The Top

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By Maddie110110 - 07/06/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend a long and heartfelt message. He responded with "tl; dr". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 222

You deserved it 6 708

Gag reflex

By banananana - 25/09/2019 20:00 - Switzerland

Today, my dentist applied a paste on my teeth to make them more resistant. It tasted so disgustingly like artificial banana that I had to throw up. I'm not allowed to brush my teeth, drink or eat for 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 415

You deserved it 219

Get the message

By ryjacs - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I received an email from my potential employers at the zoo, saying that they won't be hiring me. This wouldn't be so bad if they didn't keep sending me the same email every two hours to remind me that I am still unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 128

You deserved it 2 897

By Icy - 01/10/2009 06:59 - United States

Today, my crush was talking to me on Facebook. He said, "Did you know that 99% of the time a guy is talking to a girl it's because he wants to go out with her? Yeah, well, this is that 1%." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 761

You deserved it 3 726

Drama alert!

By heart - 20/05/2021 01:59

Today, I complained to my parents about chest pains. My mom said, "For fuck’s sake, it’s our day off. Can we just have ONE day without your drama?" Turns out, I was actually having a heart attack. She still won’t apologize, and is in fact mad at me for having a heart attack on her day off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 569

You deserved it 113

Gimme the drugs

By Richmond24 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth out. My mom didn't get my prescription for painkillers because she thought I'd get addicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 589

You deserved it 3 846

By explodingpupppet - 30/09/2009 16:41 - United States

Today, after a month of searching, I found a perfect apartment which I rented out for the next few months. The rent was inexpensive and the place was close to my job. Turns out, my 'perfect' new apartment overlooks a nudist community. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 579

You deserved it 36 956

Date night

By shelteredchild - 20/03/2009 00:07 - United States

Today, I got the courage to ask my mom if I could go to the movies alone on my first date with my new boyfriend. She said OK, which was surprising because she never lets me go anywhere alone. When I got to the theatre with him I saw my mom. She had saved seats for us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 247

You deserved it 4 608

By someone - 01/04/2014 19:21 - United States - Point Pleasant

Today, I resorted to the oldest prank in the book: laxatives in the food. Except it wasn't for a prank, but just a desperate attempt to get my clingy boyfriend to leave me the hell alone. I think I'm going to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 576

You deserved it 12 692

By lolk - 10/03/2013 07:41 - United States - Little Rock

Today, my boyfriend and I were on my bed when things started getting hot and it began to shake. My little sister called the entire family to the hall to listen to "the frogs in the wall". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 728

You deserved it 41 738

By kaleigh - 31/05/2011 17:01 - United States

Today, as I was walking out of a restaurant with my boyfriend, I saw some guys checking me out. One of them walked up to my boyfriend and said, "Dude, you and your girlfriend have matching moustaches!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 825

You deserved it 10 202

Make it stop

By SnuggieOverload - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I finally found out that someone had stolen my debit card and maxed it out. The good news? Whoever it was forgot to change the address on the card, so everything they bought online has been shipped to me. The bad news? I've received 16 snuggies so far, and I'm still counting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 336

You deserved it 3 799

By marriage/celibacy/synonymity - 08/03/2013 23:36 - Norway - Espeland

Today, I showed my wife an article about how frequent orgasms can prevent prostate cancer, as well as increase both partners' overall health. She replied that she wouldn't judge me if I masturbated, as long as I don't use porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 429

You deserved it 9 374

By ramis182 - 27/03/2012 00:17 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was not yet wearing my bouncer uniform when a fight broke out at a club. I intervened, only to have the cops who showed up tase me because they thought I was part of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 613

You deserved it 4 676

Urges

By Anonymous - 29/05/2021 04:01

Today, I accidentally bought chicken fingers. I couldn't even make it two days as a vegetarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 301

You deserved it 984

Bored

By wideawake - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, my husband fell asleep for two hours at a dinner party. We were the hosts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 835

You deserved it 5 694

Smartass

By dumbass for a flatmate - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Australia - Sydney

Today, my roommate told me that she wants to get some of those "My Family" stickers for her car. She's single and has no children. What does she want to get? One for her, and one for her goldfish. Sadly, this is probably one of the most intelligent things she's said all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 596

You deserved it 3 863

Why would you go and do a thing like that?

By anonymous - 25/05/2011 14:33 - Singapore

Today, I inexplicably claimed ownership of someone else's fart in the subway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 347

You deserved it 37 020

By see you next cunt - 18/03/2014 19:44 - United States

Today, about 10 minutes into my first jog in months, someone in a car started following me, yelling stuff like "Oh my god, it's Shamu!" and "Run faster, fatty!" I ended up breaking down in tears before he finally sped off, roaring with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 006

You deserved it 5 140

Slippin' and a-slidin'

By Anon - 13/03/2009 04:00 - United States

Today, I was on the subway. I have fairly serious OCD, so I avoided holding the poles or handles. All the seats were taken, so I leaned against a wall. At the next stop, an obese, sweaty man got on and grabbed the two poles around me, effectively hugging me. My shirt was wet when he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 553

You deserved it 6 015

Trading places

By Clarie Sierra - 03/06/2021 20:01

Today, after 6 years of dating, 2 years of marriage, a daughter and another one on the way, my husband decided that he’s "not the one for me" and told me he was leaving for his co-worker who he’s only known for a few months. Apparently they’re more "meant to be." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 340

You deserved it 355

So pissed

By soaked - 25/02/2013 19:16 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was babysitting, and I had to pee really, really badly. I couldn't figure out how to get the stupid toilet lock off, and ended up pissing myself. As I stood in the bathroom in tears, their child screamed, "No, no, pee-pee in the POTTY!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 590

You deserved it 9 088

By rioght onnn - 20/05/2011 19:38 - Canada

Today, while working at a restaurant, an elderly lady stuck my tip in my back pocket as I was walking away. I wish I knew this before I'd thrown her to the floor for touching my hiney. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 943

You deserved it 43 757

By THATguy - 21/09/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I was at work when two sheriff's deputies walked in. They asked me my name and when I told them, they asked me to turn around and they cuffed me. They told me I was under arrest for robbery. Turns out I was mistakenly IDed, but now every one at my job thinks I'm an armed robber. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 100

You deserved it 2 306

Thank God For VPN

By Anonymous - 05/06/2021 16:59 - Nigeria

Today, the government of my country banned Twitter because Twitter deleted one of our president's tweets yesterday. Democratic government, indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 952

You deserved it 187

Look what they did to my boy

By crying with laughter - 10/08/2022 18:00

Today, and since yesterday, I've received numerous tearful, and sometimes angry, phone calls from my mom. The calls were not about her health issues, my kids, or even my dad losing his job. No, she was angry-crying about the FBI raid at Trump's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 370

You deserved it 196

Up it goes

By 0stvn0 - 16/03/2012 01:18 - Canada

Today, my doctor booked me in for an STI test. I was feeling confident until he explained it will involve having a catheter inserted into my piss pipe. He shook his head sadly and said, "Gonna be honest Steve, the pain's beyond belief." Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 803

You deserved it 5 702

Mythbusters

By Anonymous - 21/08/2022 12:00

Today, my wife asked me to come upstairs, all sexy like. I was sceptical, but I went upstairs after her. When I got there, she handed me a drill and told me to finally get on with building the flat pack dressing table. This is the reason I am sceptical. Romance is a lie kids, never get married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 620

You deserved it 1 261

By Anonymous - 19/09/2009 08:17 - United States

Today, my boss asked me to take some of the female mannequins and change the outfits. As I was changing them, I realized that this was the most action I've gotten in almost a year. Not only am I twenty-seven, but I'm married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 324

You deserved it 3 703

Nerves

By ADH2000 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I stopped to take a pee in the lobby before I went in. I relaxed a bit too much at the urinal and accidentally farted. I chuckled about it like a 5 year-old for a few seconds. The guy who had been next to me at the urinal was the interviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 031

You deserved it 47 534

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The Top

Today, I decided to not go to a strip club for the second Saturday in a row, because I didn't want to appear desperate in front of the strippers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 382

You deserved it 23 462

Today, I decided to be a good driver and not run through the yellow light. As soon as I stopped my car another came and rear-ended me. The guy told me to go in the parking lot so we can exchange information. So I drove into the parking lot, I turned my head and watched him drive away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 616

You deserved it 7 627

Today, after 2 years of searching, I finally have a job that I love. Now I'm probably going to lose it because I started having sex with one of my managers, and our coworkers are starting to catch on. They caught on pretty much the day I told him that we should stop having sex so we wouldn't lose our jobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 548

You deserved it 3 388

Today, as I was at work as a gynecologist, a twelve-year-old girl asked me, on a scale of 1-10, how tight her "fun stuff" was. This is the new generation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 464

You deserved it 118

Today, the nutcase I was dating broke up with me because I don't want to open a shop with his broke ass using my lifelong saved money. He's now throwing all I told him in confidence back in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 976

You deserved it 133

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. His mom didn’t know much about it, and she walked in on us. After about 5 minutes she came back up, threw a box of condoms at us, says, "Continue" and walked out. We were still fucking while she was in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 387

You deserved it 2 198