Wanker Intimacy Scheduling

Scheduling

Anonymous - 20/07/2010 04:53 - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. Way to avoid an awkward situation. FML

44 264

4 234

The rhythm of the fight
Discover all the best anecdotes from the month of January, with or without snow, with or without you. …

Great

Jordan - 10/08/2018 14:00 - United States - Boulder

Today, I met the guy who will be my dorm roommate for the fall semester. One of the first things he said was, "By the way, I'm into self-massage, so don't get weirded out if you hear noises coming from my room a lot." Great. FML

3 028

197

mrboston - 01/09/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML

11 651

43 277

awkward O_o - 24/04/2013 21:15 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML

65 832

4 930

Why would you say that?

Rowaelin16 - 23/08/2016 02:50 - United States - Chicago

Today, my family and I finally moved out of our apartment, and into a more accommodating house. However, as we were leaving, my brother leans over and whispers in my ear, "I've masturbated in every room of that apartment, but it was the best in your room." We've lived there for 3 years. FML

19 071

1 485

Roommates from hell

Anonymous - 09/11/2022 04:00

Today, my roommate is super comfortable around me. Comfortable enough to masturbate while we are in the same room. I asked him to stop, which took some self-control because I wanted to shout at him. He said he needs to do it because of his shin splints. Whatever. FML

1 479

215

You know what I mean?

Anonymous - 06/04/2022 22:00

Today, I accidentally texted my new housemate saying, “Hey, wanna get freaky before moving in tomorrow morning?” It was supposed to say “breaky”, as in "breakfast." This should be nice and awkward. FML

455

840

Gagging for it

Anonymous - 20/02/2023 14:00 - United States - Cleveland

Today, my roommate spends so much time in our dorm room that I got a boner when I heard him leaving for class, because it was my first chance in days to jack off in peace. FML

941

272

Lizofsmeg - 11/05/2012 05:03 - United States

Today, I was at my new boyfriend's flat. As I came out of the toilet he walked over, took my hand, looked at me and whispered, "You washed your hands. Good." in an extremely creepy manner. FML

23 237

3 234

Nice to put a face to the screaming!

dormlyfe - 24/09/2015 02:23 - United States - Moraga

Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML

18 044

22 946

damn - 09/04/2014 21:12 - United States - Kenton

Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML

49 506

8 041

allmidnighteyes 10

Tuesday 20 July 2010 12:11

**** the schedule, everything's more fun when done together!

guyfromnm 0

Tuesday 20 July 2010 12:17

at least he thinks ahead.

myztical 2

Sunday 6 May 2012 22:32

Eeewww

SanAndreas997 7

Thursday 19 July 2012 20:57

Circle jerk anyone?

commentgirl 8

Sunday 22 December 2013 23:17

*puts on Finnish accent* See! Totally awkward!

cwl727 32

Sunday 13 April 2014 0:09

seems like a good idea

Lufgow 7

Saturday 7 February 2015 21:41

Haha that is ridiculously funny.

martiniweenie 10

Sunday 18 October 2015 1:56

me in the day between 3 to 9 him between 9am to 3pm

dannnngthatsux 19

Friday 12 February 2016 18:10

Was his name Sheldon?

ATPR_4 9

Monday 15 August 2016 4:29

Well that's very considerate of him ahaha

AlienPickle 10

Saturday 13 July 2019 1:27

But are you a girl or a guy? 🤔

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, my boss caught me coming to work late. I panicked and told him I’d been there all day. He knows I do a lot of editing for Wikipedia, so he actually found my publicly listed edits showing I’d been publishing edits from my normal account, i.e. my home PC, when I should have been at work. Oops. FML

929

Today, after receiving yet again a dozen insulting texts, I realized that my dog has way better grammar than my ex. FML

664

165

Today, while trying to quit my horrible job at a pizza place, I got so nervous that I accidentally offered to work double my usual hours for another month. FML

22 823

15 953

Today, my ex-boyfriend convinced my current boyfriend to break up with me because, "Bros before hoes." They met for the first time last week. FML

3 379

414

Today, I had a very long, complicated talk with my girlfriend. Apparently, since she isn't religious, she doesn't have to give anyone Christmas presents, and yet expects everyone to give her some. She then told me what I should get her. FML

39 509

5 116

Today, while walking home I was jumped by two guys, one of whom shouted, "You shouldn't have run your mouth off, Rick!" My name is John. Only after they repeatedly axe-kicked me in the chest did they realize their mistake. It now hurts to breathe. FML

45 143

3 247