Wanker

Get it on, bang a gong

By DrySpellcaster - 07/10/2020 16:57

Today, it’s been so long since I’ve had sex, even my wet dreams are about doing it solo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 237

You deserved it 246

Oh, hai Mark!

By scarredforlife - 12/02/2016 09:00 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I experienced one of those moments in life you never forget. I walked into a homeless man masturbating in a parking garage stairwell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 415

You deserved it 1 835

Awkward pause

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Blue Springs

Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I commented that his right hand is softer, as if he only used lotion on that one hand. And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 524

You deserved it 17 929

It means he cares

By Anonymous - 26/08/2021 23:01 - United States - Roselle

Today, I found out that my boyfriend jerked off more times than he called me when I was out of town for 4 days. Me: 0; porn: 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks 537

You deserved it 707

Tanned

By caughtorangehanded - 01/10/2010 22:12 - United States

Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 948

You deserved it 46 358

Surprise, wanker!

By pussnboots - 16/07/2024 13:00 - United States

Today, as I was feeling frisky, I started to jack off. I was about to come when my cat attacked my hand and nether regions under the blanket. I really got the pussy, didn’t I? FML

I agree, your life sucks 411

You deserved it 254

Whatcha doin'?

By ImilkedYourMom - 03/05/2016 13:31 - United States - Bronx

Today, after a 14-mile bike tour in Chicago, I got rug burn on my inner thighs. Having the hostel room all by myself for the last couple of days, I got naked and let the air conditioner cool me off. I then had to explain to my roommate that walked in on me that I seriously was not jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 608

You deserved it 2 149

Listen up

By Ryan - 01/09/2022 21:00 - Canada - Quesnel

Today, after getting off the phone with a client, I got horny so I put on some porn and cranked one out. After I'd finished, I realized I hadn't ended the call and neither had my client. They heard everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 285

You deserved it 2 122

iTouch

By lonely girl - 02/07/2013 06:47 - United States - Oregon City

Today, I got angry after not being able to have an orgasm. What was I angry at? My own hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 398

You deserved it 22 844

Quick thinking

By me. - 29/10/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me masturbating. All I could say was, "Uh, I had an itch…" FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 060

You deserved it 35 423

Cranking

By Anonymous - 21/05/2023 03:00 - United States - Corvallis

Today, I cried while masturbating because I genuinely couldn't think of a single person that would fuck me in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 019

You deserved it 368

Fantasy world

By Anonymous - 27/08/2021 16:01

Today, as I was approaching climax with the girl of my dreams, my mom walked in to ask if I had her car keys, took one look and told me I need to get out, find a real woman and stop watching porn with my headphones on, so I can hear when people are climbing the stairs to my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 320

You deserved it 2 084

Get it on, get on with it

By WorkingBlind - 12/10/2021 23:00

Today, I was supposed to be working from home. Instead, I ended up taking the kids out to the park for the morning, because my wife “couldn’t even” today. When we got home, she had demolished two bottles of wine, and was masturbating to a home improvement show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 091

You deserved it 335

Play it cool

By Fraser - 08/03/2012 19:03 - Canada

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 221

You deserved it 56 702

Forbidden thoughts

By Everything Counts - 12/01/2024 13:00 - United States

Today, my thoughts are filled with fantasies of pleasuring my boss under his desk, to the point where it distracts me from job duties. I take a break and wank at work, and then I return to my normal way of thinking and how much I love my wife and how happy I am. Lust really can blind someone to what is important. FML

I agree, your life sucks 232

You deserved it 596

Get it where you can

By Anonymous - 12/07/2023 17:00 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I finally broke and ordered a male sex toy, as though masturbating due to chronic singledom wasn’t sad enough, now I need a fleshlight to try and make the masturbating interesting enough to even bother anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 751

You deserved it 374

Quickie

By Anonymous - 18/04/2020 23:00

Today, I realised that unless I masturbate about an hour before sex, sex lasts less than 20 seconds, but even after masturbating I’m still lucky to last a single minute. I don’t know how to stop disappointing her, and she’s my first serious girlfriend. I’m pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 334

You deserved it 576

Denied

By Anonymous - 30/08/2023 22:00

Today, I started coming on to my girlfriend, only to get a nasty rejection. I told her I would just go jerk off, to which she replied, "Don't you dare!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 590

You deserved it 150

By Anonymous user - 09/08/2018 06:00

Today, my mom laughed about hearing me singing in the shower and told our whole family. I wasn't singing, though. I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 066

You deserved it 2 987

Gagging for it

By Anonymous - 20/02/2023 14:00 - United States - Cleveland

Today, my roommate spends so much time in our dorm room that I got a boner when I heard him leaving for class, because it was my first chance in days to jack off in peace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 943

You deserved it 274

The growth

By Deenadd - 19/10/2023 07:00 - United States - Seattle

Today, I discovered an open wound right above my penis. I can’t put a Bandaid on it because the hair down there repels it. There’s something repulsive about seeing something like that on your own body, especially when you just want to jerk off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 363

You deserved it 325

By guh - 31/08/2016 15:54 - Malaysia - Subang Jaya

Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 798

You deserved it 4 296

Slow down

By Anonymous - 04/11/2020 17:01 - Canada

Today, after months of ultrasounds and blood tests, I found out that the pain I've been feeling in my ovaries is actually just sore muscles from flicking my bean every night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 643

You deserved it 1 172

Slacker

By Anonymous - 13/05/2024 08:00 - United States - Babylon

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd rather jerk off to sexy pictures of me than actually have sex, because he gets too tired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 543

You deserved it 125

So frustraaaatiiiiiing

By Anonymous - 10/05/2023 16:00 - Tanzania

Today, after my husband told me he doesn't enjoy having sex unless he initiates it, my mother-in-law barged into my bedroom only to find me pleasing myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 202

You deserved it 220

Final fantasy

By Anonymous - 14/01/2025 19:00 - United Kingdom - Castleford

Today, I have caught my boyfriend masturbating by himself over a dozen times since Xmas, so God knows how many times he’s done it without me knowing. I asked him about it, and it turns out a woman he went to high school with, and had a huge crush on, recently became a porn actress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 554

You deserved it 207

Run for the hills

By SickofhisBs - 06/07/2022 12:00

Today, and every time I don’t feel like having sex with my boyfriend, he audibly jerks off, and passively aggressively moans to try and guilt trip me into doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 349

You deserved it 679

Weird kink but OK

By Anonymous - 25/01/2024 13:00 - United States

Today, I was alone at my dad's house. I was furiously masturbating when I knocked something over. It was my grandmother's ashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 145

You deserved it 638

Stickler

By Anonymous - 02/09/2014 15:49 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I finally got to watch some porn after not being able to for a while. All I could notice in the video was how badly the participants were playing snooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 359

You deserved it 8 748

Got the sniffles

By Jizzyface - 29/12/2013 12:36 - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Today, my strict Christian mother walked into my room just after I'd finished masturbating. Although dressed, I was still holding the used tissue, which she noticed. Having to think fast to disguise my deed and avoid an entire sermon, I had no option but to blow my nose with the spunky tissue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 408

You deserved it 28 910

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The Top

Today, I was walking through the mall with my boyfriend of a year and a half. There was sign outside of the jewelry store that said, "Engagement Rings - No interest for 12 months." I said, "Look, baby! No interest." He replied, "That's right… NO INTEREST." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 701

You deserved it 50 590

Today, I over-boiled some potatoes. I was having a bad day and this tipped me over the edge. I burst into tears and threw the potatoes all over my kitchen. I then stomped on the piping hot potatoes. The bottoms of my feet are blistered and still feel like they’re burning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 314

You deserved it 1 510

Today, my boyfriend looked so unhappy in a photo we took that I downloaded an editing app, and edited the photo to make it look like he was smiling before posting it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 200

You deserved it 938

Today, my grad student husband was unusually frisky in the middle of the day. I took the opportunity and we had an enjoyable afternoon romp. Afterward, I asked him what had gotten him in such a good mood. He replied, "I'd do just about anything to get out of doing my homework." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 430

You deserved it 4 195

Today, my suburban, white boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to tell me something serious. He sat me down, looked me in the eye and said "I want to be gangster." I started laughing thinking he was joking. He was 100% serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 974

You deserved it 7 739

Today, I tried to turn my TV up. Unfortunately, the volume button got stuck, so it ended up turning all the way up to the max while I was listening to an already very loud song. If my neighbors didn't know I listen to a lot of blues rock, they do now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 631

You deserved it 254