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By nuns aren’t sexy - 07/05/2019 02:00

Spicy

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with some kinky role play. I chose a sexy naughty nun's outfit, complete with head cover, thigh-high stockings and crotchless panties. I guess my outfit was a little too convincing, because he couldn’t get it up. Thanks Catholic guilt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 177

You deserved it 911

By innocent - 19/04/2017 00:00

Today my best friend called me at 6 a.m., ranting and accusing me of sleeping with her husband. I live two hours away and haven't seen him in person in over six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 492

You deserved it 347

By Anonymous - 29/08/2014 16:16 - United States - Port Lavaca

Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 223

You deserved it 3 974

By not a dick-man - 12/08/2014 17:05 - Canada - Victoria

Spicy

Today, I saw a bulge in my friend's pocket. I poked it and asked, "What'cha got there?" He said, "Uh, that's my dick, Mike." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 771

You deserved it 31 617

By HighasaCloud - 10/12/2016 02:38

Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to stretch my arms. A spider dangling from the ceiling must have been watching me since it had perfect timing on its descent right into my open yawning mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 654

You deserved it 775

By ouch - 13/06/2012 16:00 - United States - Lutz

Today, I was cashiering, and a customer's change came to $5.51. She looked pretty stinking rich, so I just gave her $5.50. She demanded the extra penny, and I asked if she really needed it. She said, "No, but they do, asshole," and dropped her $5.51 in the charity donation box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 629

You deserved it 120 365

By Anonymous1221 - 21/11/2016 07:12

Today, I was told by the guy I've liked for years that he would date me if he was straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 162

You deserved it 1 468

By hunting7waves - 25/09/2015 05:31 - United States - Des Moines

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years told me he had a surprise for me at midnight. I stayed up all night, not hearing from him. Finally I get a notification. Apparently, my midnight surprise is that I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 750

You deserved it 1 899

Asshat

By marenthehollow - 31/10/2016 00:33 - United States - American Fork

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for saving them money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 585

You deserved it 914

Nice gesture, or something

By NoTeddies - 21/09/2016 22:48 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, my boyfriend gave me a teddy bear keyring. I had to explain that although many grown women like cuddly toys, I don't. And even if I did, a filthy, soaking wet bear he found in a puddle on the street is not a nice gesture, despite his suggestion I can just wash it in the machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 482

You deserved it 1 394

Gibson headstock blues

By nicrus - 15/09/2016 20:13 - Norway

Today, my girlfriend and her mother bought a hanger for my $2000 guitar as a birthday present. They wanted to surprise me by hanging it on the wall. They screwed it upside down, so before I came home it fell off and my guitar broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 562

You deserved it 764

Not a Bio major

By Anonymous - 27/06/2011 13:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 165

You deserved it 8 147

By Bailey - 22/08/2010 06:58 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom with my 4 year old daughter. I took her in the stall with me, and as I was using the restroom she looked down and loudly asked, "Mommy! Why do you have a beard on your peepee?!!" Then I heard everybody in the stalls next to us laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 797

You deserved it 14 101

By socially awkward cupcake - 16/02/2017 15:52

Today, a guy I like tried to talk to me. I got so nervous that I had a panic attack and puked in front of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 767

You deserved it 411

By dumpedfornoreason - 02/10/2017 01:30 - United States - Normal

Today, I ran out of clean underwear and uncovered the pile of lingerie in the back of the drawer, none of which had been worn in over a year. Thanks, laundry day, for reminding me of how single I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 079

You deserved it 596

Undervalued

By burnuptowndow - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, we got a new boss. This would have been great if he knew how to do his job. I've spent the last week training a guy who hits on co-workers and gets paid twice as much as me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 284

You deserved it 306

Creepy Dick Pic

By huh? - 18/09/2019 22:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Spicy

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me a photo of him getting head from a gorgeous woman. He captioned it “Jealous?” with smiley emojis. I’m not sure what’s creepier, the fact that he sent it, that he even has my new number or that we broke up more than 8 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 795

You deserved it 158

By pat3212 - 11/08/2016 22:56 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to get two teenagers to stop playing bumper cars with the electric scooters at the grocery store I work at. I'm seventeen, and they don't pay me enough for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 471

You deserved it 1 355

By ChubbyPanda - 08/08/2016 22:49

Today, after not moving at work all day, I decided to be healthy and walk home. Now my thighs are numb from rubbing together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 863

You deserved it 3 631

By holluphollup - 01/08/2016 18:01 - United States - Mineola

Today, my mom told me that she wanted the whole family to move to Guatemala. I told her, as nice and calmly as I could, that this was an awful idea. She is now furious with me because I don't want to move to Guatemala. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 392

You deserved it 951

holluphollup tells us more.

holluphollup 12

Tuesday 2 August 2016 21:04

OP here. I'm here to explain this a little better. Ok so first off, I'm under 18 so therefore I can't leave. Second, my mother wants to do this because she wants to be a midwife, and Guatemala has cheap midwifery classes and programs. You might say she's doing this to help us financially, but my dads a doctor so that takes care of itself. Also, my mom has horrible back problems. At times she can barely move without hurting. If she's like this, then how will she be able to perform her job well? ( Surgery isn't an option because everyon we've tried has failed). I'm 17 and I've been in a small town where everybody knows everybody. I'm at the top of my class, and I have a real shot into getting into a prestigious university. I also have very deep connections with the people here. I don't want to throw this away. I don't mean to be rude and thwart my moms dreams, but it's just not what's best right now in my opinion. Hope this answered a lot of your questions. Also, thanks for all the support I really appreciate it. :)

By Anonymous - 22/07/2016 17:17

Today, I woke up and found a turd casually sitting in the bathroom sink. Just 9 more months left on this lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 474

You deserved it 816

By GyroUpgraded - 20/07/2016 23:03 - United States - Portland

Today, after driving to three drug testing clinics that were approved for my job, each one declined me, saying they don't do testing anymore. Now I have to drive another 25 miles to see if someone will say, "You're clean." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 898

You deserved it 944

Technically Spanish

By LeChameauTrisomique - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - France - Saint-germain-de-la-grange

Today, in the middle of a Spanish oral exam, I started to panic. My teacher suggested that I should say whatever popped into my head. I blurted out, "Heeey Macarena!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 199

You deserved it 9 171

The simple life

By swervelol - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, as well as for the past two weeks, my brother has been making up songs about farts and singing them non-stop. He's 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 046

You deserved it 1 171

By Pissed Off - 07/03/2009 10:13 - Australia

Today, I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend, "Would you still love me if I looked like her?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 185 622

You deserved it 12 060

By wantedphantom - 09/07/2016 02:26

Today, I was at the lake with my family. I was drinking from a can of soda but didn't realize a bee flew into the can. I didn't swallow it, but I now have Kylie Jenner's lips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 837

You deserved it 1 008

By hotdogbunz - 23/01/2018 19:00

Today, my coworker was supposed to pick me up to go to a work event as my car is broken. I waited 3 hours and he never showed. After he arrived late to the event due to traffic, he told my boss that he waited for me and I never came out. Guess who's unemployed now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 287

You deserved it 395

By srhoa01 - 05/07/2016 06:42

Today, while at school, some jerk shot me in the foot with a BB gun. While in agonizing pain, I yelled, "FUCK" as loud as possible. A teacher walked by, oblivious to the fact I had just been shot with a BB gun and wrote me up for, "Disrespectful language". FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 352

You deserved it 1 615

You what now?

By tryena - 28/02/2009 10:59 - United States

Spicy

Today, I babysat a five year-old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist and said, "YUMMY! I'm going to eat you!" with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, "Finally, some action!" I turned around to find her dad staring at me, having heard. He's my cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 318

You deserved it 93 060

By Anonymous - 09/06/2016 23:37 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came home to my wife packing a bag. We had been fighting recently and I understood why she was leaving, but then I noticed she wasn't packing her stuff. She explained that I was the one who was leaving, she was just packing my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 713

You deserved it 2 288

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The Top

Today, I was having a debate with my friend, who actually believes karma is real. He got very angry with me and stormed off, tripping over his own feet in the process. I laughed and asked what he'd done in a past life to deserve that one. He responded by getting up and punching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 673

You deserved it 39 225

Today, I got stuck in a three-hour traffic jam because I sneezed and missed the road I was meant to take. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 644

You deserved it 4 928

Today, while at a party, Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" started playing. For being the only one who didn't know the lyrics, I had beer thrown on me, my shirt stolen, and I was locked outside for half an hour. It's below freezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 976

You deserved it 37 637

Today, at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and a card for our anniversary. I opened the card to find a condom. I ran over and closed the door and we immediately got at it in the middle of my office. Halfway through, I realized I have been laying on the intercom button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 249

You deserved it 37 185

Today, I was feeling sick and I farted really loud in the school's girls bathroom. Some boys overheard from the hall and called everyone over. I came out only to find about 20 guys staring anxiously at the bathroom's door to see who I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 832

You deserved it 6 916

Today, I had to take a delivery to a known hoarder. I was braced for the sight of the house, but not the naked fat guy and the smell of dead cat when he answered the door. To top it off, they didn't even tip me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 777

You deserved it 199