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Relaxed

By Sorry, Doc - 10/09/2022 01:30

Today, I was very tense as I sat in the chair for my gyno appointment, so the doctor repeatedly told me to relax, in order for her to do the routine exam. I then overcompensated and relaxed so much, I accidentally farted in her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 993

You deserved it 230

By sierraleeannee - 09/02/2014 06:44 - United States

Today, I was breast feeding my son. Out of nowhere, he bit my nipple hard, causing me to scream in pain. He giggled with my nipple still between his teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 294

You deserved it 7 250

sierraleeannee tells us more.

sierraleeannee 13

Sunday 9 February 2014 12:59

OP here. I can't believe this got posted before I went to bed! Hahaha! For some reason this got edited out, but he ended up smacking me in the face after he bit me. He's 9 months old so he thinks it's hilarious obviously. And I'm not sure why it didn't show my name, I posted it while logged in. And as for the person who said time for bottle feeding, he won't take a bottle, which is fine with me! He's teething so he tends to bite more when he is. Glad to know my son has made people laugh :)

Headphones are a health hazard

By Anonymous - 01/07/2021 16:01

Today, only some excellent security footage stopped me being arrested after I bumped into a young girl while looking at my phone and her mother, an Uber Karen, accused me of sexual assault and an off-duty woman police officer tackled me to the ground before I'd even took off my headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 310

You deserved it 137

By AnonymousQuagga - 07/02/2014 03:07 - United States - Flower Mound

Today, I was at the library, working with some classmates on our major semester project. I accidentally killed power to the row of computers by me. I've never had so many enraged faces looking at me before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 508

You deserved it 16 339

By coltsfoot - 23/05/2010 09:08 - Norway

Today, while having sex with the guy I have seen for about 3 years, he answered the phone. I found out that he had a girlfriend while he was inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 475

You deserved it 7 098

Timing is everything

By unluckypanda - 04/07/2021 04:04 - United States - Makawao

Today, I had a photoshoot planned weeks ago, getting one of the last coveted spots. My boyfriend couldn’t even show up on time. It was a sunrise shoot. We arrived once the sun had been up for 25 mins already. He wondered "what the big deal is?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 943

You deserved it 219

Tough shit

By c.m.g. - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, I was taking a dump in a porta-potty at a fair. I had the runs really bad. All I have to say is that it's tough to take a shit that seems never-ending while other people outside are bitching at you and hammering on the flimsy door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 617

You deserved it 3 947

Glue ear

By NoMoreHeadphones - 08/09/2009 19:32 - United States

Today, I was listening to my iPod while changing the diaper on my baby. One earbud fell out of my ear and onto the changing table so I quickly picked it up without looking and put it back in my ear, only to realize the headphone had fallen onto more than a table. I now have brown earphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 860

You deserved it 47 363

By Anonymous - 02/02/2014 17:33 - United States - Far Rockaway

Today, I was bitched out at 2 a.m. by my parents, for trying to "sneak out." I was sneaking out of my bedroom to take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 065

You deserved it 3 994

By c-mack - 08/09/2009 00:52 - United States

Today, I got jumped by five dudes who took my phone. On it I had naked pictures of myself. An hour later they sent the pictures to all of my contacts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 739

You deserved it 47 029

Tricky

By Anonymous - 18/09/2022 03:00

Today, I'm so sexually frustrated that I started to fantasize about men other than my husband. The problem is I'm my recently disabled husband's carer, and the man I'm fantasizing about is the one who his ex-wife cheated on him with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 532

You deserved it 1 361

He's a diamond

By Sick - 27/09/2022 20:30

Today, I found out my husband has been flirting with and dating behind my back the nurse who treats my cancer. He admitted that he needs someone healthy and not someone who’s “gonna be sick all the time.” He also attempted to justify it by saying, “You’re gonna die anyway and then what am I gonna do?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 260

You deserved it 153

By WTA - 20/02/2012 17:36 - United States

Today, I tried to impress my wife by doing a bunch of push-ups, despite having a bad shoulder. She told me my form sucks and that I'm an idiot. Now I can barely move my arm and I'm going to have to get it fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 660

You deserved it 34 959

Overreaction

By BikerBuddy - 14/05/2010 01:11 - France

Today, I saw a blond-haired guy crouched by my bike fiddling with something as I came back from the shop. Thinking he was a thief, I slammed him across the head with my helmet, knocked him over - then I realised not only was he a kid barely in his teens, he was tying his shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 790

You deserved it 46 365

Bad karma

By Anonymous - 26/01/2014 17:21 - United Kingdom - Aberystwyth

Today, after waiting two weeks for an email with my online textbook access code, it still hadn't arrived in time for my quiz tomorrow, so I ended up spending most of my money on the expensive physical copy. Not long after I got back home, the email finally arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 224

You deserved it 5 045

By lifesucks - 24/02/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, I walked into work after being completly wasted last night. I was sitting in a meeting when all of a sudden the presenter had gotten an e-mail saying "crazy girl dances on tables at local bar". So obviously everyone wanted to watch it. That crazy girl was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 965

You deserved it 50 312

Evil and cunning

By Anonymous - 09/10/2022 05:00

Today, I lost my job due to anonymous customer complaints. Turns out it was my toxic mother-in-law. She made those complaints because she thinks if I’m unemployed, it will be easier to convince my husband to divorce me. Luckily he knows she’s toxic and is on my side, but I’m still unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 723

You deserved it 108

Screeching

By sdd - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Switzerland - Lotzwil

Today, I was chatting with my choir leader. I told him that I have been thinking about taking singing lessons. His immediate reaction was, "Thank God, finally!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 826

You deserved it 6 874

By sharpie2792 - 15/02/2012 19:26 - United States

Today, I fought back with words against a bully. He cried, and I got detention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 135

You deserved it 2 970

By frustrated - 22/01/2013 07:20 - Australia - Mittagong

Today, my mother insisted I dress very smartly in suit attire for my first job interview at a hippy-style retail store. My interviewer wore a poncho. I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 185

You deserved it 7 052

By YouAREthefather - 18/03/2010 16:48 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store, holding hands with his very pregnant girlfriend. They were buying baby supplies. We had a very nasty and painful breakup not even three months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 441

You deserved it 3 859

By broken - 02/09/2009 09:45 - Australia

Today, my mum hit me with her car as she was backing out of the driveway, hitting my leg, and crushing my bike. For the third time this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 421

You deserved it 10 246

Many such cases

By Thomas - 28/09/2022 11:30

Today, I'm thirteen and I don't have a social life, because my parents started homeschooling me in the second grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 155

You deserved it 208

Some sort of issues

By Dusk - 30/09/2022 20:30

Today, I tried to rent the new Aladdin with my '90s obsessed war vet roommate. Thirty seconds into the opening credits, he begins screaming that the movie is trash, and then rents out the original. He re-rented the new one and trashed it the whole time, ranting that Jasmin should be beheaded for speaking over a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 117

You deserved it 182

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk

By annonoymus - 16/03/2010 16:00 - Australia

Today, I was having an in depth discussion with my girlfriend's father about how corrupt journalists are and how our town's paper is the worst paper on the planet. After insulting basically everything about the newspaper, I asked him what he did for a living. He's the editor of the newspaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 753

You deserved it 47 164

By Noname - 20/02/2009 00:17 - United States

Today, in class my friend played a joke on me by pulling my seat from under me while i was about to sit. I fell and everybody laughed at me. During the next class, I did the same thing to him. He broke his arm. He was the star of the basketball team. Nobody laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 208

You deserved it 25 136

Too on the nose

By Anonymous - 19/07/2021 16:03

Today, my boyfriend was trying to describe his feelings. I asked him if he felt any emotions other than "anger." He went to get a beer and never came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 971

You deserved it 395

By Anonymous - 10/01/2014 16:12 - United States - Shelbyville

Today, my boyfriend saw a YouTube video of a guy throwing boiling water into the cold air, with the water immediately turning to ice and vapor. He copied it, but only succeeded in dousing himself with boiling water, then making me drive his idiot self to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 344

You deserved it 5 698

By shorty - 11/04/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, I found out that if I were 2 inches shorter, I would have to sit in a booster seat in the car. I'm about to turn 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 728

You deserved it 4 872

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 19:34 - United States

Today, I was in a movie when my boyfriend sent out a mass text saying that he'd just lost his virginity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 452

You deserved it 4 271

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The Top

Today, I found out that apparently the pipes for my toilet were never connected, so anything you flush just falls out onto the basement floor downstairs. I've lived here 4 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 255

You deserved it 2 817

Today, I had to bribe my cousin with Monster Energy Drinks and Halo 5 so he wouldn't tell my mom I snuck out to meet a boy. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 392

You deserved it 8 548

Today, I sped off down the road, then realized to my horror that my cat was clinging to the roof of the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 280

You deserved it 11 529

Today, as I was mowing my neighbor's lawn, I found the Playboy magazine he'd left in his yard. I found it with the mower. I spent the next hour picking up little shards of naked women for no extra pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 375

You deserved it 7 073

Today, my boyfriend and parents went out to dinner. As we started the meal, my boyfriend proposed and the restaurant burst into applause. My mother said without hesitation and a large scowl, "If you say yes, I'm leaving." FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 229

You deserved it 4 362

Today, I'm taking care of my bedridden, 94-year-old grandma. She woke me up at 6 a.m. only to tell me her UTI is still there. Later, she made me interrupt my 15-minute-dinner a total of 4 times because she wanted things like "more lotion in her buttcrack." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 676

You deserved it 216