Today, I learned that if I don't give my mom attention immediately after she calls my name, she will throw a baseball at me. FML
Today, I dyed my hair. And my forehead. And my ears. And my arms. And my hands. FML
Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML
Today, I found out that if I say "make a sandwich", it doesn't matter what context it's in, or whether it's a command or just me describing my day; I'll be yelled at anyway by my hipster roommate for being a "sexist cunt", then end up apologizing just to get her to shut up. FML
Today, every guy I've dated in the last 5 years loses interest after we've had sex, no matter how long I wait. The worst part is none of them will tell me what's wrong with me, they all just act like everything is fine, whilst "phasing it out." FML
Today, I got the hiccups while my dad was yelling at me. He then said, “You’d better stop hiccuping or I’m gonna kick your ass!” FML
Today, my husband passed a massive kidney stone. He is so proud of it that he wants to decorate our home with it. It is now sitting on my kitchen counter next to my produce. FML
Think fast! :D!
Better watch out, the flying objects become more hazardous as time goes on. Next is a set of kitchen knives.