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By Shoofly - 04/03/2011 22:54 - United States

Today, while at Subway, I looked on as an employee killed a fly with his hands. He then continued working without a second thought. He was making my sandwich. FML

agreeclassic 36 969

vote type 1 4 258

By jku - 02/01/2012 13:18 - United States

Today, my older brother burst into my bedroom at 4 am to show me photos of sushi. FML

agreeclassic 31 800

vote type 1 3 226

jku app_comment_confession_title

jku 14

Wednesday 4 January 2012 7:40

Yes. Yes he did. Maybe more ninja-samurai-hybrid style.

By Whipped Cream - 24/11/2012 05:38 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I took a picture of myself wearing a whipped cream bra with cherry nipples, captioned, "I hope you enjoyed your dinner, now how about some dessert???" I meant to send it to my fiancé. I sent it by mistake to my dad. FML

agreeclassic 21 363

vote type 1 49 744

Just a prank, bro!

By fail - 16/02/2011 23:16 - United States

Today, at the library, somebody left themselves logged in to Facebook on a public computer after they had left. Trying to teach them a lesson, I updated their Facebook status to something outrageous. That's when they came back to the computer after getting something from the printer. FML

agreeclassic 7 578

vote type 1 68 132

By ConstructionLady - 13/11/2012 06:49 - United States

Today, I was conducting a meeting regarding safety concerns on my field site. While I made a comment, a client rep yelled out that women don't know construction, and that I should be acting like a proper secretary and should get my boss. I'm the Construction Manager. FML

agreeclassic 29 747

vote type 1 2 409

By summinay - 12/11/2011 08:30 - United States

Today, I got married. About five minutes after I got my huge wedding dress on, I had to pee. It took three people to help me not pee on my dress, and my bridesmaids took pictures. FML

agreeclassic 30 088

vote type 1 10 464

summinay app_comment_confession_title

summinay 0

Monday 14 November 2011 1:32

Guys, my dress wasn't elaborately big. It just has many layers. And yeah I've already laughed about it. Haha.

By Anonymous - 05/10/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, while at my job as a hairdresser, I was giving an elderly client a perm and I thought she'd fallen asleep. She'd died. FML

agreeclassic 53 665

vote type 1 2 382

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 06:09 - Australia

Today, I realised I haven't had a date in so long that I actually seriously considered meeting someone from online, purely based on the fact he could spell properly. FML

agreeclassic 26 001

vote type 1 4 292

Blackout

By itsgonnabealongnight... - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was at my grandparents' house, when the power went out. Even though we were supplied with candles and flashlights, we still had to stumble around in the darkness. They'd left both the candles and flashlights in the pitch black, unnavigable basement. FML

agreeclassic 24 678

vote type 1 3 138

PAR-TAY

By Anonymous - 25/04/2009 23:50 - Brazil

Today, I had a going-away party because I am leaving the country forever. Out of the 130 people invited, 60 were a resounding, "Yes! Of course I will come!" After paying $300 for everything needed at the party, two ended up coming. And left because nobody else was there. FML

agreeclassic 91 191

vote type 1 5 765

By Anonymous - 07/07/2014 01:27 - United States - Sandston

Today, my boyfriend said that he doesn't have to marry me because we coincidentally have the same last name. FML

agreeclassic 49 776

vote type 1 5 650

By NotAModel - 30/04/2012 15:50 - United States

Today, after putting an ad on Craigslist to sell a coat, I finally got a call. The guy on the phone seemed interested, and was especially curious to know if I could "model" it for him, in "stockings and suspenders." FML

agreeclassic 28 329

vote type 1 3 867

When love breaks down

By BadGirlfriend12 - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend actually offered me $1000 to break up with him, and to move back to where my family lives 5 hours away. FML

agreeclassic 42 070

vote type 1 6 430

By grrrrrr - 19/02/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, I grounded my daughter for putting play doh in the toaster. She's 17 and got into Columbia early admissions. FML

agreeclassic 31 635

vote type 1 5 055

By Anonymous - 08/09/2013 06:52 - United States - Orlando

Today, my obese mother-in-law took her top off at our pool party, exposing her sagging breasts. When I told her to cover herself, she lifted her breasts, turned them inwards, and squeezed them together while staring me in the eyes. She kept doing this on and off for the next two hours. FML

agreeclassic 52 075

vote type 1 5 259

By Anonymous - 02/11/2011 15:15 - United States

Today, my mom learned how to use the text messaging on her smartphone. I've received 37 already, and she calls after every single one to make sure I understood her. FML

agreeclassic 40 237

vote type 1 3 277

By Cantbreath94 - 13/11/2010 06:07 - Canada

Today, while at work, I got a call. They left a voicemail. It was a 7 minute voicemail of the mattress squeaking and my mom screaming my dad's name. I am going to their house for supper tonight. FML

agreeclassic 37 653

vote type 1 3 143

By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 13:25 - United States - Evansville

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a little over a week proposed to me. FML

agreeclassic 29 036

vote type 1 3 213

By unacceptable - 04/06/2012 15:02 - Australia

Today, my mum thought it was perfectly acceptable to post a status on Facebook about how well she is healing up after her hemorrhoid surgery, and tag me in it. FML

agreeclassic 26 328

vote type 1 2 748

By Anonymous - 07/03/2012 04:03 - United States

Today, I had to bury my horse again because coyotes keep digging it up. FML

agreeclassic 45 050

vote type 1 3 383

By Surfinbird09 - 20/12/2009 12:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked a girl I liked for her number, but she claimed she had a broken phone and was getting a new one for Christmas. Unhinged, I go home and go onto Facebook. First thing I see is her status: "Why is no one answering my calls?" FML

agreeclassic 30 776

vote type 1 4 087

By newdad - 06/09/2010 23:21 - United States

Today, I found out that I'm a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I'm happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML

agreeclassic 33 864

vote type 1 6 013

By Fairy31 - 01/03/2012 00:01 - United States

Today, the boy I tutor failed his math test. As a result, the family fired me. The boy failed because he forgot to write his name at the top. FML

agreeclassic 40 169

vote type 1 2 307

New filter

By hantavirus - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that the horrific smell coming from somewhere in my kitchen was a rotting dead mouse that somehow got stuck in my dishwasher. I have been eating off plates washed in dead mouse water for the past week. FML

agreeclassic 59 377

vote type 1 11 517

By xorenae - 27/03/2015 08:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had an interview for an office job. As a requirement, I had to show up dressed for the job. My friend has worked there for years and told me it was casual dress. I wore jeans and a blouse. Everyone else had on business suits. Obviously my friend doesn't know what casual means. FML

agreeclassic 30 054

vote type 1 7 990

By Laura - 30/11/2010 03:03

Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat's butt. FML

agreeclassic 44 092

vote type 1 5 400

By Pwnedofthedead - 03/10/2009 15:34 - Canada

Today, I was walking to my friends Halloween themed birthday party in my zombie costume. Apparently, my crazy coke addicted neighbor found the costume too realistic. He tackled me. FML

agreeclassic 470

vote type 1 38

By Anonymous - 05/04/2014 14:27 - United States - Plymouth

Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML

agreeclassic 76 653

vote type 1 7 357

By purpledp12 - 11/02/2010 09:12 - United States

Today, I was eating in the food court at the mall by myself but then a cute guy from my school offers to sit by me, I say yes of course, he then asks me for a french fry. Later on I realize he has eaten half my meal. He only wanted to sit by me for my food. FML

agreeclassic 29 487

vote type 1 6 863

By joe1234 - 17/07/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to put a pretzel on my forehead while I was sleeping on the beach. I now have a pretzel-shaped tan line in the middle of my head. FML

agreeclassic 48 865

vote type 1 9 738

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Today, I placed a personal ad advertising myself as an overweight woman wanting sex. I sent pictures of me in lingerie to men who replied and was pleased that almost all were still interested. Then I sent face pics. As it turns out, being fat is not my problem. Apparently I'm ugly. FML

agreeclassic 47 961

vote type 1 29 405

Today, after beating myself up for being useless and not being able to do anything right, I managed to choke almost to the point of blacking out, on a piece of lettuce. FML

agreeclassic 40 366

vote type 1 6 194

Today, I was telling my friend about how my boyfriend never does anything nice for me. Confused, she replied, "That's odd, he's always doing nice things for me." FML

agreeclassic 41 228

vote type 1 4 389

Today, after I retired November 2021, broke my left leg in February 2022, was able to walk unaided around the end of July, broke my left hip in August 2022, physical therapy is now starting. Today. Happy retirement! FML.

agreeclassic 950

vote type 1 118

Today, I began to daydream about going on a diet and losing some weight. As I did so, I unknowingly reached for a giant bag of chips and ate the whole thing. Now, I have stopped daydreaming and am sitting alone and depressed. And I'm all out of chips. FML

agreeclassic 12 177

vote type 1 29 314

Today, my boyfriend told my roommate about a trick he had used by filling nail holes with toothpaste when he moved out. When I came home with putty to fill the holes, there were blue spots all over the walls. She had filled them with blue gel toothpaste. Now I get to repaint, too. FML

agreeclassic 40 759

vote type 1 3 865