Intimacy Typical

Typical

Anonymous - 16/05/2013 20:54 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I attended a cooking class with my co-workers. As the chef prepared to cut up a load of onions for his dish, he warned us to be ready for the "typical reactions". Everyone teared up. Meanwhile, I popped a boner. So much for typical. FML

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The rhythm of the fight
Discover all the best anecdotes from the month of January, with or without snow, with or without you. …

Chop chop

shaz - 27/04/2023 10:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend by cooking dinner. As I was chopping onions, I cut my finger and started bleeding everywhere. She walked in, saw the blood on the onions, and almost passed out. FML

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Kitchen Nightmares

just the tip, though - 28/01/2014 17:06 - United States - Grovetown

Today, at work teaching a cooking class, one of the kids asked if they could use a knife to help me chop vegetables. I said no, because it was very sharp and only staff members are allowed to use them. Just as I said that, the knife sliced through the tip of my thumb. FML

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Roasted

wordmalfunction - 25/05/2009 21:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I was preparing a dinner for some business associates, in hopes of closing the deal on a promotion. I emailed them with the menu, in case there were any allergies. Hours later, I checked the email again to find that instead of serving Roast Duck I would be serving Roast Fuck. FML

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xoragebaby - 24/01/2015 01:29 - United States

Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML

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Anonymous - 03/08/2009 18:33 - United States

Today, I was handling corrosive chemicals when I accidentally spilled a beaker of Hydrochloric Acid on myself. I had to strip naked and use the emergency shower with my boss and my hot coworker watching. The worst part was when I realized my coworker was laughing at the size of my penis. FML

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We'll just order out

Lili - 22/03/2025 09:00 - United States - Akron

Today, I cooked dinner for my boyfriend, hoping to impress him with my culinary skills. I burnt the garlic bread, overcooked the chicken, and managed to set off the smoke alarm three times. When I finally served the meal, my boyfriend said, "It's like a sad buffet at a middle school prom." FML

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pootythe5th - 30/08/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I was at my favorite Mexican restaurant when I realized my really cute waiter, along with his buddies kept looking at me and smiling. Trying to be cool, I took a bite of my burrito, choked, and spilled ground beef down my new shirt and in my bra. They laughed the whole time. FML

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anonymous - 16/02/2010 01:25 - United States

Today, I was really excited to be observing my first autopsy for my forensics class. Apparently so was the guy behind me. He barfed up ramen noodles all over my hair and back. I couldn't leave the room to clean up. For two hours. FML

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Childish doofus

-__- - 26/12/2015 13:41

Today, I showed my husband a recipe for the meal I wanted us to make tonight. He saw cumin was an ingredient and broke into hysterics. By the time he managed to stop laughing, he gasped that he couldn't eat something "with cumin it" and broke down laughing again. FML

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bill219 - 07/12/2012 22:40 - United States - Dallas

Today, I was at the breakfast table when my sister started eating a banana. Before I knew what was happening, I'd somehow popped a boner. I had to wait for her to leave before I could stand up. FML

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MsConfusedd 27

Friday 17 May 2013 1:12

It must be awkward cooking with family at holiday time.

yetanotherginger 19

Friday 17 May 2013 1:13

As long as it isn't typical that you are aroused by people tearing up, I think you'll live

euphoricness 28

Friday 17 May 2013 1:21

It looks like you'll be whipping up some sausage! And some broiled eggs...

olpally 32

Friday 17 May 2013 1:23

Chef Ramsay to op, "**** off" lol. Literally.

theknozzle 14

Friday 17 May 2013 1:25

George Costanza? Is that you?

Enslaved 36

Friday 17 May 2013 1:30

What guy wouldn't get turned on by seeing a bunch of girls with runny mascara?

Kylienne 5

Friday 17 May 2013 1:31

I hope you were wearing jeans.

thatnucca 36

Friday 17 May 2013 1:42

Onions huh? Better avoid the melon cutting class then...

cycle227 3

Friday 17 May 2013 1:43

I've just added this FML to my favorites :)

rosenkrieger223 21

Friday 17 May 2013 2:45

Me too. haha

TheBrochure 22

Friday 17 May 2013 2:50

Me three! Now I can fantasize about OP's unfortunate situation without having to search further and further each day!

sugarshane007 20

Friday 17 May 2013 1:50

Somebody was certainly happy to see the onion.

Protagonist_ 9

Friday 17 May 2013 1:59

Perhaps you're into people crying, welp look on the bright side at least there are stranger fetishes out there....

groovycrazyjoe 18

Friday 17 May 2013 2:09

your penis trying to be hard knowing it want to cry

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, I found out while skiing that my dad likes to call me Pimple because I have a pink coat and white helmet. He has tried to squeeze me. FML

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Today, I moved into my aunt's house. She had a little too much fun in the sixties and now tells everyone about her many imagined conquests, including her church minister and several has-been celebrities. As a plus, I discovered she has a habit of wandering around the house in the nude. FML

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Today, my cat looked like it was about to puke, so I put him outside. Unhappy with the situation, he leaped on to the kitchen window ledge and squeezed in through the open window, only to projectile-vomit mid-leap all over the kitchen counter. I found a hairball in the butter. FML

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Today, after uprooting my life to help my boyfriend, I realized I receive more affection from my landlord's dog than I have from my boyfriend since I've moved here. FML

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Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate in the backseat of his car, when a police car pulled up behind us. My mom later told me that intimacy was fine, just not in a car. We were in the car because she told me that intimacy was fine, just not in her house. FML

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Today, I found out my son has been sneaking out of his room at night to see his girlfriend. He's a fully-grown 23-year-old man with a job and his own car. He doesn't need to sneak out. What an idiot. FML

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