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Thanks, I hate it!

By dudezilla - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got a text message from a number I didn't know telling me, "Fine. It's over, have a wonderful life." I've never had a girlfriend and now I get broken up with by girls I don't even know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 880

You deserved it 3 958

By Anonymous - 02/04/2012 02:25 - United States - Binghamton

Today, while mowing the lawn, I ran over a hornet's nest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 963

You deserved it 3 444

By moms a baby - 31/03/2014 02:44 - United States - Loma Linda

Today, my mom stopped playing badminton with me because she claimed I was too aggressive. Apparently winning, playing by the rules, and smashing is considered aggressive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 418

You deserved it 8 120

No stupid questions

By Anonymous - 09/03/2013 01:11 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, my boyfriend's daughter asked me what would happen if she chose to stop urinating for two weeks. She wanted to know whether it would kill her or just start coming out of her mouth. She's 17 years-old, and was deadly serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 410

You deserved it 3 302

Name and shame

By Anonymous - 01/03/2015 18:59 - United Kingdom - Wetheringsett

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for another girl, via a text message ending with "No hard feelings. Well xcept 4 my cock obvs. ;)" Fuck you, Rick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 522

You deserved it 3 228

By pissedandcomputerless - 07/11/2013 18:42 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I failed on a school presentation because I was not prepared. Apparently, the fact that my computer crapped itself and started giving off smoke last period isn't a good reason for not having my presentation prepared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 055

You deserved it 8 695

By Sostupid - 24/01/2011 03:41 - Canada

Today, I had a panic attack because I was constipated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 515

You deserved it 8 804

By Anonymous - 20/09/2013 21:00 - Hungary - Szeged

Today, my girlfriend came over to visit me and my brother at our apartment. I left for just five minutes to fix us lunch. When I got back, she was making out with my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 863

You deserved it 3 996

By and he wonders why I'm anxious - 25/02/2016 22:41 - Netherlands

Today, after years of torment by my anxiety disorders and therapy and medication not helping, I've made the decision to try hypnosis. After doing a Google search and finding out my therapist is a man, my overly jealous fiancé insisted on joining, "because he might hypnotise you into cheating." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 220

You deserved it 2 390

By Anonymous - 23/12/2015 03:19 - United States - Roanoke

Spicy

Today, I walked in on the 13 year-old boy I babysit masturbating while sniffing my jacket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 398

You deserved it 2 544

By Anonymous - 23/11/2009 09:54 - United States

Today, I went onto the treadmill at my gym. When it prompted me to enter my age I put 27. I'm 29 and am lying about my age to a workout machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 739

You deserved it 38 844

By Jillian Drute - 16/08/2011 04:54 - United States

Today, my mom showed up completely hammered to a party I was throwing. The party was to celebrate the ten years that I've been sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 390

You deserved it 2 897

By Anonymous - 01/04/2009 05:13 - United States

Today, as an April fools day joke, I decided to tell my mom and dad that I was gay. After an awkward silence, my mom looks at me, smiles, and says, "well, we have known for a while." She wasn't joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 934

You deserved it 63 134

By cocacola999 - 03/05/2014 10:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a party. Trying to overcome my social anxiety, I was trying to take part in conversations. So, when a girl mentioned she had a doctor's appointment next morning, I blurted out: "What kind of a doctor?" Everyone stared as she responded: "A gynaecologist." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 770

You deserved it 7 814

By athletiks - 26/03/2014 22:39 - United States - Pullman

Today, someone on Instagram posted a picture of himself with gym lifting straps around his neck. I commented "autoerotic asphyxiation" and now a 250-pound bodybuilder wants to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 007

You deserved it 40 680

By Anonymous - 25/09/2009 22:53 - Canada

Today, I went our school's football game against their rival team. Before the games started, I got my school's logo painted on my face. After nearly 5 hours of watching the game, I went home to wash the paint off my face, only to find the logo had been sunburned onto my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 317

You deserved it 35 441

Oi! Get back here!

By magicman - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, while buying groceries, I noticed that the lady in front of me had left a box behind. I grabbed the box and ran out the door after her. After turning around to find three employees chasing me, I noticed I had just stolen the donation box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 890

You deserved it 17 718

By levi Glasscock - 15/04/2011 13:52 - United States

Today, my mom called me and said, "I made your sister laugh so hard she peed her pants." I got home and noticed she also peed on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 157

You deserved it 2 985

By Anonymous - 08/03/2011 23:23 - United States

Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 884

You deserved it 4 910

By bitch i'm a gerontophile - 29/11/2012 18:08 - Taiwan

Today, while working at my local supermarket, I found a boy lost and wandering about, so I took him to the front desk. My reward from his mother was a slap around the face and harsh words for supposedly having kidnapped him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 186

You deserved it 1 870

Protip

By Pokemon problems - 23/10/2012 22:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I babysat a 10-year-old and we played Pokémon. It was my first time playing, so he showed me. I ended up winning and the kid started crying and told his parents he hated me. They decided not to pay me for the night, and now I'm out of a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 561

You deserved it 4 825

Management

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had an hour-long meeting with my manager where she informed me the reason I had not been promoted is because she felt that people would not like to work for me, because I would, "make them do their job." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 954

You deserved it 2 132

Thanks Steve-O

By Anonymous - 30/07/2014 08:21 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I spent six hours at the ER. Why? My husband dared our seventeen-year-old son to recreate a 'Jackass' trolley-hedge diving stunt at the local supermarket. What wasn't on my groceries list was a broken arm, fractured wrist, whiplash and cuts and bruises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 537

You deserved it 5 138

By Anonymous - 30/09/2015 10:18 - United Kingdom - Southam

Today, I got called a "politically correct loser" by a woman at the supermarket, all because I said I didn't want to find out the gender of my baby until birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 289

You deserved it 2 130

By blonde - 29/09/2010 07:08 - Australia

Today, I saw a crash on the highway. The police weren't yet there, so I pulled over to help because I know CPR. No one needed CPR, but I had locked myself out of my car. My roadside assist won't come to highways, so I had to get towed away in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 931

You deserved it 6 574

By Anonymous - 10/06/2014 03:30 - United States - Crowley

Today, I found out that my boyfriend paid a guy to tell me he was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 112

You deserved it 6 263

By Anonymous - 11/04/2009 16:13 - United States

Today, my Dad called me to tell me that he had finally won the lottery and that I no longer had to worry about trying to find a way to pay for school. I was so excited I started crying. He then told me that he won $5 on a scratch off lotto ticket. He bought a sandwich. Funny dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 478

You deserved it 9 169

By Mommy - 26/06/2011 20:47 - United States

Today, I was driving when a guy in a truck swerved in front of me. I didn't realize I'd sworn until I'd come to a red light and my one year old daughter yelled her own version of what I said. She now yells "Chicken in the hole!" whenever the car comes to a stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 481

You deserved it 28 206

You tried, yay!

By Anonymous - 25/03/2013 06:03 - Australia - Wantirna

Today, I was late to a lecture when I tripped up the stairs. With a few hundred people already staring and laughing at me, I started to curtsy to my "adoring fans" but instead fell backwards down the massive flight of stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 159

You deserved it 12 701

By acidonymous - 09/07/2015 04:32 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I was at work at a supermarket straightening shelves in the food aisles. Just as I had finished and got ready to clock out, I heard a giant crash. A lady in a motor scooter knocked over an entire aisle of canned goods. She got up and walked away just fine, pretending nothing happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 855

You deserved it 1 808

acidonymous tells us more.

acidonymous 10

Thursday 9 July 2015 19:49

this is literally my first FML ever made, let alone published!!! This was really surprising to wake up to. But to elaborate a little bit more, yes i did have to stay and clean it up, but i did get paid to do it. The lady in the motor scooter did not make any purchases and walked out of the store right after it happened (walking perfectly fine), probably to avoid conflict. So no one got the chance to talk to her. luckily i had no immediate plans after work other than sleep!

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Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, my cat did the same thing as in the video where a cat lights its tail on fire with a candle and just watches it nonchalantly until it stops burning… Except, instead of watching nonchalantly, he bolted all over the house while screaming his head off. Trying to extinguish him was a nightmare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 248

You deserved it 420

Today, I had my first job interview. The manager asks me to sell him his pen. Thinking I'm all smart, I reenact the scene from the Wolf of Wall Street and say, 'Write down your name'. He calmly reaches into his drawer, takes out another pen and writes his name down. He then looks at me and laughs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 731

You deserved it 9 139

Today, I was working the night shift at the hotel. One of my tasks is to clean out the pool robot. While trying to pull it up, I got pulled in. I had to hide naked in the laundry room for an hour while I put my uniform through the dryer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 633

You deserved it 4 285

Today, breastfeeding my infant has become so automatic that when my dog nuzzled up against me while I was sleeping, I lifted up my shirt and unhooked my nursing bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 000

You deserved it 387

Today, my new office mate offered to let me smell her deodorant. This was after clipping her nails, before pulling out her needle point project, and while complaining how overworked she is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 890

You deserved it 98

Today, while I was sitting on the toilet, my toddler swung the door open. We just bought the house, and we have no curtains. Our new neighbor, who I haven't met, was mowing her yard. I stood half-naked to close the door, and our eyes met. I froze. She waved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 047

You deserved it 2 608