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By Whatswrongwithme? - 03/11/2013 09:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my girlfriend I loved her. She left and never came back. FML

agreeclassic 55 805

vote type 1 5 730

GHOSTS!

By fml_anon - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to spend a depressingly long time convincing my 29-year-old husband that our house isn't haunted and that the door slammed shut because it was windy outside. I repeat, "29-year-old husband" and "haunted". It's like I'm married to a child. FML

agreeclassic 17 452

vote type 1 4 428

By unknown - 31/01/2010 06:54 - France

Today, my girlfriend and I were in my basement. I play drums and guitar very well. My girlfriend bet me $50 that she could play better than me. I made the bet, but what I didn't know was that she had been taking both drum and guitar lessons since she was 5. I just lost $50. FML

agreeclassic 9 587

vote type 1 46 284

Thanks!

By Tyler - 19/11/2011 07:58 - United States

Today, at my job as a cocktail server in a bar, a group of good looking ladies sat in my section. As I was finishing up with the table next to them I overheard one of them saying, "I hope we don't get that guy, I want a sexy waiter tonight." FML

agreeclassic 37 814

vote type 1 3 088

By Mrs. Terrified - 23/10/2011 23:08 - United States

Today, I was at a shooting range with my father. The target was a creepy poster of a man. My father said, "This one is for your boyfriend." Perfect groin shot. FML

agreeclassic 30 232

vote type 1 4 514

By anoymus - 31/05/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I was driving to the local market with my son. We approached a vehicle that looked just like my fiancé's. My son peered out his window and said, "Mommy, daddy's getting kidnapped!" It seems he was being 'kidnapped' by his new girlfriend. FML

agreeclassic 63 965

vote type 1 3 283

Bad vibes

By Epiphany - 19/07/2012 09:01 - United States

Today, I finally realized how depressed I am when I found bubble wrap and didn't feel like popping it. FML

agreeclassic 37 127

vote type 1 3 039

By Anonymous - 09/08/2011 12:55 - United States

Today, I held an open house. Not wanting anything to be stolen I loaded up all valuables in my car (money, prescriptions, computer, iPod, etc) and went out. My car got stolen. Nobody came to the open house. FML

agreeclassic 38 303

vote type 1 12 457

By Anonymous - 15/09/2010 07:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boss reached over and yanked up my shirt right above my breasts while she said, "I'm all for flaunting it if you've got it, but don't reveal that much cleavage, there are dirty old men that work here." FML

agreeclassic 18 809

vote type 1 41 338

By jack - 27/08/2015 10:56 - United Kingdom - London

Today, due to medication I am taking that causes constipation, I have become all too accustomed to using a disposable rubber glove to dig crap out of my own butthole. FML

agreeclassic 27 183

vote type 1 2 430

Glassed

By Rick - 01/07/2011 08:31 - United States

Today, the driver's side window of my car was busted, and inside was a note that said, "Sorry, thought this was my car." FML

agreeclassic 37 668

vote type 1 2 508

By MsMedea - 11/08/2015 12:02 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I took the lid off my slow cooker to serve up a casserole that had been 12 hours in the making. A cockroach took the opportunity to dive in. My husband and I are now eating toast, while the delicious smell of casserole taunts us from the trash. FML

agreeclassic 26 017

vote type 1 4 527

MsMedea app_comment_confession_title

MsMedea 26

Tuesday 11 August 2015 20:22

Hi, OP here, to answer your question, the slow cooker was sitting on the bench, underneath a shelf in our kitchen. As I took the lid off, the roach came from above, literally jumping into the pot! So I definitely did not see it before I took the lid off!

By gvmfvr - 08/05/2014 20:48 - France - Fontenay-sous-bois

Today, my little sister was in charge of doing the vacuuming, when she decided our hamster had "dust on his back". FML

agreeclassic 754

vote type 1 47

By Cali girl - 03/04/2014 16:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up again to a warm trickling sensation on my neck. It would seem my rabbit has a thing for doing his business on me to wake me up. FML

agreeclassic 40 201

vote type 1 7 597

Curled out

By lashless - 22/05/2010 20:32 - United States

Today, while getting ready for a friend's wedding, I was curling my eyelashes. My cat decided to jump onto the towel rod. As I went to catch her, I ripped all the eyelashes out of one eye. I called my boyfriend crying. When he saw me, he laughed and said, "You look really surprised in that eye." FML

agreeclassic 35 137

vote type 1 7 626

By Anonymous - 19/04/2016 02:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a ticket for being drunk in public. I was walking a couple of blocks from the bar to my house, because I didn't want to drive drunk. FML

agreeclassic 25 577

vote type 1 2 714

By spiderwoman - 04/11/2012 17:12 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML

agreeclassic 22 742

vote type 1 13 584

By GotMyBitchBack - 05/09/2013 11:02 - United States - Zanesville

Today, I got home from work and found my dog missing. When I asked my neighbor if she saw what happened, I saw my dog sleeping on her couch. She tried to say it was hers. FML

agreeclassic 54 540

vote type 1 3 052

The language of love

By disgusted - 24/09/2012 19:16 - United Kingdom - Harpenden

Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML

agreeclassic 30 973

vote type 1 6 547

Sticky

By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, I read that using vegetable oil would give your legs a smooth feel, especially if you haven't shaved for weeks. So I tried it out. My legs felt slimy, the oil clogged up the blades, and I was reduced to shaving my legs with a naked razor head and soapy water. Endlessly smooth indeed. FML

agreeclassic 8 010

vote type 1 27 778

By confused_girl - 01/08/2013 05:10 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Spicy

Today, I got the sex talk from my dad. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said, "It's not the size of the stick, it's how you use it." I'm a girl. FML

agreeclassic 60 418

vote type 1 5 047

By John - 21/10/2014 00:29 - Canada - Ottawa

Spicy

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in the washroom closet while I was taking a piss. I wasn't pissing, I was wanking. FML

agreeclassic 44 481

vote type 1 14 494

By Japaroni - 15/09/2011 07:42 - United States

Today, I went out on my back patio at night to skinny dip. I live on the intracoastal, and as I was walking towards my pool, the police were doing a random search. From a boat with a spotlight. At least their whistles told me they liked the birthday suit I had on. FML

agreeclassic 24 940

vote type 1 9 369

By touche :/ - 07/07/2013 21:27 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I went to a big job interview. Eventually, the guy subtly enquired about my political beliefs. He seemed pretty laid-back and cool, so I told him, at which point he just chuckled and told me to leave. When I threatened to report him, he just said, "Who're they gonna believe, you or me?" FML

agreeclassic 46 779

vote type 1 8 249

By Anonymous - 09/12/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I was going into an office building. There was a boy and a man ahead of me, and the boy held the door open for me. Surprised, I said "What a nice young man," and he said. "It's ok, ma'am; my dad says to always hold the doors open for old ladies." I'm 43. FML

agreeclassic 29 665

vote type 1 6 341

By crazy_mom - 01/11/2010 15:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML

agreeclassic 38 681

vote type 1 4 355

By Anonymous - 04/07/2012 13:48 - Canada - Bolton

Today, I went for a jog. I was 5 km away from home when I had a sudden urge to poop. I didn't want to use the bushes, so I thought I could hold it in. I was wrong. FML

agreeclassic 26 770

vote type 1 5 816

By lolatmylife - 22/08/2014 06:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend sent me pictures of him and his family on their trip in Florida. He accidentally included a picture of a girl sleeping in his bed, naked. FML

agreeclassic 55 968

vote type 1 4 040

By jaydiv - 22/11/2009 09:15 - Australia

Today, I saw my cat outside taking a dump. I pulled back the curtain and watched him clean it up, because I found it fascinating that animals can do that. I must have been standing there for several minutes before I noticed the neighbour next door looking at me being fascinated by my cat pooing. FML

agreeclassic 9 583

vote type 1 36 465

By Username - 02/08/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, I decided to play with my dog. I sat on the ground and whistled for him to come to me. I smiled when I saw him running at my happily. He sniffed me, turned around, lifted his leg and peed on me. FML

agreeclassic 30 486

vote type 1 5 311

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Today, I was complaining to my roommate that I never get asked out. Then, at work, a mentally challenged man left me his phone number on his pay ticket. Well, I guess I can't complain about never getting asked out. FML

agreeclassic 21 484

vote type 1 7 358

Today, my mother who learned English as an adult sent an email to my boss, thanking them for hiring me even though I'm "retarded." I’m a law school graduate who was diagnosed with a minor learning disability in kindergarten, but she still calls me "retarded" when speaking English. FML

agreeclassic 1 132

vote type 1 118

Today, I found out that you can’t lie on a college application and say you’re a first time in college student. My application flagged me as a “transfer student” right before I was supposed to be accepted. Apparently, the financial aid office has a tracking system to see where you attended and received aid. FML

agreeclassic 136

vote type 1 2 558

Today, my girlfriend dumped me and set all my stuff on fire. Why? Because she found my Tinder account. I haven’t even used it since I met her. FML

agreeclassic 926

vote type 1 403

Today, when I stopped at a light, I tossed a banana peel into a field along the side of the road. The man behind me got out of his car, picked up the banana peel and threw it back into my car at me. When I tried to tell him it was biodegradable, he told me to "stop making up words." FML

agreeclassic 28 907

vote type 1 33 925

Today, I was taking a shit in my friend's bathroom when his brother's girlfriend walked in. Nobody decided to tell me that the lock didn’t work. FML

agreeclassic 1 472

vote type 1 174