The Top

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Saucy

By ouchhhh - 20/07/2018 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new in bed. He blindfolded me and I felt something cold on my lady parts. Five seconds later it started burning so I looked. He decided to use toothpaste because he couldn't find chocolate sauce to lick off. It hurts to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 674

You deserved it 638

BIKES!

By _aPerson_ - 22/04/2016 15:58 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I lost the key to my bike lock. I ended up having to cut it off, even though it was brand new. After spending 30 minutes hacking away at it, it finally came off. When I hopped onto my bike, I felt something poking my leg. My key was in my pocket the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 840

You deserved it 20 952

By Charli - 13/08/2018 22:37

Today, after months of my (now ex) boyfriend telling me he wished I was blonde with big boobs, I finally retaliated with "I wish you were a redhead with a big dick, but you don't see me complaining." He cried and said I should love him for who he is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 751

You deserved it 347

By izoliv - 22/11/2008 08:17 - France

Spicy

Today, after a tremendously hot night with a guy I met the night before, I ask him his phone number. To which he replied: "What for?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 764

You deserved it 10 861

Not feeling it

By thisisstupid_17 - 16/11/2016 14:47

Spicy

Today, I met up with my boyfriend early before work to have some "fun time". We hadn't had sex in a while and decided to try it doggy style, up against the wall. We had been doing it for about 15 minutes until he abruptly stopped and said, "I don't know if it's in." It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 873

You deserved it 1 373

By TCRII - 13/06/2018 15:52

Today, my estranged wife, who I am divorcing, asked me to find homes for our animals. I have a dog, which I am keeping. She has 3 dogs, 4 cats, 1 pig, 3 goats, 2 horses and 54 chickens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 529

You deserved it 404

Balls

By onehitwonder - 10/02/2011 07:26

Today, it snowed a lot and my friends and I went outside for a walk. Someone drove by and threw a snowball at me, hitting me square in the face. Surprised, I side-stepped only to end up losing balance and roll down a hill into a ditch full of prickly bushes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 912

You deserved it 3 804

By Anonymous - 02/01/2009 04:34 - France

Today, I marked 600 emails in my gmail inbox as spam and it will take me hours to go through and unmark them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 101

You deserved it 27 920

By laughing-stock - 02/09/2013 21:40 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I was telling my brother about how my new colleagues and I don't share a sense of humour. He replied, "What, you mean they don't pretend to laugh at your jokes like everybody else?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 945

You deserved it 6 018

By Anonymous - 04/02/2017 19:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, at an MA meeting, I ran into the cop who'd pulled me over and given me a ticket for marijuana possession. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 525

You deserved it 1 325

Expensive hobby

By astalkerindeed - 16/05/2013 04:31 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I found out that my cell phone bill was much higher than normal. After investigating, I realized that a text conversation I had with my stalker, telling him multiple times not to contact me anymore, was to an international cell phone. I have to pay to be stalked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 720

You deserved it 6 489

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

By Anonymous - 19/09/2016 10:05

Today, my girlfriend contacted me. She said she'd thought over her feelings over our temporary break in the relationship, and she wanted to try again. Being my stupid, self-loathing self, I asked her so many questions on if she was sure or not that she went back into doubt and revoked the offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 557

You deserved it 11 542

By rejectedprobably - 18/07/2016 23:06 - United States - Zionsville

Today, I asked one of my teachers to write me a letter of recommendation for my top school. Even though I did fairly well in their class, I found out that they don't think that I'm very intelligent, but my "strong, work ethic" makes up for it. They mentioned it in the letter and submitted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 409

You deserved it 1 161

Thanks, I guess…

By smyp - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I was let go from my job, because I'm "progressing too quickly and there's no promotions available" and I "can find a better place to work at." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 948

You deserved it 2 313

By yapDogs - 10/05/2015 01:43 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I sent a $120 bouquet of flowers for mother's day. When I called tonight see if my Mom got them, she replied that they were still on the doorstep because she "didn't want the dogs to get excited and start barking" when she opened the front door to bring them in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 881

You deserved it 2 392

Awkward...

By What’sGoingOn - 26/03/2018 05:00

Today, I accidentally sent a dick pic to my coach instead of my girlfriend. He sent one back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 244

You deserved it 6 219

By windsoffate - 09/06/2016 16:46 - United States - Portland

Today, as I was getting ready for work, I heard a noise almost like someone was puking all over the bathroom floor. When I went to check, my 14-year-old son was puking all over the bathroom floor. The toilet, however, was pristine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 668

You deserved it 962

Not good enough

By Ophelia - 08/06/2016 04:05 - United States - Hudson

Today, a realtor came to take a look at my house. I had worked all morning to make it look lovely. When they took pictures, I explained a number of ways I could change things so everything would look as good as possible. After the house tour, they told me it should be bulldozed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 905

You deserved it 1 079

All you need is hate

By Stepmotherfucker - 23/03/2016 06:32 - Ukraine

Today, my stepmother started talking to me after a month of the silent treatment. When I asked her what I had done wrong, she replied, "Nothing, but do you know that feeling when you look at someone and you just want to choke them?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 209

You deserved it 1 558

Avoidance tactics

By busrides - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I saw the girl I had confessed my love to two years ago on the bus. We chatted for a few minutes and she got off on the first stop, saying that this is where she had to get off. Twenty minutes later, I see her in the bus next to mine. The bus number was 20. Like mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 093

You deserved it 5 830

By Denise1988 - 10/11/2015 17:35 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, at a school function for my eldest son, my youngest child silently passed gas. A group of women I had hoped to befriend were sitting next to me, and then left with looks of disgust on their faces. I guess I don't need friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 252

You deserved it 1 842

Denise1988 tells us more.

Denise1988 13

Sunday 15 November 2015 6:25

The little stinker is only 9 months old and while his stench was quite atrocious that day, I wish they hadn't rushed off so soon. The event was outside and it was a breezy day. I have no problem with him doing his thing, I just wished the women had at least come back and tried to include me in their conversations. We moved away from our home state two years ago and I've had a hard time meeting new friends, it's so hard as an adult. I hope it's easier the next time we move.

By Alaska - 29/10/2015 03:35 - United States

Today, I was taking a poop when I heard a window in my house break. Then, I heard things dropping upstairs. I decided to stay in the bathroom, which has a lock, and called the cops. Turns out it was just a bird that was trying to get at my fish in the fish tank that I have in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 893

You deserved it 2 527

By htx91 - 13/12/2016 19:55 - United States - San Antonio

Today, after opening a letter from the VA, I found out that I have to pay back all the money I earned last year in the Army. I just spent $500 on Christmas presents. Payments start in January. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 305

You deserved it 712

By justwantsomeillusionofjustice - 14/08/2017 07:00 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, I stumbled across my school bully on Facebook. She's a successful business owner and engaged to be married. I can't land a job and am hopelessly single. The b***h that served as the catalyst for my depression and suffered no repercussions is getting married on my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 170

You deserved it 737

By el_Jeffe_D - 11/09/2016 16:05 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, as I was walking up to a urinal I heard a small hiss. I looked up just in time to get an eye full of chemicals from the automatic air freshener. I rinsed my eye out and went back to the urinal. It happened again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 563

You deserved it 2 938

By Lifetime Presents: - 06/07/2016 11:50 - United States - Southfield

Today, I found out my fiancé is already married. His "crazy ex-wife" is not all that crazy, and is still his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 634

You deserved it 1 018

By Anonymous - 01/05/2015 20:02 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, a drunk man started yelling at the lamppost outside my house, demanding to be let inside, all while my neighbors watched. That man is my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 382

You deserved it 2 472

Bad omen

By Anonymous - 26/04/2016 05:04 - United States - Kenosha

Today, I started a new job. The synopsis of my training was, "You're starting a job you're going to hate and you'll be fired for entertaining yourself while waiting for us to give you more work. But you're going to love being here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 568

You deserved it 1 926

By oops - 04/03/2016 21:28 - United States - Mankato

Today, I accidentally farted while shopping. There was an awkward silence followed by a god-awful stink and a lady's little girl bursting into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 069

You deserved it 3 432

By rowanjusmc - 26/10/2011 04:31 - United States

Today, I got a concussion while teaching a kid how to be a safe and cautious swimmer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 102

You deserved it 5 147

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, I had to call social services after a couple once again brought their baby in with severe allergic reactions. His allergy? The family dog. These idiots would rather let their kid die than get rid of the stupid mutt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 539

You deserved it 151

Today, my wife finally actually started trying with life again, perfectly in time for me to have already given up on us at the start of the week, having spent way too long trying to fix things. She keeps on pushing all this future planning stuff when I'm just wanting to walk at this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 430

You deserved it 153

Today, I tried to take a shortcut home. I got lost and had to ask a stranger for directions. They pointed to the street sign above me that literally had my street's name on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 119

You deserved it 466

Today, my 7 year-old looked at me and stated, "When I grow up Mommy I want to be fat just like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 391

You deserved it 11 465

Today, I (35) have a crush on my supervisor (55) [we're both managers). I cannot get my mind off them. They are married and have kids my age. It's not just looks, but how they treat me, feels like they actually respect me, which I don’t feel like people do. I know nothing will happen between us, but can't stop thinking about them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 240

You deserved it 347

Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 809

You deserved it 6 886