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By booksandshadows - 04/03/2014 09:06 - United States - San Diego

Today, while walking through Wal-Mart I noticed a cute employee. With a sudden burst of confidence, I walked right up to him, intending to ask for his number. Instead, I looked him in the eye and said, "Excuse me sir, how much do you know about bedsheets?" and then ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 689

You deserved it 12 679

By sara - 17/09/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, during gym class, my teacher insisted that everyone should relieve some stress by throwing a basketball at the wall. I wound up and hurled the thing at the wall, it bounced back and hit me in the stomach. I began to vomit uncontrollably. Even my teacher laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 284

You deserved it 10 474

By JP - 08/03/2009 09:14 - United States

Today, I was reading my girlfriend's girly magazine. There was an article stating that if a girl tells a guy his dick is the perfect size, she really means that it is too small. My girlfriend claims everything in the magazine is right. She told me my dick was the perfect size last weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 768

You deserved it 8 670

jpshotstar tells us more.

jpshotstar 0

Sunday 8 March 2009 23:30

Yeah so the part of the story I had to leave out (due to the number of characters allowed) was that when I showed my girlfriend, she swore that she was telling the truth, and got really upset when I didn't believe her. So I told her i believed her. Anyway, FML for a few hours.

Weird timing

By Anonymous - 17/02/2013 22:44 - Hungary - Szeged

Today, while at church, I received a text from my girlfriend, saying, "It's not working. We're over." Not only was my phone not on silent mode, I was sitting directly beside my now ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 948

You deserved it 4 529

Sims

By Grace - 20/06/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, a close friend pointed out to me how ironic it is that I make the Sim version of myself work out to lose weight, while I sit on my fat ass playing video games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 587

You deserved it 53 540

By Doritos - 17/06/2010 08:06 - United States

Today, my room-mate came out of the bathroom, tossed a Playboy on the coffee table, threw away a used condom, dug his hand into my bag of Doritos, and washed his hands. In that order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 573

You deserved it 37

The Girl Can't Help It

By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 22:00

Today, I got fired from my job for having a resting bitch face when I get frustrated or when I'm concentrating on my work. According to them, I have to work on my "anger issues." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 864

You deserved it 229

By Anon - 08/03/2012 11:53 - United States

Today, I was called an assortment of names and was almost followed home by a crazy bitch. Why? Because I stated that it was unsanitary for her to bring her dog to a grocery store. She clearly disagreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 729

You deserved it 7 580

Postman Pat

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 06:01

Today, I got a callback for a job, asking for an interview. I got very excited but also anxious because it's my first job after graduating from uni. While I was on call scheduling the interview, I realised I'd accidentally applied to the Royal Post to be a mailman. Now I have to call again and explain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 283

You deserved it 1 084

Jesus saves!

By that’s just gross - 20/06/2021 22:01

Today, I’ve always tried to be understanding that my girlfriend grew up very poor and is therefore extremely frugal. However, I finally had to draw the line when she flipped out on me for throwing out her respooled used dental floss and buying another. It was 98 cents for a new one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 127

You deserved it 97

Pineapple juice

By Anonymous - 26/12/2023 00:00 - United States

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend when she said, "Babe, I'm not trying to be rude but your cum tastes horrible." I didn't know how to respond so I said, "Okay." Apparently, me saying that means i won't try to make my cum taste better, which I can "definitely do", and now she's mad at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 462

You deserved it 307

By shots shots shots - 12/02/2013 07:41 - United States - Redlands

Today, my needle-phobic mother took me to get a shot. She fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 415

You deserved it 2 989

Red flag

By Anonymous - 28/06/2021 16:03

Today, my boyfriend and I went clothes shopping for an upcoming wedding trip to Mexico. He wanted a dressing room fashion show to approve what I would buy. I’m 40. Last time I did this, I was in grade school. Maybe I shouldn’t go on the trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 802

You deserved it 199

By mugged - 01/06/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, I got mugged by someone wearing a bear suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 402

You deserved it 47

Catfished

By cbolig - 03/05/2011 12:15

Today, while on a first date with a guy who turned out to be twice my age, we were playing video games at the theatre before the movie started. Suddenly he falls face first while having a seizure. The EMT asked if my "dad" had a history of epilepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 414

You deserved it 31 796

By 0ptimu5 - 11/09/2009 04:39 - Australia

Today, I saw a cute girl at a night club. When I approached her and introduced myself, she said "Don't you remember me? We danced here last weekend... but you were smashed that night". I cheekily replied "Oh really? That's hot, what happened next?" She said "You were hitting on me. So, I left." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 701

You deserved it 43 517

You what now?

By bottlepoppin - 02/03/2009 02:31 - United States

Today, a customer opened with, "You open bottles with them thangs?" I looked around my desk for something he might've confused with an actual bottle opener. His girlfriend then informed me that he was talking about my breasts. I work for a bank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 087

You deserved it 3 968

By Username - 28/02/2012 00:37 - United States

Today, my friend and I were playing football in the street, when out of nowhere a homeless man sucker punches me in the gut, grabs my football, and runs away laughing like a maniac. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 604

You deserved it 3 051

By hatestomove - 26/05/2010 14:21 - United States

Today, I fell down the stairs carrying a huge TV. Don't worry, my body cushioned the TV's fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 684

You deserved it 4 930

By a2 - 06/02/2014 06:57 - Australia - Bayswater

Today, my boyfriend admitted to subtly encouraging me to do stupid things because he finds my "bimbo moments" hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 038

You deserved it 8 249

Biker down

By Samm Povich - 25/02/2012 05:36 - United States

Today, while working as a police dispatcher, I took a call for a motorcycle accident that occurred near my house. After obtaining all the essential information I realized the rider was my brother. He doesn't own a motorcycle, but I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 973

You deserved it 2 546

Betrayal!

By Anonymous - 23/05/2010 05:32 - Canada

Today, my best friend of 10 years told me she had slept with a man who had a girlfriend. I told her that it wasn't that bad. She then informed me that it was my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 041

You deserved it 10 551

Superficial

By Alyssa - 08/01/2024 15:00 - United States

Today, the guy I was hopelessly crushing on 4 years ago who told me, and I quote, “I’d rather stab my dick with pins & needles and dip it in lemon juice than go out with Miss Piggy.” is now saying, “Wow, hun you look great! You know, I always liked you, can we give it another shot?” I’ve lost 65 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 840

You deserved it 226

By Chad - 27/04/2011 01:20 - United States

Today, my wife bought $80 worth of Glee songs on iTunes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 579

You deserved it 10 464

Best night out ever

By Dopeydancer - 08/09/2009 13:12 - United Kingdom

Today, after a few drinks with some mates at a bar, we were invited to the dancefloor with some girls. After some dancing and flirting, I felt a cheeky squeeze on my backside, and so I quickly returned the favour without looking back. A few minutes later at the bar, I realised my wallet was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 233

You deserved it 13 081

The most important member of the family

By puppydrama - 30/01/2013 21:05 - United States

Today, my dad and his new wife got their wedding pictures done. Out of over 150 pictures, I was only in one. The family dog was in all of them. In the one picture of me, I was holding the dog's leash while he took a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 088

You deserved it 2 942

By Anonymous - 22/02/2012 16:47 - United States

Today, I found out why you shouldn't drop instant mashed potatoes in a fish tank, especially when you have expensive fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 213

You deserved it 45 130

The View

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I was forced to spend three hours looking at a fat guy's butt crack, seated directly in front of me during an exam. I'm pretty sure it lowered my grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 387

You deserved it 7 950

By thetheatreguy - 26/02/2009 14:56 - Canada

Today, I went on the best date I've been on in years. Later on, over drinks we get talking and I explain how I came out to my friends and family. When I ask him how he came out, he replies that he isn't gay, and oh, did I think this was a date? FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 702

You deserved it 12 857

By mishie1 - 21/02/2012 12:44 - United States

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 732

You deserved it 2 940

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The Top

Today, I requested to have the next Sunday off of my job in retail. Not only did my boss say that we're not allowed to ask for weekends off anymore, but I also have to work on another weekend that I requested off. I guess I'm not going to my sister's wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 612

You deserved it 742

Today, my boss told me that people from work have been complaining about me. Apparently, I'm not doing part of their jobs for them, and the other manager sometimes does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 122

You deserved it 1 525

Today, I was on the train next to an elderly woman. When I told her it was my stop, she turned her knees towards the aisle, and I, thinking that she was letting me go by, began to edge past. She screamed, "DON'T PUSH ME!" and the whole train turned to look. I was thus the asshole pushing the old lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 148

You deserved it 1 689

Today, I got a message from my teacher about my homework. We were supposed to write an original myth explaining a natural event. My teacher bumped my grade for it down to a C for copying a myth that already exists. My myth was based on an original story I've been writing for two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 561

You deserved it 3 683

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 309

You deserved it 3 743

Today, I asked my husband to borrow his phone, since mine had died. His response was, “Well, you have a charger, use it.” When I reminded him that we weren’t at home, he screamed at me in front of everyone at the store, “I’m not letting you go through my phone and that’s final!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 467

You deserved it 205