Spicy

By Anonymous - 29/12/2014 02:49 - United States - Wilmington

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Things got heated and I yelled, "Who's your daddy?" With a blank expression she replied, "I don't know." FML

agreeclassic 36 331

vote type 1 17 986

Nice guy

By Twysted91 - 28/12/2014 03:50 - United States - Milford

Spicy

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room in crippling pain, thanks to a very dangerous cluster of cysts on my ovaries that could rupture at any time. My boyfriend took this news as my way of denying him sex and broke up with me for "going to obscene lengths" to emasculate him. FML

agreeclassic 39 061

vote type 1 3 212

By is_that_right - 27/12/2014 19:14 - United States - El Paso

Spicy

Today, I texted my girlfriend, saying "Hey there." She quickly replied, assuring me that she's not cheating on me. Uh, okay. FML

agreeclassic 37 010

vote type 1 2 951

Young at heart

By If IQs could be negative... - 26/12/2014 19:28 - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Spicy

Today, I had to drive my husband to hospital after he tried to burn his pubes off with a lighter as part of a bet. On the upside, he probably won't be bugging me for sex for a while. On the downside, I'm married to a moron. FML

agreeclassic 35 640

vote type 1 5 730

By whovian - 25/12/2014 15:17 - United States - Gorham

Spicy

Today, my mom got me a Christmas present. Since I'm a whovian, she thought it would be cool to get me what she thought was a sonic screwdriver. It was actually a dildo shaped as one. I opened the gift in front of my entire family. FML

agreeclassic 40 570

vote type 1 4 640

By VCDUDE11FTW - 25/12/2014 09:13 - United States - Lewis Center

Spicy

Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML

agreeclassic 40 639

vote type 1 16 372

By Anonymous - 23/12/2014 21:48 - United States - Gainesville

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend slept with my sister. "Accidentally", apparently. FML

agreeclassic 44 633

vote type 1 3 901

Freudian

By giantblueballsthesizeofjohnnysinscock - 19/12/2014 23:14 - United States - Colorado Springs

Spicy

Today, after six long, hard years of involuntary celibacy, I was finally about to get laid. Except it was just a dream, and in it my mom stormed in just as things got heated, called me a useless cunt, and told me to go do my chores. I guess my brain forgot I moved out years ago. FML

agreeclassic 37 147

vote type 1 4 663

The incident

By Anonymous - 18/12/2014 22:45 - United States - Traverse City

Spicy

Today, I found out my girlfriend and all of our friends have begun referring to the time I was meant to lose my virginity, but couldn't get hard, as "The Cheese Stick Incident." They all think it's hilarious, and the worst part is that it's actually a pretty appropriate description. FML

agreeclassic 36 391

vote type 1 4 955

Ouchie

By Anonymous - 17/12/2014 20:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, I felt a horrible pain while having sex with my wife, and I had to stop. I thought it was a hernia or something, but she called me a liar and accused me of everything from not finding her attractive, to me cheating on her. It turned out I had appendicitis. She still won't apologize. FML

agreeclassic 44 696

vote type 1 3 060

By marie0908 - 17/12/2014 05:29 - France - Siros

Spicy

Today, my 6-year-old son asked me what a "sex toy" was. Not really knowing what to tell him, I said it was a game. He's asked for one for Christmas. FML

agreeclassic 36 312

vote type 1 13 620

By fuck - 16/12/2014 21:04 - Norway - Slemmestad

Spicy

Today, I got a new downstairs neighbor. Herpes. FML

agreeclassic 27 556

vote type 1 37 412

By Extravirgin - 16/12/2014 12:01 - Germany - Munich

Spicy

Today, I blew my load in less than a minute. I wasn't having sex or even making out. I was spooning. FML

agreeclassic 41 749

vote type 1 8 299

By missca - 16/12/2014 04:35 - Australia - Salisbury

Spicy

Today, I found out my Nan passed away. My boyfriend came over to comfort me, things got intimate and we ended up having sex. After he came, he chuckled to himself and said, "That one's for you, Nan". FML

agreeclassic 45 842

vote type 1 9 041

missca_fml app_comment_confession_title

missca_fml 19

Thursday 18 December 2014 0:30

Hey all I'm the OP, in hindsight I should have put that my Nan recently passed away, it was a couple of days earlier, and the website insists all FMLs are started with "today". Rest assured I didn't simply find out my Nan died and proceed to have sex!

What are you doing?

By dating a moron - 14/12/2014 17:30 - United States - Dearborn

Spicy

Today, as I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, she started doing stupidly fake moaning, which then went really high-pitched like a little girl's, killing my hard-on. She says she thought that because I'm Japanese-American, I'd only be able to come if she copied "those Japanese pornstars". FML

agreeclassic 44 691

vote type 1 5 082

By giantcuntflaps - 13/12/2014 16:03 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts. When he said "I'm horny," I teasingly replied, "Whoops, did I do that?" His reply? "Huh? Naw i'm watching sum porn". FML

agreeclassic 36 562

vote type 1 6 881

Gift of the gab

By Nicole - 13/12/2014 15:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML

agreeclassic 40 369

vote type 1 7 298

By Anonymous - 12/12/2014 16:02 - United States - Anchorage

Spicy

Today, I found out first-hand that the most horrifying sight you can ever witness is two morbidly obese people getting nasty with each other in a dance club's run-down, public restroom. FML

agreeclassic 38 086

vote type 1 5 578

By cigarettes - 11/12/2014 18:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex when a cigarette craving came on. I don't know what's worse, the fact I asked for a cigarette break in the middle of sex or I take that long. FML

agreeclassic 28 328

vote type 1 13 891

By Anon - 11/12/2014 18:13 - Ireland - Cork

Spicy

Today, I found out my boyfriend uses a period tracker app to find out when we can fuck. FML

agreeclassic 38 718

vote type 1 8 209

By Anonymous - 10/12/2014 08:13 - United States - Seaside

Spicy

Today, at work, I gave a piece of candy to a co-worker I have a crush on. She looked at me weirdly and walked away. I then remembered that my friend wrote "penis" on the wrapper. FML

agreeclassic 35 116

vote type 1 8 717

By Anonymous - 09/12/2014 18:29

Spicy

Today, I told my boss I have a sore throat. He replied, "Well, don't take it so deep next time." FML

agreeclassic 36 835

vote type 1 6 115

Let's say, hypothetically…

By Anonymous - 08/12/2014 04:35 - United States - Long Beach

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend gave me a long, philosophical explanation about how he doesn't love me, but we should still have sex. FML

agreeclassic 40 882

vote type 1 3 872

By fuckered519 - 06/12/2014 19:53 - United States - Du Quoin

Spicy

Today, being useless at thinking of gifts, I asked my boyfriend what he wants for Christmas. I said it could be anything that I could afford. He looked me in the eye and said very seriously: "Anal." FML

agreeclassic 40 258

vote type 1 12 620

By Anonymous - 04/12/2014 19:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, on a dimly lit red eye flight, I woke up to see my mom's head bobbing up and down in my dad's lap. I guess giving out stealthy blow jobs next to your sleeping son is no big deal. FML

agreeclassic 46 647

vote type 1 3 321

By Red - 04/12/2014 16:31

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend found out that I secretly watch porn while she sleeps, but she seemed to be fine with it. That's until the next day, when she got on my Facebook account and publicly shared every porn page I visit. My father even commented, "Poor choice in porn, son". FML

agreeclassic 34 749

vote type 1 15 051

By Anonymous - 03/12/2014 17:06 - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He's Latino, so I thought he'd like it if I made a bit of noise and called him "papi" while we did it. It freaked him out enough to kill his boner, and now he thinks I have some kind of incest fetish. FML

agreeclassic 23 610

vote type 1 46 457

By Summer Loving Happened So Fast - 02/12/2014 17:59 - United States - Cookeville

Spicy

Today, after two years, my girlfriend finally got over her intimacy and commitment problems, with a guy she met over the summer. FML

agreeclassic 38 261

vote type 1 3 296

By justagirl - 02/12/2014 05:40 - United States - Roseville

Spicy

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend of 2 years, he mentioned what it would be like if he had sex with anyone other than me. I mentioned the same about him. He quickly yelled, "No, you're a woman. You are mine!" FML

agreeclassic 41 985

vote type 1 5 901

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, I served my good friend and his girlfriend at the restaurant where I work. They did a "dine and dash". FML

agreeclassic 5 420

vote type 1 415

Today, I saw a customer at the restaurant I work at lovingly petting his cheeseburger and whispering sweet promises to it. FML

agreeclassic 39 140

vote type 1 3 745

Today, I took my boyfriend's advice and finally stood up to my very passive-agressive, rude mother. What started in a conversation about her snide comment about my outfit ended in me needing to find somewhere else to live. FML

agreeclassic 21 275

vote type 1 3 260

Today, I found out why my biology class TA, who takes the class alongside the other students, was always so eager to collect my work. Turns out, she's been erasing my name on my papers and writing hers in all semester. My failing final grade has already been finalized. FML

agreeclassic 12 489

vote type 1 980

Today, I saw this other trans man at college. He comes from a very accepting family, who let him go on testosterone. He’s so handsome, I’m so jealous. I get an ache in my chest when I see him. I can't help but think, "How is this fair? Why can’t I be that handsome?" I feel so disgusting for being jealous of him. FML

agreeclassic 374

vote type 1 466

Today, my dad called me for the first time in weeks. All he wanted to tell me was that Ashlee Simpson got fired from Melrose Place. Then he hung up. FML

agreeclassic 32 492

vote type 1 2 609