The Top

OP here, I freaked out the first few minutes and was like " DAD THERE IS A ******* BUG IN MY EAR WHAT DO I DO?!?! " and kept trying to dig it out. So I googled " what to do when a bug falls into you ear. " top suggestion was to not stick anything ( like fingers ) in there to get it out because you could push it further in and to get some grass so the bug can climb onto something it knows to escape. So thats what I did. If I had of kept looking there were probably easier ways but at the time I was worried it would go deeper or something. It is the grossest, weirdest sounding and feeling I have ever experienced. Especially since whatever it was, it had wings and was trying to fly inside my damn ear. Banging ones head against a pillow while laying down doesnt help either, just made it make more noise. Thanks for all comments saying I was brave. Haha.

Shitty customers

By Rosie J. - 10/11/2016 02:45 - United States - Leawood

Today, I saw an older gentleman running through my store. I wasn't sure why he was running towards the front door until I looked at the floor and saw a poop trail behind him. The trail went from the front of the store all the way to the back of the store. Guess who had to get the mop and bucket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 427

You deserved it 588

Lost cause

By funny? - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Cupertino

Today, I had a big project due, but when I went to turn it in, I found out that I'd left it at home. The professor said I could turn it in tomorrow for half credit. When I got home, I realized I'd actually had it in my other binder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 903

You deserved it 3 633

Disproportionate response

By notout - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, my 28-year-old brother screamed at me and outed me to our very religious, homophobic parents because I wouldn't let him shock his friend with an electric dog collar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 126

You deserved it 744

By Anonymous - 08/07/2016 22:09

Today, my boss reprimanded me for a huge screw-up that he was responsible for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 843

You deserved it 846

Nice, thanks

By rmonk - 06/07/2016 12:17 - United States - Carpentersville

Today, I was hanging out with a friend at an ice cream place, and a guy started chatting with us. As he eventually went to leave, he told me, "That's a nice looking date you got there." Then he turned to my friend. "Wish I could say the same to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 581

You deserved it 1 023

By Anonymous - 21/02/2018 14:00 - United Kingdom - Poole

Today, my mother started fostering a child to make some money. I wouldn't have a problem with this if she didn't make me babysit the kid and take him to and from school every day because she's "too busy". I work full-time and she's unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 284

You deserved it 510

The Haunting of FML House

By Tess - 18/03/2020 02:01 - United States - Burlington

Today, hidden deep in my husband's closet, I found a shrine dedicated to a woman named Felicity. After further investigation, I saw printouts of my husband's detailed fantasies of phone sex conversations with Felicity. Felicity was his first wife, and has been dead for nine years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 093

You deserved it 286

By Anonymous - 04/05/2018 15:00

Today, I got back to my car with a note cussing me out for parking in a disabled space when I’m clearly not disabled. They also smashed my windows. It’s true, I’m not disabled, but I also wasn’t parked in a disabled space. I was parked in a normal space next to the disabled spaces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 199

You deserved it 229

By Livingthedream - 12/08/2018 06:00

Today, I got home from a long day of work and saw a pile of dog puke on the kitchen floor. I went to get paper towels and found a pile of dog shit. With my foot. Both of my kids were home all day and left the piles for me to clean because "that's gross". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 973

You deserved it 475

By Scorned - 16/09/2018 06:00

Today, as things were getting hot with my girlfriend, it came up that I'm a virgin. She broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 911

You deserved it 354

By ashamed - 20/01/2016 19:00 - Germany

Today, I realized how much of a nutter my mother really is as she decided to write on a high visibility vest a "warning" that all foreigners, especially refugees, want to rape German women. She now wants to wear it each and every day in our hometown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 282

You deserved it 1 704

By Anonymous - 06/02/2017 21:00 - Canada - Jansen

Today, I was talking to a girl online and she stopped talking to me abruptly after seeing my picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 316

You deserved it 784

Subtle differences

By Betterthanthis - 25/11/2015 20:16 - United States - New Berlin

Today, when my boss said, "Don't worry, I know all the requirements," she actually meant, "I know nothing, and will scream at you in rage because you cannot psychically divine all the requirements the day before a major holiday when no one is available to talk to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 108

You deserved it 1 518

I didn't request this

By not a boy toy - 31/03/2017 22:00

Today, I attended the will reading of the old lady who accidentally ran me over with her car years ago. I was affectionately mentioned and was left with something rather substantial. I had to listen through all that while getting evil leers and silently judged by family members who got squat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 624

You deserved it 727

By kernelkat - 06/11/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, I found out the presentation I've been looking forward to and preparing for months only has three people registered to attend. I'll be talking to an empty room for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 748

You deserved it 2 682

Smells like…

By Anonymous - 03/11/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I was driving past men working on the side of the road. There was a lot of water pouring down the road and as I slowed down to drive through it, a car sped past me, splashing my entire car. It was only then I realized it was a septic tank leak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 743

You deserved it 2 613

Stay safe in there

By herestowaiting - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Detroit

Today, I'm officially a week overdue. I went to the hospital, thinking I was in labor since I was in so much pain. Turns out it was just gas. The nurse couldn't hold back her look of pity as she told me this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 141

You deserved it 1 263

By Anonymous - 23/01/2018 15:00

Today, my husband has had a low sex drive for a while now. I've been trying all sorts of things to pique his desire. Turns out that a conversation about Neil deGrasse Tyson was all I ever needed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 615

You deserved it 575

Lucky

By mislabelled mother - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, I got my first tattoo. I didn't realise that the font I chose uses a fancy capital L that can easily be mistaken for a capital F. It looks like I have "I'm A Good Fuck Charm" tattooed on my wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 992

You deserved it 6 256

By Anonymous - 18/04/2018 15:00

Today, after spending 12 hours desperately searching everywhere I could think of, I'm forced to admit I left my wedding ring in the bathroom of the hotel suite we just spent our honeymoon in, on the literal other side of the planet. I am a dead man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 282

You deserved it 1 404

By Biggest Jerk - 14/02/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my driver's ed class, and I woke up in a middle of a dream laughing. Everyone stared at me. I found out that the teacher had just finished talking about his vegetative niece who didn't wear a seat belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 824

You deserved it 38 531

By Why Charlie!? WHY!? - 09/08/2018 13:00

Today, I woke up seeing my neighbor's 5-year-old daughter next to me. She said good morning and handed me a note from her dad saying that I owe him and he's cashing in. So, I'm babysitting as her parents escape to the Bahamas for 2 weeks. My annual 2 weeks vacation starts today too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 563

You deserved it 400

By Old? - 14/01/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, a student of mine used the phrase "well, you know, like back in your day" about defining "going out". I'm only 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 745

You deserved it 2 270

By kill me - 30/09/2018 03:00

Today, my dad overheard me and my girlfriend having a very personal conversation. His response was to burst into the room and ground me for a month for failing to get her to orgasm the last 3 times we had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 946

You deserved it 2 447

Hott

By disturbedgd - 03/04/2017 20:00 - South Africa - Durban

Today, I had my first steamy wet dream. It involved the Power Rangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 195

You deserved it 1 117

By booboo300 - 29/04/2019 00:00

Today, I was supposed to have sex with my ex after he’d been out of town for a week. After a lot of build up and sexting last night, I woke up sick and he hurt his leg. It’s like our bodies are telling us not to sleep together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 895

You deserved it 2 455

Dude, get the message

By Just keep the pins - 25/12/2016 17:50 - Sweden - Floda

Today, it's been two months since I broke up with my boyfriend. He's been texting me every time he found a bobby pin at his house that belonged to me, saying we should both see it as a sign of us belonging together. If he keeps this up every time he finds one, the texts will probably never stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 108

You deserved it 888

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, I tried to prank my girlfriend. I said, “I saw you kissing another guy!” She apologized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 412

You deserved it 720

Today, I got a call from my parents that they have decided to get a divorce. My brothers and I just shelled out $5,000 each and spent months planning their 50th Anniversary party that was supposed to be next month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 245

You deserved it 3 210

Today, my grandmother decided to tell me about her past as a prostitute. In full detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 597

You deserved it 2 735

Today, I started chemo. My immune system is so bad, it keeps attacking organs throughout my body. I just got a job I love that pays well and has insurance for once, but I’m not sure I can keep working to pay for it, due to chemo side-effects and risky conditions of the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 529

You deserved it 76

Today, it's difficult being a single woman in my city: The female/male ratio is 3:1, and the last 3 dates I've been on were with a guy who kept asking for nudes, an aggressive raging alcoholic, and what turned out to be a married man. I'm seriously considering adopting several more cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 006

You deserved it 1 061

Today, I found out the bed I sleep in is the bed I was conceived in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 431

You deserved it 3 723