The Top

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Give me strength

By wtbfiber - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my stomach muscles are still sore from yesterday. Not because I was doing sit-ups or working out or anything, but because I have to work that hard to take a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 534

You deserved it 6 468

By fitzy79 - 31/01/2014 20:04 - United States

Today, I had to wake up at 4am because my boss set an important business meeting for first thing in the morning. After making sure everything was ready, I went to work. My boss ended up oversleeping and moved the meeting to tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 821

You deserved it 3 762

Foreshadowing

By strikeout - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I skipped class to take the girl I like to the airport, and after giving her a goodbye hug I kissed her on the cheek. She laughed and said, "Maybe we should discuss some boundaries when I get back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 350

You deserved it 8 625

You absolute melt

By hkkilla - 16/03/2010 17:40 - United States

Today, I had four teeth pulled, and my mom brought me some ice cream to help with the pain. I fell asleep before I could finish it, and without realising, I left the bowl on my bed. I woke up a few hours later with ice cream spilled all over me, my pants, and all over my now-dead phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 874

You deserved it 10 546

By Bruce - 02/02/2012 03:11 - United States

Today, my son learned that when you slide a mug across the kitchen table, it doesn't stop where you expect it to like in the old cartoons. I then learned what it feels like to have a full mug of hot chocolate spilled onto my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 526

You deserved it 3 429

By Brad - 03/01/2013 06:47 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I went to dinner with my girlfriend of 2 months. This would have been great, had I not been nodding absentmindedly when she suggested that we start planning our wedding soon, because "she's always dreamt of being married on the same day as Brad and Angelina." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 990

You deserved it 25 713

By Lost... - 06/03/2010 06:16 - United States

Today, after leaving work at 10 pm, I took a shortcut to the highway. After getting lost, my GPS informed me that the service was unavailable and I should try back in an hour. This occurred moments before I ran out of gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 118

You deserved it 8 645

By whyymee - 05/03/2010 07:50 - United States

Today, I helped a "blind" man across the street. He kindly said thank you and patted me on the back. Then, I went into a store and realized my wallet was missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 944

You deserved it 3 346

It's the thought that counts

By slipperyhands - 15/08/2009 07:50 - United States

Today, on my wedding day, when they said, "You may kiss the bride", I swung my wife over in the romantic fashion and went in for the kiss. Unfortunately, my hands were sweaty as I was nervous, and she slipped under my grip. She fell and was knocked unconscious in front of hundreds of people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 033

You deserved it 19 813

By laststand11 - 26/12/2011 01:35 - Reserved

Today, I received a very expensive bottle of wine for Christmas. My alcoholic mother snuck into my house while I was out and drank the whole bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 817

You deserved it 2 664

By beurk - 06/02/2015 05:18 - France - Paris

Today, in the magazine section of a bookstore, an old dude asked me politely to grab something that he couldn't reach. I did so with a smile, touched by his "nice old guy" demeanour, only glancing at the item in question as I handed it to him. It was a porn mag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 65

Wrong number

By Hth - 08/11/2008 01:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, for the 25th time, some Indian dude called my cell phone asking for 'Pinkie'. I don't know who the hell Pinkie is, but I don't appreciate people calling wrong numbers while I'm having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 682

You deserved it 9 802

By nonymous human subject - 14/11/2015 20:02 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, I got to my human anatomy class with a hickey on my neck. Since I sit in the front row, my professor noticed and decided to call me to the front. He then started talking about ruptured blood vessels and hickeys, all while as I served as the subject. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 573

You deserved it 7 887

By notyourfriend - 09/09/2014 01:26 - Canada - Peterborough

Today, my horrible boss sent me a Facebook friend request for the fifth time, in her attempt to not only bother me at work, but also through social media. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 431

You deserved it 3 465

By Anonymous - 06/10/2015 03:46 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I finally got a job so I could stop missing out on going out with my friends every weekend. Turns out I work only Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, and there's no way around it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 475

You deserved it 4 866

By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 05:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, I called my mom for her birthday. She started talking about an infomercial she'd seen for a combo bidet-and-dryer, and how she would like to get one so she can feel "fresh down there" without worrying about getting bits of toilet paper on her nether regions. I can't un-hear this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 035

You deserved it 3 104

By Swivel - 07/06/2012 12:17 - Singapore

Today, after a spate of bad ones, I was in another job interview trying my hardest to give a good impression. After answering a few questions, I realized to my horror that while I was talking I was swiveling my chair from left to right like a nervous child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 151

You deserved it 4 720

Classic

By skjjj - 26/04/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's communion. We arrived late and walked to the front of the church where my family was. Everyone stared and laughed but I ignored it. After the service was done, my mom came up to me and pulled a long piece of toilet paper out of my skirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 599

You deserved it 13 325

Accidents come fast

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Netherlands

Today, I hurt my jaw after I got hit by a car. While receiving medical attention, the paramedic accidentally punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 919

You deserved it 3 005

By NaCl - 24/05/2014 21:20 - United States - Duluth

Today, my mother-in-law came over for dinner. She decided to salt the food I was preparing without even tasting it first, then complained at dinner that I'd used too much salt. She then lectured me on the proper seasoning of food for the rest of the evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 740

You deserved it 4 075

By anonymous - 12/10/2009 02:48 - United States

Today, I had to crown the homecoming queen, a responsibility of mine as class president. It just happened to be that the queen is my ex-girlfriend that I still love, escorted by her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 743

You deserved it 4 160

By Anonymous - 31/03/2014 17:15 - Japan - Takarazuka

Today, as I walked out the door to head to class, my neighbour's kid threw a balloon at me, filled with some kind of foul-smelling liquid that he calls "liquid ass". I had a presentation 20 minutes later and couldn't get the smell off myself in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 563

You deserved it 3 087

By onionrings - 08/06/2015 00:53 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I found out that my husband really thinks onion rings are seafood. He's 36. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 594

You deserved it 2 538

By NoMoreTacoBell - 04/06/2015 16:21 - United States - Herndon

Today, I made out with a boy for the first time. I belched into his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 369

You deserved it 6 650

NoMoreTacoBell tells us more.

NoMoreTacoBell 7

Saturday 6 June 2015 7:59

Hahaha I never thought this would get posted! So the long story is, me and this boy have been best friends for a long time, Taco Bell and burping contests are a regular part of our friendship (and many other less-gross things). First of all let's clear up that I DID NOT VOMIT in his mouth. Not that a burp is much better but oh well. We just started dating recently so I was mortified, but our being best friends helped us both laugh it off in the end. Definitely should have called this one TacoBelch.

By Anonymous - 04/02/2014 21:42 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I was ringing an elderly gentleman up at work. As I went to package up the buns he ordered, he held up a hand and told me to wait. He then looked me in the eyes, started squeezing them, then winked and told me to go ahead. I've never felt so violated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 342

You deserved it 4 484

By judge not, ye cunt - 21/12/2012 23:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was overseeing a nativity play rehearsal. Things went fairly well, until a boy's grandma stormed in, ranting that Christmas is a "Pagan abomination", and shouting for him and his mom to leave with her. Half the kids were left in tears, and we had to cancel the rehearsal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 198

You deserved it 3 016

By bobjope - 28/02/2015 04:14

Spicy

Today, my mother confused the terms 'necromancy' and 'necrophilia'. We had a great talk about why you shouldn't have sex with dead people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 262

You deserved it 2 753

By Noname - 19/01/2009 10:26 - Canada

Today, I won $5000 dollars from a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 220

You deserved it 10 028

By Anonymous - 08/01/2011 07:56 - United States

Today, on the way to work, I was punched in the balls by a complete stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 099

You deserved it 4 269

News to me

By annoyed - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Houston

Today, my mother texted me that she was in labor. She never told me she was pregnant. Apparently she's engaged too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 795

You deserved it 2 469

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The Top

The Top

Today, my father-in-law decided to "fix" our bathtub and ended up flooding the bathroom. Later, in his attempt to clean things up, he walked, without permission, into my bathroom where my vibrator was right next to my hairdryer. He definitely saw it, and didn’t say anything to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 937

You deserved it 482

Today, my parents said we can't go to our grandma's funeral because it's going to be held in Hawaii in accordance with her wishes and we can't afford to travel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 62

Fine... I guess?

I agree, your life sucks 241

You deserved it 102

Today, without telling me, my mom dropped me off at my grandmother's house, and drove off. Now I'm supposed to spend the next month with her. Guess she forgot my grandma died six weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 885

You deserved it 3 127

Today, a coworker confided in me that he’s taking a leave of absence to get treatment for alcoholism. I feel for him, but I’m also incredibly jealous. He’s better at our job while drunk than I am while sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 416

You deserved it 203

Today, my wife and I have a perfect life together, nice house, nice cars, fun hobbies, fun holidays, love each other, lots of sex and so on. After 12 years of marital bliss, she wants to ruin all that by having a baby, and has even threatened divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 622

You deserved it 1 025