The Top

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So sweet

By Aislinn - 12/02/2022 12:01

Today, my one year-old took his diaper off and peed on my chest while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 924

You deserved it 197

About last night…

By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 20:08

Today, I woke up on the couch in front of the television covered with a blanket. Last night, I'd come home pissed from the pub, fired up porn, got my pants off and settled down for a wank. However, this morning the telly was off, my trousers were on, and I don't remember a blanket. I live with my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 283

You deserved it 2 072

They all look the same to me

By Anonymous - 29/09/2024 00:00 - United States

Today, I picked up my daughter from daycare. As we were getting into the car, I strapped her into the car seat, but something felt off. I looked back and realized I had picked up the wrong kid. In my defense, she was wearing the same jacket as my daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 139

You deserved it 613

Connecting people

By sam - 02/12/2020 23:01

Today, I learned that the person my ex-girlfriend left me for is my ex-girlfriend from before her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 957

You deserved it 144

The eternal argument

By Annoyed atheist - 07/05/2023 08:00 - United States

Today, I was watching the episode of New Amsterdam where a man's cancer goes into remission very abruptly. As the doctors wonder how the hell that's possible, my mom says, "God." Okay. So if this "God" controls what happens to your body, why is cancer still a thing? My mom is no longer religious. She's delusional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 682

You deserved it 304

What a coinkydink

By Anonymous - 06/12/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his best friend. Who just so happened to be the guy who made my high school years a living hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 129

You deserved it 87

Prove it

By Anonymous - 12/05/2023 15:00

Today, my workplace demanded a doctor's note to prove that I can’t stand for long periods, and would benefit from a desk job. I guess my above-the-knee amputation and spinal surgery scars don’t count as evidence, but a piece of paper from a doctor is just fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 988

You deserved it 130

Gold digger

By Anonymous - 25/05/2023 21:00 - United States - Moscow

Today, I asked my boyfriend to help me with groceries, since the last of my money went to last week's groceries. His response was to start a fight, then tell me it's my fault my daughter acts the way she does, which is when he finally got me to break down and cry. I'm pregnant with his kid, and I also pay 90% of our bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 017

You deserved it 1 005

Heartless

By Zerofilter - 18/02/2022 18:01

Today, my coworker said her dog died. Without thinking, I tried to cheer her up and said, “Oh man, that’s rough. Get it? Ruff? Ruff ruff!” and giggled like a schoolgirl. Nobody laughed. My coworker burst into more tears. I have a Teams video meeting with my supervisor and HR this afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 224

You deserved it 2 201

Classic brainworms

By Anonymous - 22/10/2024 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was talking to someone on the phone, and then I panicked because I couldn't find it, searching for it while speaking on the phone, asking them to call it. It wasn't until they started laughing did I realise that it was up against my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 135

You deserved it 459

The new economy

By Anonymous - 22/12/2020 19:58 - Germany

Today, I have so little faith in my future earning potential that I keep my clipped toe and fingernails as a nest egg. I heard that some weirdos on the internet actually pay money for those. FML

I agree, your life sucks 729

You deserved it 991

Teenage zealot

By Anonymous - 29/05/2023 15:00

Today, my daughter was complaining about having no friends. My son told her it’s her own fault for attending church 3 times a week and trying to convert everyone at school like a Jehovah's witness who you can’t shut the door on. He’s 100% right but now she won’t stop crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 913

You deserved it 355

Anyone would've ran

By Mike - 25/02/2022 15:59

Today, my friend is mad at me because last night at the midnight show, I “left him there” when he was drunk and thought it would be funny to take a dump in the theater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 901

You deserved it 104

Girls will be girls

By Anonymous - 13/01/2021 08:01 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She had her whole hand in me kind of deep. It was hitting everything inside me and triggered me to poop a little bit, on her arm and the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 997

You deserved it 774

Cart Narcs will get ya!

By May - 10/01/2021 20:01

Today, my dad forced me to leave my empty shopping cart in the middle of a store, rather than return it to the corral. My dad’s word is law, and all I can think about is how much of an asshole I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 892

You deserved it 274

You old fool

By Anonymous - 15/01/2021 17:01 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, after repeatedly telling my partner's family that our daughter is allergic to peanuts, his grandfather decided to feed her one, to "see if she really is allergic." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 308

You deserved it 76

Genius mode

By Dumbass Dude - 24/05/2019 14:10

Today, I pulled into a parking lot, for the car to simply shut off because I ran out of gas. Then I couldn't get the key out of the ignition, so I called my dad, who walked all the way to where I was, only to find out that the car was still in drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 2 201

Nostalgia

By Alex - 14/04/2022 12:00

Today, I got a Facebook friend request from an ex-schoolmate from my high school. He was the same piece of shit who used to bully me at the time. He's now a psychologist. I guess my life was meant to be bollocks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 869

You deserved it 154

Gun culture is fascinating

By Gun safety - 21/12/2024 18:00 - United States - New York

Today, my 14 year-old son asked to join my buddies and me at the gun range. The second I finished the safety lecture and handed him a pistol, he started twirling it on his finger (thankfully, it was unloaded). I smacked him in the head and took him home. Now he's moping and sulking like a bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 710

You deserved it 253

But I need it!

By InDebted - 02/05/2022 02:00 - United States - Kula

Today, my jobless husband wants to buy the latest iPhone. His current phone is in good condition, except that he has a 1000 apps on it slowing it down. We're also in deeply crushing debt from all his bad financial decisions from his severely loss-making business. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 192

You deserved it 189

Wild night, huh?

By Anonymous - 06/06/2019 22:00

Today, I had a party at my house. I have a nice laptop that I hook up to the stereo, but someone almost spilt beer on it, so I took it downstairs. Later on in the night, I went down to look something up on it. Someone had taken a shit on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 961

You deserved it 421

Doggy dog world

By Anonymous - 15/02/2021 21:30

Today, someone let my puppy escape. I didn't know, until I arrived home and hit him with my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 359

You deserved it 111

Pace yourself

By Anonymous - 20/02/2021 11:01

Today, for my 18th birthday, I went out to a club with my mate and I drank so much I ended up breaking my nose. I was there for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 302

You deserved it 1 151

By Emmz91 - 17/06/2019 23:03

Today, I tried keeping a surprise secret from my fiance. Turns out, under the influence of my sleeping tablets, which after I take them, I forget everything I've said, I spilled the beans. So much for the surprise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 634

You deserved it 306

Cats with jobs

By Where's Jerry the mouse when you want him - 17/04/2022 16:00

Today, our baby cries constantly, except for when our grumpy old feral tom cat comes over to lay beside her, lick her head and so on. This bastard cat is the most ornery sumbitch I've ever met and bites worse than a bear trap, yet he's a better dad than I am. Plus, he looks so damn smug while he's doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 927

You deserved it 269

Opportunist

By Tmo - 12/08/2023 08:00

Today, I saw a toddler bolt in a parking lot. Since he was running towards the road behind me, I scooped him up to hand off to his mother. She shrieked, snatched him from my hands, and sprayed me with mace. While I was writhing in pain, some punk kid lifted my wallet and phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 298

You deserved it 131

Facebook's moderation sucks

By Anonymous - 06/03/2021 07:01 - United States - Afton

Today, I got put in Facebook jail for telling a guy fat shaming a girl he was a "s*x*st b*st*rd." Immediately after, FB informed me that a person I reported for threats didn't violate community standards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 833

You deserved it 353

Too passionate for me

By Mutton - 08/03/2021 17:01

Today, during one of my wife’s very infrequent amorous moments, she headbutted me and split one of my front teeth in half. I now have two teeth where there used to be one, and I can see the exposed nerve in the crack. Yes, it’s as excruciating as it sounds FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 453

You deserved it 115

A rock and a hard place

By Anonymous - 27/01/2025 06:00 - United States - Orange Park

Today, I’ve been having an affair with my cousin’s husband for the last 16 years. For 3-ish months, when my husband gets drunk, he accuses us of cheating & threatens to tell everyone. Sober, he remembers nothing. We are constantly worried he will tell but are too in love to end it. Both in bad marriages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 1 913

Always check for ****

By Anistoncole - 13/03/2021 20:01

Today, I was showing why we picked the colour in our posters and ads for my department. I used a video to explain; I hadn't watched the full video. I skipped to halfway through and there was a picture of a naked woman with starfish on her tits. Everyone kinda went silent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 273

You deserved it 1 314

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The Top

Today, a guy called customer support, claiming his internet wasn't working. I asked for his customer details, and he gave his name as Mike Hunt. I recognized the old joke, called him an idiot, and hung up on him. It turned out that was his real name. I'm now on suspension. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 814

You deserved it 36 376

Today, I was talking to my grandmother, who was lying down on the couch under a blanket watching TV. As I was leaving, I said "See you later Nana," and patted her on the shoulder. Her shoulder was soft, and moved more than I expected. It was her boob. I felt up my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 738

You deserved it 12 924

Today, I went to the orthodontist. No biggie, of course. I know the drill, so I didn’t think twice before letting the doctor stick his gloved hands into my mouth. His warm, wet, gloved hands. What the fuck??? FML

I agree, your life sucks 332

You deserved it 71

Today, my girlfriend called me four times in a row at work. Worried, I stepped outside and answered the phone. Through tears, she screamed, "It's the cat!" Was he sick or hurt? "NO! He won't stop meowing!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 676

You deserved it 140

Today, I joined my crush for their workout class. I didn’t realize it was an advanced class. Ten minutes in, I was gasping for air, bright red, and drenched in sweat. The instructor had to stop and ask if I needed a paramedic. My crush offered me a cup of water along with a look of deep concern. FML

I agree, your life sucks 167

You deserved it 444

Today, the seemingly normal guy I've been dating for a while told me he is a wolf spirit in a human body to bridge the gap of his ancestors and humans. What?! FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 442

You deserved it 191