The Top

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Stuck in the middle

By Mark - 20/03/2017 08:00 - United States - Sparks

Today, while I was vacuuming, my cat got scared and tripped me. I landed on the vacuum handle between my legs. Not walking too well right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 722

You deserved it 573

By No Nip - 25/04/2019 12:00

Today, I was making breakfast with my parrot on my shoulder. He was excited about the food, and in his rush to climb down to the counter, bit through my nipple. I had to get stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 999

You deserved it 487

Smash the patriarchy

By Anonymous - 19/04/2022 06:00

Today, my boyfriend started avoiding going down on me ever since he found an ingrowing hair down there. The only reason I have an ingrowing hair is because he didn’t like my pubes, and stopped having sex with me at all until I shaved it off, thus causing the ingrowing hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 401

You deserved it 376

By Anonymous - 04/04/2017 09:07

Today, coming home after a hard day's work was so relaxing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 789

You deserved it 494

Don't ask questions if you might not like the answer

By Anonymous - 15/06/2023 00:02

Today, I "hacked" my girlfriend's phone and found out she's been cheating on me for the last 6 months. She's pissed at me because I hacked her phone and invaded her privacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 872

You deserved it 442

Repent!

By Mauro - 22/03/2022 16:00

Today, I told my ultra-Catholic mother that I was hanging out with a girl. While walking out of the flat, I didn't realize that I'd dropped one of my condoms out of my pocket. My mother saw it and ripped it apart, then yelled at me that, "Sex is for having children! You're giving yourselves to Satan!" I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 316

You deserved it 354

Reported and blocked

By Stop playing the victim - 17/11/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, my longtime crush, who turned me down because he’s “sick of women”, just got into a relationship. He made it Facebook official, with photos of them and everything. Wanting to even the score, I commented, “So it seems your sickness of women is cured, huh?” He bitched at me for “ruining his moment” and deleted me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 1 189

By Anonymous - 12/05/2019 02:00

Today, after weeks of being hounded to go out on a date with this guy, I finally found the time and invited him over, fully intending to hook up. He stood me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 798

You deserved it 483

Dominance

By Anonymous - 24/06/2023 00:02

Today, I have accepted that if I try to spend time with my girlfriend, she will come up with any excuse to avoid me, but when I want to do something by myself, she will be at my elbow every ten seconds, loudly whining that she wants to spend time together and that I'm mean. Talking has yet to fix anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 885

You deserved it 215

Asshats can be fathers too

By NotInTheMood - 14/03/2022 14:00

Today, my husband wants to leave me because I’m “taking too long” to recover from my C-section and he’s “tired of jerking off.” His logic is that he recovered in 6 weeks after he got 12 stitches on his leg, and, “I’ll be fine.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 540

You deserved it 176

Waterfall

By Sonotsuave - 17/05/2019 01:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, I rushed home after my mom called saying our upstairs had flooded. Apparently, my little brother somehow broke the toilet while unsupervised and water overflowed everywhere. It even reached my closet, shoes, and books, and everything touching my floor in my room is now wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 845

You deserved it 148

That one hot friend

By Stillicide - 18/03/2022 17:00 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I found out the guy I’m in love with has been side-messaging one of my closest friends about hooking up for sex. This isn’t the first guy this has happened with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 270

You deserved it 216

Cravings

By Anonymous - 22/05/2019 02:04

Today, it's been so long since my wife has been interested in me intimately, I became aroused when a woman touched my arm while talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 451

You deserved it 249

By Danielle22291 - 29/04/2017 17:27 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, as a waitress at Denny's, I had a 25 top table. Only 3 of them spoke English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 914

You deserved it 480

TMI mom!

By Anonymous - 13/04/2022 16:00

Today, my drunk mom informed me that out of all my potential brothers and sisters she’s swallowed over the years she’s "glad" I’m the one she "accidentally drooled onto her crotch, swam up her fanny and invaded" her "virgin egg." This kind of shit is why I moved out at 16 and still have a therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 599

You deserved it 158

By Anonymous - 16/05/2017 20:00

Today, I accidentally superglued my hand to my grandmother's ornate fan while trying to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 460

You deserved it 832

Driven to drink

By Anonymous - 23/07/2023 15:00

Today, I caught my boyfriend trying to dispose of several empty alcohol bottles, leading to a discussion how dating me and putting up with my insanity has given him a drinking problem just so he can get through the day. Me catching him seemed to be the wake up call he needed, because he dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 362

You deserved it 918

Surprise!

By BAMashleyx3 - 06/06/2019 06:07

Today, my dad texted me while I was in the dentist's chair getting my teeth cleaned. The dental hygienist jumped at the notification sound my phone made and split my gum open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 916

You deserved it 680

What did I do?

By Anonymous - 29/07/2023 08:02 - Australia - Sydney

Today, like every other day, my older sister hates me, and I have no idea why. She refuses to speak to me and has never provided me with a reason why. She gets along great with my younger sister though and I get to see them having fun together in Facebook posts all the time. I'm heartbroken and she doesn't care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 913

You deserved it 127

I can't deal with confrontation

By Anonymous - 11/04/2022 06:00

Today, my son is so pathetic that when a tiny, unarmed 5-foot tall female thief robbed our store, he didn’t grab the baseball bat, he didn’t slam the anti-theft door on the counter closed, he didn’t even press the big alarm button, he just started crying, put his hands up, and let her empty the till. FML

I agree, your life sucks 619

You deserved it 1 325

Let down

By Anonymous - 05/05/2022 06:00

Today, after an ex let me know I have a 19 year old-son. I was beyond excited so I spent the weekend with them and I can tell you now, the boy is a complete prick, and I prefer to continue to claim I’m childless rather than admit I fathered that arrogant, rude, selfish, entitled little shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 516

You deserved it 627

Needs improvment

By AUsefulMess - 13/08/2023 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. It isn’t acrimonious, no-one cheated, but his life will apparently “improve immeasurably” now, while mine will basically crash. I’ve spent the past 5 years working on improving as a person for him, and I thought I’d succeeded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 594

You deserved it 285

Real housewives

By restraining orders are just paper - 20/03/2021 23:00

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. The constant harassment, threats and stalking by my ex-wife have finally driven her away. This is the third time this has happened. My ex physically beat the other two up, and now she’s scared away the one I wanted to marry. The courts have done nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 942

You deserved it 146

Hang ups

By at least put on sexy underwear - 01/09/2023 20:00

Today, my girlfriend complained that we never have sex anymore. The only way she ever wants sex is missionary, with barely any foreplay. When I asked if we could spice things up and mentioned a few simple ideas, she said the conversation was making her uncomfortable and changed the subject. FML

I agree, your life sucks 651

You deserved it 136

Wish you were here

By Pooped - 12/05/2022 18:00

Today, I found out my coworker faked having COVID so she could go on vacation. I guess she forgot that we follow each other on Instagram. I saw all her pictures of her drinking and at the beach enjoying herself. I’ve been doing the bulk of her work and staying overtime. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 124

You deserved it 123

Life imitates art

By Anonymous - 31/03/2021 14:29 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, it's now the 10th girl who has gone out with me but ended up falling for one of my close friends, who she met through me. I starting to feel I am that guy in the movie "Good Luck Chuck". FML

I agree, your life sucks 939

You deserved it 86

What what, in the butt?

By Anonymous - 19/06/2022 02:00

Today, our stupid pediatrician gave an anal suppository for our toddler's consistent tummy ache. She is NEVER constipated and passes stools regularly twice a day. Guess who had to hold down a 3-year-old and put in the medicine - which did not help with the tummy ache. I can't live with myself now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 162

You deserved it 381

Creepy admission

By Anonymous - 06/10/2023 11:00 - United States - Coventry

Today, I found out that my cousin has an OnlyFans, and I subscribed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 161

You deserved it 914

Animal control

By possum oh possum - 02/05/2021 05:01 - United States

Today, I had a small get together in my backyard. My idiot sister got blackout drunk and found a stray cat. She was holding it and taking selfies, until her dumbass realized she’d actually picked up a possum. She panicked and dropped it. Now it’s loose somewhere in my house and I can’t find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 294

You deserved it 143

The growth

By Deenadd - 19/10/2023 07:00 - United States - Seattle

Today, I discovered an open wound right above my penis. I can’t put a Bandaid on it because the hair down there repels it. There’s something repulsive about seeing something like that on your own body, especially when you just want to jerk off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 363

You deserved it 325

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The Top

Today, I was sitting at a bus stop and a guy stops in front of me and says "Oh very nice. How much?" I reply "You couldn't afford me." An old guy sitting next to me says "I bet I could" and puts his hand on my leg. I forfeited the bus and walked home in the rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 311

You deserved it 26 061

Today, my dandruff issue is so awful that even my eyebrows have dandruff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 382

You deserved it 7 869

Today, I lost a bet with my girlfriend. I now have to wear a shirt saying "Worlds Smallest Penis" everywhere I go for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 581

You deserved it 67 218

Today, I'm a ticket inspector on a train. A suspiciously-acting guy of about 30 gets on board with two huge bags. Worried, I keep an eye on him. I wasn't disappointed when he got 5 furry toys out of his bags and started to have a conversation with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 505

You deserved it 49

Today, my alcoholic mother decided to finally check herself into rehab. She did it while drunk, and flirted with the front attendant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 301

You deserved it 2 353

Today, I arrived at my apartment to find the door kicked in. Inside, I found my TV, Xbox, stereo, CDs, and laptop had all been stolen. When my roommate got home, I told him about it, to which he replied, "Yeah, I left my keys inside this morning, so I kicked the door in to get them." He'd left, leaving the door kicked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 483

You deserved it 2 567