The Top

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Cloth ears

By Chad - 10/09/2020 10:02 - United States - Norfolk

Today, my hubby asked me what we were doing for dinner. He'd already asked me twice and each time I responded, he said, "Sounds good." He has no idea why I feel like he doesn't listen to me. He's been doing this shit for 12 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 564

You deserved it 354

By Anonymous - 27/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was talking to my military brother about him coming home soon. I told him that our parents don't always handle change well, but are excited to see him. He took that to mean that they don't want him home and to make plans to stay where he is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 894

You deserved it 954

Never enough

By Notgoodenough - 27/11/2021 07:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out my ex-husband quit smoking and went back to school for his new girlfriend. I’d been behind his ass getting him to stop his bad habits for the entire year and a half of our marriage, and he didn’t wanna do it. Nice to know he wanted to be a better man… for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 375

You deserved it 430

Field recordings

By Stress - 06/02/2020 14:00 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, after our teacher had said this class would be very important and that we should take notes, instead of writing notes, I brought a recorder to class. After class, I listened to the recording, and all I could hear was muffled voices. FML

I agree, your life sucks 846

You deserved it 2 853

Escape game

By Anonymous - 05/12/2021 11:01

Today, my date escaped through a second-storey bathroom window before our drinks even arrived. She later texted me that it wasn’t my fault, I just reminded her too much of her father, even though I’m two years younger than her and look nothing like the photos I've seen of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 117

You deserved it 136

Classic story

By Anonymous - 01/10/2020 05:01

Today, I found out my boyfriend of six years, with whom I wanted to spend my life with, has been cheating behind my back with my friend. The kicker? They met after I invited her to live with us to get away from her chaotic family, and I suspected she was emotionally stunted at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 394

You deserved it 221

Clean break

By Anonymous - 03/10/2020 20:01

Today, I simultaneously learned that fracturing your penis is a thing that can happen while my wife fractured mine in the middle of some rough reverse cowgirl. My penis is now black and blue with an almost 90 degree bend, and to make it worse the ambulance guys thought it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 594

You deserved it 292

Normal, right?

By jj. - 15/01/2022 11:01

Today, my 9 year-old son told me that sometimes he gets stiff “down there.” I assured him that it’s perfectly normal, but then he added that it only happens when he hears his stomach growling. Um, what? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 184

You deserved it 174

The Pope thinks you're selfish

By Anonymous - 16/01/2022 23:01

Today, as part of my job, I had to watch a few 5 year-olds while their parents were busy with my manager. It only confirmed my choice to never have children, and yet my mother still insists I should have one, because once they exist and I love them, I’ll see how silly my choice to not have them is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 179

Alternative medicine is bull

By Anonymous - 13/10/2020 23:01

Today, when my neighbor came over to ask about a serious rash her child had, she totally passed by me, the EMT/firefighter, to ask the hippy pastry chef what she thought of it, and if she had oils to "cure" it. So much for my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 145

You deserved it 222

I wanna be oppressed so hard

By HatedAndFearedForExisting - 26/03/2023 16:00 - United States

Today, for the 50,000th time, I was told that something I said was offensive and triggering to my LGBTQ+-friendly Discord server mod, who frequently tells me that, as a "cis hetero Christian male", I don't know what I'm talking about. I was trying to be supportive of everyone, but I was wrong because *I* said it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 914

You deserved it 389

Feelings

By Anon - 19/10/2020 07:57 - United States

Today, my parents told me, after 30 years of marriage, that they are getting a divorce. I went to my boyfriend's apartment because I needed some comfort. While sobbing to him, he decided to dump me on the spot because my reaction to the news was "immature" and he wants an "adult" relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 769

You deserved it 385

Thanks for the support

By Anonymous - 25/01/2022 17:01 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, after being bodyshamed by my mother for being too fat (I'm a size 14) and how I shouldn't be wearing shorts because it makes me look ugly and motivates people to comment on my body, I texted my boyfriend to tell him about it. His reply was, "Aww. you cutie. You know she's not wrong." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 269

You deserved it 430

Kinda sus

By Heartbroken - 03/04/2023 16:00

Today, my husband is going to a business trip where his female coworker, the one he says to "not worry about", yet acts totally lovestruck about, will be too. I saw him pack a box of condoms. He said, “Oops! They’re actually for us, I didn’t mean to pack them.” Honey, we haven’t used condoms in years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 928

You deserved it 195

Fun fun fun

By Rachel - 27/10/2020 08:01 - United States

Today, I spent my entire day building various zoos in Zoo Tycoon, and then releasing all of the animals to see them chase people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 430

You deserved it 838

Love is in the air

By Rydia - 31/10/2020 05:01

Today, my fiancé hugged me so tight that I couldn't move, said he loved me, let out a loud, obnoxious and smelly fart cloud and made me breathe it in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 988

You deserved it 201

Debt

By Anonymous - 25/01/2022 05:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after weeks of asking, I was finally given my debit card back from my parents. They’ve spent over $1000 and now I’m scared to know how much I have left. There was no mention of a reimbursement either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 399

You deserved it 187

Repressed

By Anonymous - 21/04/2023 22:00

Today, my mother-in-law keeps making fun of how I've "never seen any cool movies." I grew up in severe social isolation/constant physical abuse, and have memory loss from age 13 and below as a result. I've seen them, I just can't remember them, but she refuses to believe it, so I'll never hear the end of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 082

You deserved it 107

Thrifty

By Viscerion - 24/04/2023 00:00 - Australia

Today, even though I recently started earning $75000 per year, my partner still got angry at me because I spent $10 online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 872

You deserved it 134

Shoe gang rise up

By Yasha cohen - 30/11/2020 11:01

Today, right after preparing a gourmet plate of dry-aged steak with freshly cooked mashed potatoes, I stepped on my son's Lego and dropped my plate. I stood there for 5 minutes, crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 047

You deserved it 444

Stop using this as an excuse

By Anonymous - 02/03/2022 22:00

Today, I had to tell my ex-husband I’m a lesbian. I’m not, he just keeps trying to win me back, but it worked, he now thinks there’s no chance for us. Unfortunately, he mentioned it to my mom, who “always suspected” and is now obsessively trying to set me up with every lesbian she knows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 729

You deserved it 1 677

Slow

By Anonymous - 19/02/2022 12:00

Today, after being friends with a guy, age 35, for a year, he asked if we could progress the relationship romantically. I'm keen but it's been a month, and the closest touching we have done is a hug. Slowest relationship ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 244

I'm worth it

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 23:01 - United States - Kalamazoo

Today, I realized after seeing my ex in his new relationship that he does everything for her that I always wanted him to do for me. Sucks not being worth it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 140

You deserved it 194

Passive aggressive

By Anonymous - 16/02/2022 10:00

Today, I cleaned our whole house. I wasn’t expecting praise, it was just the house needed cleaning so I did it. I also wasn’t expecting my girlfriend to get mad at me for “cleaning everything as a form of passive aggressively criticising her for her not having cleaned the house either.” What? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 262

You deserved it 125

Drunken antics

By Anonymous - 21/12/2020 14:01

Today, I found out that last night, when I drank a bit too much and blacked out, I freaked out about "losing my tampon in my vagina" and made my boyfriend fish through to look for it. I had already taken it out before then, and was too drunk to realize. He told me he almost called 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks 357

You deserved it 1 162

If you can't handle me at my worst…

By Anonymous - 01/05/2022 00:01

Today, my date got a cold before our date and accidentally took medicine that makes you drowsy before we went out. Two glasses of red later to calm her nerves, she yelled at a waiter, threw her shoe at the chef, then passed out on the table. I’m going to marry this girl, just you watch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 881

You deserved it 332

Bad hair day

By Kyrstin Budd - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I noticed a lady at work staring at me very intently. When she realized she had my attention, she made a sweeping gesture over her head and said, "Hair is like Trump!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 316

You deserved it 627

I want what I want

By cydia123 - 10/05/2019 06:00

Today, my boss threatened to fire me. Why? An old lady spent 30 minutes looking at our menu before asking for "cottage pie." After telling her that it wasn't an item on the menu, she spent another 20 minutes deciding. She then asked for several more items we didn't have, then complained to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 435

You deserved it 119

By Anonymous - 23/04/2017 14:00

Today, the main cause of my recent boost in anxiety is in fact the amount of debt that going to a therapist in the first place has put me in. I guess he did help me find the main cause of my emotional issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 000

You deserved it 443

By Talented73 - 25/04/2017 20:00

Today, while brushing my teeth, I applied the toothpaste to my toothbrush when a few bristles got caught on the lip of the tube and flung a glob of toothpaste into my eye. My eye is now bloodshot, but at least it's minty fresh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 150

You deserved it 408

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The Top

Today, my girlfriend sent me a link to a Vine video in which she dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 076

You deserved it 4 350

Today, I went on a blind date that my sister had set up. When I arrived at the coffeeshop, I approached a man waiting by the counter, asking if his name was Tim (my date's name). He looked at me and said no and then left with a drink clearly labeled "Tim" in bold letters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 862

You deserved it 4 457

Today, I woke up in a military hospital, after having all four wisdom teeth out yesterday. A nurse came in with a breakfast trolley full of eggs and bacon, looks at my pleading face, looks at her clipboard and says, "Only non-solid foods for you, private." FML

I agree, your life sucks 933

You deserved it 165

Today, I stayed at my mate's house over the weekend, but his mother threw me out, saying I’m was taking advantage of her hospitality. First, it’s her son's house, so it’s not even her hospitality, but also I was helping redecorate the whole house for free, so how was I taking advantage? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 148

You deserved it 106

Today, my fling with a local waiter ended. I'm studying for a professional designation exam, I make $130k/year, and I have a lake house in the mountains. He smokes pot in his mom's basement, has been arrested for stealing, has totaled 3 cars, and would rather collect unemployment than work. He dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 629

You deserved it 2 606

Today, I had a conference call with a client. I was feeling confident and had been preparing all morning. Right in the middle of my presentation, I hit the wrong button, and my webcam feed turned into a close-up of my face, which had a giant zit right in the middle of my forehead. The client didn’t say anything, but I could see their eyes glued to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 207