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Gross

By Chicagoillinois - 03/01/2015 21:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my step-dad explained to me why he doesn't need to wash his body. He condescendingly said, "Well when you shampoo your hair, the soap runs down your body and cleans everything." He's 37 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 788

You deserved it 2 933

By Norvi - 14/09/2013 05:51 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, I had to explain to my mother that faith healing will not work on plumbing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 860

You deserved it 3 163

Norvi tells us more.

Norvi 26

Saturday 14 September 2013 23:03

OP here, to quote a song from Johnny Clegg "these are the days of miracles and wonders" - my mom called a plumber, now to survive the weekend until help arrives.

By VeeDubDisaster - 17/01/2010 02:35 - United States

Today, I went to start my just bought '79 VW bus. I put my key in but stopped due to the strong gasoline smell. I went to check. Found puddle of gas. The previous owner figured duct taping a cracked tank was the same as fixing it. And didn't bother to share that tidbit with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 332

You deserved it 28 529

Hangry

By emilyparker - 01/09/2014 02:55 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went out with my best friend to McDonald's for a late night snack. Turns out she lied to me and just used me to pick up the boy she likes so they could go stargazing. I'm now laying beside them as they look at the stars and make out. I just want fries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 819

You deserved it 5 252

By me - 04/04/2013 20:07 - United States - Parrish

Today, I told my bald, goatee-sporting chemistry teacher that he looks like Walt from Breaking Bad. I quickly got sent to the principal's office and received a 3-day suspension for "slandering" my teacher by implying that he makes meth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 466

You deserved it 6 712

Thanks, I hate it!

By dudezilla - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got a text message from a number I didn't know telling me, "Fine. It's over, have a wonderful life." I've never had a girlfriend and now I get broken up with by girls I don't even know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 878

You deserved it 3 956

By Anonymous - 02/04/2012 02:25 - United States - Binghamton

Today, while mowing the lawn, I ran over a hornet's nest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 960

You deserved it 3 444

By moms a baby - 31/03/2014 02:44 - United States - Loma Linda

Today, my mom stopped playing badminton with me because she claimed I was too aggressive. Apparently winning, playing by the rules, and smashing is considered aggressive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 417

You deserved it 8 119

No stupid questions

By Anonymous - 09/03/2013 01:11 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, my boyfriend's daughter asked me what would happen if she chose to stop urinating for two weeks. She wanted to know whether it would kill her or just start coming out of her mouth. She's 17 years-old, and was deadly serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 409

You deserved it 3 302

By Devin - 02/08/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, I went to see a movie with 4 friends. I didn't realize that I was the only one who didn't have a date. The theater row had just enough room for everyone but me, I got to sit in back of everyone else while they were making out in front of me for 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 221

You deserved it 5 978

Name and shame

By Anonymous - 01/03/2015 18:59 - United Kingdom - Wetheringsett

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for another girl, via a text message ending with "No hard feelings. Well xcept 4 my cock obvs. ;)" Fuck you, Rick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 522

You deserved it 3 228

By pissedandcomputerless - 07/11/2013 18:42 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I failed on a school presentation because I was not prepared. Apparently, the fact that my computer crapped itself and started giving off smoke last period isn't a good reason for not having my presentation prepared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 052

You deserved it 8 694

By Sostupid - 24/01/2011 03:41 - Canada

Today, I had a panic attack because I was constipated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 514

You deserved it 8 803

By Anonymous - 20/09/2013 21:00 - Hungary - Szeged

Today, my girlfriend came over to visit me and my brother at our apartment. I left for just five minutes to fix us lunch. When I got back, she was making out with my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 859

You deserved it 3 996

By and he wonders why I'm anxious - 25/02/2016 22:41 - Netherlands

Today, after years of torment by my anxiety disorders and therapy and medication not helping, I've made the decision to try hypnosis. After doing a Google search and finding out my therapist is a man, my overly jealous fiancé insisted on joining, "because he might hypnotise you into cheating." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 219

You deserved it 2 390

By Anonymous - 23/12/2015 03:19 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I walked in on the 13 year-old boy I babysit masturbating while sniffing my jacket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 396

You deserved it 2 542

By Anonymous - 23/11/2009 09:54 - United States

Today, I went onto the treadmill at my gym. When it prompted me to enter my age I put 27. I'm 29 and am lying about my age to a workout machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 739

You deserved it 38 841

By Jillian Drute - 16/08/2011 04:54 - United States

Today, my mom showed up completely hammered to a party I was throwing. The party was to celebrate the ten years that I've been sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 388

You deserved it 2 897

By cocacola999 - 03/05/2014 10:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a party. Trying to overcome my social anxiety, I was trying to take part in conversations. So, when a girl mentioned she had a doctor's appointment next morning, I blurted out: "What kind of a doctor?" Everyone stared as she responded: "A gynaecologist." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 770

You deserved it 7 813

By athletiks - 26/03/2014 22:39 - United States - Pullman

Today, someone on Instagram posted a picture of himself with gym lifting straps around his neck. I commented "autoerotic asphyxiation" and now a 250-pound bodybuilder wants to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 006

You deserved it 40 679

By Anonymous - 25/09/2009 22:53 - Canada

Today, I went our school's football game against their rival team. Before the games started, I got my school's logo painted on my face. After nearly 5 hours of watching the game, I went home to wash the paint off my face, only to find the logo had been sunburned onto my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 317

You deserved it 35 441

Oi! Get back here!

By magicman - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, while buying groceries, I noticed that the lady in front of me had left a box behind. I grabbed the box and ran out the door after her. After turning around to find three employees chasing me, I noticed I had just stolen the donation box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 885

You deserved it 17 718

By levi Glasscock - 15/04/2011 13:52 - United States

Today, my mom called me and said, "I made your sister laugh so hard she peed her pants." I got home and noticed she also peed on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 155

You deserved it 2 985

By Anonymous - 08/03/2011 23:23 - United States

Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 884

You deserved it 4 910

By bitch i'm a gerontophile - 29/11/2012 18:08 - Taiwan

Today, while working at my local supermarket, I found a boy lost and wandering about, so I took him to the front desk. My reward from his mother was a slap around the face and harsh words for supposedly having kidnapped him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 178

You deserved it 1 870

Protip

By Pokemon problems - 23/10/2012 22:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I babysat a 10-year-old and we played Pokémon. It was my first time playing, so he showed me. I ended up winning and the kid started crying and told his parents he hated me. They decided not to pay me for the night, and now I'm out of a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 561

You deserved it 4 825

Management

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had an hour-long meeting with my manager where she informed me the reason I had not been promoted is because she felt that people would not like to work for me, because I would, "make them do their job." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 952

You deserved it 2 132

Thanks Steve-O

By Anonymous - 30/07/2014 08:21 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I spent six hours at the ER. Why? My husband dared our seventeen-year-old son to recreate a 'Jackass' trolley-hedge diving stunt at the local supermarket. What wasn't on my groceries list was a broken arm, fractured wrist, whiplash and cuts and bruises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 537

You deserved it 5 137

By Anonymous - 10/06/2014 03:30 - United States - Crowley

Today, I found out that my boyfriend paid a guy to tell me he was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 111

You deserved it 6 263

By Mommy - 26/06/2011 20:47 - United States

Today, I was driving when a guy in a truck swerved in front of me. I didn't realize I'd sworn until I'd come to a red light and my one year old daughter yelled her own version of what I said. She now yells "Chicken in the hole!" whenever the car comes to a stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 480

You deserved it 28 206

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, my eight-year-old daughter refused to use the port-a-potty at the fair. She preferred to piss her pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 030

You deserved it 298

Today, I bought a freezer mug that looks like it's full of water. I've been playing tricks on my friends by throwing the empty cup at them. After doing this a few dozen times, my 83 year-old mother came to visit. I played the same trick on her. The joke's on me. My Dad filled the cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 269

You deserved it 67 517

Today, I decided to surprise my parents who I haven’t seen in a while. They weren’t home, but I still have a key so I let myself in. When I went to my old room to put down my bags, I was greeted by a sex swing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 706

You deserved it 1 601

Today, after my annoying neighbor who used to spend hours playing the cello in the apartment below me finally moved out, I found out that I have a new musical neighbor moving in. This fellow plays the bagpipes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 361

You deserved it 2 915

Today, the guy who confessed his love for me also confessed that in his rage, he almost shot the last girl who broke his heart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 963

You deserved it 2 923

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I have an extra key. I snuck into his bed with sleep with him and noticed how soft his skin was. Turns out I had been feeling up the girl he was sleeping with and he was in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 185

You deserved it 8 056