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By Vincent - 02/01/2014 05:04 - United States - Overland Park

Spicy

Today, I asked my mom why she had two tooth brushes: one manual and one electric. She said: "I only use the manual one for brushing my teeth." FML

agreeclassic 53 156

vote type 1 8 340

By I said whaat - 18/12/2012 16:50

Today, I was in the mall for the second day in a row with my 7-year-old brother. As we walked past Santa he asked me, "Why does Santa look different today"? Not thinking, I said, "Because each mall has a different Santa." FML

agreeclassic 15 175

vote type 1 36 870

By makiju - 13/11/2012 21:23 - France - M?zi?res-sur-seine

Today, I was severely chewed out by my boss because, according to him, I look down on him too often. I'm 6ft5. FML

agreeclassic 452

vote type 1 31

By SDCore - 12/02/2015 00:40 - United States - Glenview

Today, I got drunk at a party. I didn't want my parents to know, so I took out my phone, called my parents, and asked them not to tell them I'm drunk. FML

agreeclassic 20 836

vote type 1 39 925

Great idea, actually

By shayes9 - 22/07/2009 22:15 - United States

Today, the boss returned from vacation. While he was gone we thought it would be a great idea to fill the water cooler with margaritas. Even after rinsing it, we still have lime flavored water. Needless to say we got a company memo about appropriate office behavior. FML

agreeclassic 9 799

vote type 1 53 649

By shouldveknown - 27/01/2011 20:15 - Canada

Today, I found out that the money my boyfriend has "secretly" been putting away for the last two months is not for an engagement ring like I'd thought, but for a trip to Vegas I'm not invited to. FML

agreeclassic 29 367

vote type 1 7 655

By Anonymous - 07/09/2013 23:47 - United States - Irvine

Today, my former high school bully became my manager. FML

agreeclassic 65 713

vote type 1 4 042

I'm a loser, baby

By Anonymous - 06/07/2013 11:26 - United States

Today, while out for lunch, a guy approached me and asked for my number. I politely declined. To my dismay, he dropped to his knees, grabbed his head, and started moaning about how nobody ever gives him a chance. I felt the accusing stares. FML

agreeclassic 52 769

vote type 1 6 813

By flying_vegan - 06/12/2009 13:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and found that someone had taken a dump on my car. They'd apparently felt bad about it, as they'd then keyed "sorry" into the door. FML

agreeclassic 44 943

vote type 1 2 444

flying_vegan app_comment_confession_title

flying_vegan 0

Tuesday 8 December 2009 10:04

This was in Hoxton, in London...

By distressed - 05/11/2010 23:36 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend started his first day of work. After saying our goodbyes, I went into our bedroom to get changed, picked up one of my blouses and found a camera, still recording. I guess someone has major trust issues. FML

agreeclassic 31 540

vote type 1 4 109

By manlyman - 05/04/2009 13:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to the doctor's office because my wife and I are having some fertility problems. As I removed my pants, the doctor simply looked at my penis and said, "Mhm." My wife laughed the whole way home. FML

agreeclassic 78 343

vote type 1 5 311

By Anonymous - 05/04/2013 16:26 - United States

Today, while working the drive-through, a woman ordered a large coffee with four creams. I handed her the coffee, and she took a sip. She then hurled it at me, screaming, "I said four creams, not five!" and sped off, leaving me drenched in hot coffee. FML

agreeclassic 42 012

vote type 1 3 036

Grinding

By takingthebus - 16/09/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got pulled over and arrested for driving with a suspended license. Instead of getting my car impounded, his friend thought he'd do me a favor and drive it back to me. He doesn't know how to drive stick and blew my engine. My boyfriend is in jail and I no longer have a car. FML

agreeclassic 42 295

vote type 1 6 556

Fuzzy memory

By Kreen - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff

Today, I realized that mixing alcohol with my medication causes me to lose my memory. I went to see my favorite band in concert last night and I can't remember a single song they played. FML

agreeclassic 12 232

vote type 1 45 005

By First Kiss - 07/12/2012 12:39 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after a romantic dinner, movie, and stroll in the park, we had our first kiss. It would have been perfect, had a passerby not thrown rubbish at us for "unnecessary public display of affection." FML

agreeclassic 27 107

vote type 1 3 527

Scared for life

By Mary - 16/02/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, like most days, my cat brought something to my doorstep. Usually it's a slew of dead mice, but this time he brought this big, ugly snake. I'm always the only one in my family "brave" enough to go fetch our cat's gifts. It took until lifting it up to realize the snake wasn't dead. FML

agreeclassic 27 959

vote type 1 3 083

By Anonymous - 20/10/2013 19:56 - United States - West Babylon

Today, a few of my friends arranged for us to go skinny-dipping with the guy I really like. It went really well, until a turd surfaced before our eyes. After we scrambled out of the pool in panic, my crush called us all freaks and left. FML

agreeclassic 45 973

vote type 1 6 114

Rent hike to be expected

By Benji - 13/10/2008 08:32

Today, my 63-year-old neighbor jumped out of his window. I was the first to find him, alive, naked and stuck in a bush. I guess I shouldn't have laughed at him while waiting for the ambulance, because he turned out to be my landlord. FML

agreeclassic 44 397

vote type 1 24 158

By hawkwardd - 12/09/2013 07:42 - Australia

Today, my workplace was having a "prices are down" promotion. I had to wear a badge that said, "Down and staying down" all day, opening myself up to a lot of weirdos winking at me or saying, "Oh yeah, I bet you are". FML

agreeclassic 43 848

vote type 1 3 244

By izziegrl - 24/09/2012 18:21 - Mexico - Naucalpan

Today, I realized that I spend more money on gas to go to my job than what I get paid. FML

agreeclassic 28 442

vote type 1 3 629

Devious

By rachel - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Germany - Köln

Today, my little brother told me to give him my phone so he could play a game on it. I said no, because I was taking a call from a friend at the time. He then walked over to the wall, headbutted it, burst into tears, then told my parents that I punched him. They believed him. FML

agreeclassic 57 030

vote type 1 3 915

By sh3n-D - 07/06/2012 21:26 - Denmark - Herning

Today, I was having a debate with my friend, who actually believes karma is real. He got very angry with me and stormed off, tripping over his own feet in the process. I laughed and asked what he'd done in a past life to deserve that one. He responded by getting up and punching me. FML

agreeclassic 11 671

vote type 1 39 219

By jack - 23/04/2012 02:43 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I found out why my girlfriend comes over for dinner so often. She thinks my dad is a real babe. FML

agreeclassic 30 014

vote type 1 2 314

By Anonymous - 02/04/2013 18:14 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I was playing Draw Something with my girlfriend, when I decided to start a game with some other people. She immediately accused me of "cheating" on her, and still refuses to talk to me. FML

agreeclassic 40 182

vote type 1 4 982

By dirtbikeguy - 23/07/2015 13:05 - United States - Chicago

Today, I had a dream about a giant spider crawling around in my mouth. I woke up to find that dreams sometimes do come true. FML

agreeclassic 31 211

vote type 1 1 988

By Anonymous - 24/03/2013 21:33 - United States - Lutz

Today, a few months after my co-worker had stopped wearing her engagement ring, I decided to put on the moves and start flirting with her. I soon found out that her fiancé had died, and that she's nowhere near over him, despite her brave face. I feel like a total asshole. FML

agreeclassic 50 197

vote type 1 25 889

By guy - 15/03/2013 05:31 - Canada - Port Coquitlam

Today, I met my mom's fiancé. He's a nice guy, he's also my wife's dad. I'll soon call my wife my sister. FML

agreeclassic 52 803

vote type 1 3 366

By musicaddict - 10/03/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, the cute boy in my biology class I had been crushing on invited me over to study for a huge test. Once I got to his house, I really had to use the bathroom. I ended ending up taking a huge dump and clogging up his toilet. He had to come plunge it for me. FML

agreeclassic 77 396

vote type 1 24 211

By ShadowReaper101 - 29/12/2012 07:41 - United States - Lake Forest

Today, I was walking in the park, when a kid ran up and hit me in the stomach. He said, "Don't get mad, get glad!" and ran off. FML

agreeclassic 33 123

vote type 1 3 973

ShadowReaper101 app_comment_confession_title

ShadowReaper101 14

Monday 31 December 2012 21:07

Hi, OP here. First, I can't just hit a kid, even if he punched me. And second, his Dad wasn't in sight. So I couldn't have really done anything.

By Masift - 02/03/2015 17:06 - United States - Sarasota

Today, after many tests and doctor visits, I finally found out the reason for my flu-like symptoms isn't a vitamin deficient or anything. The damn tea I drink every morning makes me feel sick. FML

agreeclassic 29 834

vote type 1 5 453

Masift app_comment_confession_title

Masift 21

Monday 2 March 2015 23:08

You see, I only drink tea in the mornings with breakfast before I go to class and I feel like crap all day. However I don't drink tea on the weekends (I don't know why) but Sunday morning, I drank the same tea and I started having the symptoms again. And of course as usual, I drank the tea again this morning, and it felt the same.

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Today, I reached in between the couch cushions to see if my iPod had slipped in there. I didn't find my iPod, but I did find an old utility knife blade. With my fingers. FML

agreeclassic 32 836

vote type 1 4 833

Today, my boss had me walk a mile to the nearest store to get food for a party because she didn't want to lose her parking space at work. Her shopping list had two gallons of juice and a 10lb bag of ice... I had my legs and arms. FML

agreeclassic 3 954

vote type 1 411

Today, my boss asked about Anime because her new boyfriend is obsessed with it and she wants to understand. I was showing her some classics like Fullmetal Alchemist and One Piece when she was called away, leaving me with anime on my work computer. My manager then saw it and gave me a written warning. FML

agreeclassic 494

vote type 1 168

Today, I had another dinner with the girl that I started dating a few weeks ago. During dinner, we talked about our families. We realized that we're actually cousins. FML

agreeclassic 1 944

vote type 1 215

Today, my friends and I were goofing off playing tag behind the local church, when I heard a banshee-like wail behind me. Assuming it was one of my friends, I wailed right back and ran. Turned out there was actually a funeral going on, and the wail was from one of the bereaved. FML

agreeclassic 19 377

vote type 1 7 929

Today, I thought the girl I was seeing was going to tell me that she loved me. Instead, she told me how she sucked some other guy's dick. FML

agreeclassic 31 383

vote type 1 2 547