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By omfgfmlife - 05/07/2011 14:32 - United States

Today, my mother insisted I thoroughly water all the plants in and around my house before some people turned up. This would be fine except 90% of them are fake. She is convinced it will make them look "realer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 334

You deserved it 3 072

By DisgustinglyFrustrated - 10/10/2013 15:40 - Argentina - Rosario

Today, I was talking dirty to my long-distance lover while touching myself, when a cockroach fell from my ceiling and landed on the hand I was molesting myself with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 282

You deserved it 18 038

The art, the artist

By waltzy777 - 26/04/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, we were having a family get together at my house. Because of this, I had to mow our lawn to make sure it looked nice. I got a little bored and decided it would be funny to cut a rather large penis into my yard. Right when I'd finished, I ran out of gas. My 83 year-old grandmother saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 617

You deserved it 83 073

By rockyrocket - 26/04/2011 19:19 - Canada

Today, I was out shopping. It was fine until my dental crossbow broke as I was laughing. The springs locked, and I couldn't close my mouth. The orthodontist couldn't see me for two hours, leaving me to walk around town with my mouth hanging open like a psychopath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 572

You deserved it 3 705

rockyrocket tells us more.

rockyrocket 0

Wednesday 27 April 2011 23:56

hey guys, I didn't have room to write this in my post, but I was visiting another town 60 minutes away from mine, so I couldn't just go home and wait, and the office was closed that day so I couldn't wait there bebcause no one would be there until the orthodontist arrived. So I was pretty much out of luck :p

What have you been up to?

By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 07:08 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband wasn't home so I hopped into bed. My feet felt something and I reached down and picked it up out of the sheets. It was lacy black thongs. I don't own black thongs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 877

You deserved it 3 815

By anonymous - 29/01/2011 12:41 - Australia

Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. Afterwards, she informed me I would look a lot hotter if I smiled more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 856

You deserved it 8 983

You snooze, you lose

By Homeless - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my fiancé and I toured our dream home. I was so excited about it that I posted all kinds of pictures of it on Facebook. My boss's daughter just called and said she loved my pictures so much that she made an offer on the house. We were one week away from making an offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 478

You deserved it 34 757

By rene - 22/08/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, it was my birthday, and my kids gave me my car keys I had "lost" a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 898

You deserved it 3 371

By blondie - 24/03/2009 23:10 - Australia

Today, I was trying to convince my boyfriend that I am NOT a dumb blonde. After screaming at the top of my lungs, I tripped over a bin and hit my head on a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 042

You deserved it 88 103

By frame - 20/03/2009 15:08 - Canada

Today, I was walking my husky when she saw a cat and bolted toward it. I couldn't let go of the leash because my hand was tangled up. Forced to run along, I ran into a parked van at full sprint. I lost my dog, broke two ribs and have to pay for the dent in the van. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 188

You deserved it 10 305

By GrannyAt22 - 22/06/2010 01:28 - Canada

Today, I had to buy a wrist brace for a repetitive strain injury. I got the injury because I was knitting too much. I'm 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 958

You deserved it 26 876

By nodoggforme - 31/01/2015 00:13 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my girlfriend ran off with my beloved dog. Why? Yesterday she asked me who I'd choose, and I honestly said that I would choose the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 217

You deserved it 17 444

nodoggforme tells us more.

nodoggforme 1

Wednesday 4 February 2015 6:03

OP here. Just to set things straight, we'd only been dating for about 3 weeks and weren't lifelong friends before that or anything. My dog I've had for 7 years, so yeah, he won. I agree that if it had been the other way around I would have deserved it. The whole thing came up when we were sitting on the couch and I was rubbing my dog's back. Psycho chick then asked why I wasn't rubbing hers instead and asked who I cared for more and choose. "'Cause you can only have one!" Now I have none :(. Still looking for my dog.

You OK dude?

By kvdfan - 27/08/2012 12:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to see me after almost a month of us not spending time together. Unfortunately, he came straight from bar-hopping with his friends and was wasted. He's currently naked in bed, cooing at his penis, and giggling like a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 348

You deserved it 3 523

By Anonymous - 19/09/2011 02:16 - United States

Today, I went to evening Mass. I later found that sometime between entering the church and receiving Communion, someone had snatched my iPhone straight out of my handbag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 294

You deserved it 5 381

By whywouldyoudothat - 07/10/2014 01:14 - United States - Kingman

Today, while on vacation, my parents called to inform me that my best friend had died in a car accident. Why? To trick me into tearfully confessing my love for him. It worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 455

You deserved it 4 845

2019x tells us more.

2019x 5

Wednesday 8 October 2014 2:38

Are you gay?

What are you doing here then?

By Nikki - 27/07/2012 13:45 - United States - Newark

Today, my live-in-boyfriend lost his job. Jokingly, I told him that we weren't going to have sex until he found a new job. He then turned to me with the most excited look I have ever seen on his face and said, "I'm going to stay unemployed forever!" He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 014

You deserved it 9 286

By Anonymous - 25/11/2015 17:30 - Switzerland - Corminboeuf

Today, I told my parents I don't really like children and probably won't have any in the future. They sat me down and gave me a lecture on how people who hate kids are heartless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 768

You deserved it 3 773

Fortunate Son

By Anonymous - 03/05/2012 23:35 - United States - Wichita

Today, I had a look at the pictures my mom took during my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Every single one is of my sister. Her lighting the candles, her watching me open presents, and her eating cake. The only pictures of me are in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 987

You deserved it 1 968

By TheStripedBeatle - 26/06/2011 01:27 - United States

Today, I went to a party and we all decided to play hide-and-go-seek despite our ages. I started counting. When I was done, I started searching and after 5 minutes of searching, I found that everyone left me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 033

You deserved it 6 857

TheStripedBeatle tells us more.

TheStripedBeatle 9

Sunday 26 June 2011 14:27

To clarify, they left me. They weren't even hiding.

By superfkd - 15/03/2009 02:27 - Canada

Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, "You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 938

You deserved it 70 285

By McFuckYouTooCunt - 11/06/2015 13:44 - Australia - Bellevue Hill

Today, a customer yelled, "I'll bash your fuckin' face in, cunt" at me at 9:30am because we don't serve the lunch menu at breakfast time. Yes, the 15-year-old girl in high school is responsible for McDonald's entire menu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 821

You deserved it 2 121

By asstomouth - 29/05/2010 18:20 - France

Today, I wasn't feeling well, so I took my temperature with a thermometer from my sister's bathroom. I later found out that I actually used my sister's rectal thermometer. At least I don't have a fever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 136

You deserved it 9 641

Sink-dodger alert!

By penpendesrapen - 11/03/2010 00:40 - Philippines

Today, I went to the bathroom to take a piss. While washing my hands, I heard someone taking a large dump in one of the stalls. When he was finished, he left the bathroom without washing his hands. Turns out he was the IT guy I called to fix my computer. He sat down on my chair and used my keyboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 420

You deserved it 2 505

Alexa, play "Medication" by Spiritualized

By In Pain - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had gum surgery. I can't laugh. I can't smile. I can't talk. I can't eat. All I can do is wait for the pain medication to kick in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 262

You deserved it 2 723

By Henry - 06/02/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I realized that the only food I have is four months' worth of nutrisystem food from when my parents went on the nutrisystem diet. I am not able to secure a job and buy my own food, so I have two choices: die of starvation or die of nasty nutrisystem food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 420

You deserved it 8 983

By Eet- - 13/10/2011 19:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 220

You deserved it 4 269

By Deconstructed - 19/05/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, my husband let me sleep in while he worked on the landscaping by our backyard pool. Ready for a shower, I stripped naked, opened the back door to let the dog out, and stepped out to ask him how it was going. Turns out he'd finally hired a landscaping crew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 117

You deserved it 28 012

By umerin - 05/07/2014 05:40 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I woke up to my young niece hammering a metal cookie cutter into my leg. I'll have a teddy bear shaped scar for the rest of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 620

You deserved it 5 265

umerin tells us more.

umerin 32

Sunday 6 July 2014 6:27

I am a chick, haha. I think it's cute, just... Painful at the moment. I'm planning on letting said niece colour it in once healed. My nickname is "Human Colouring Book" right now. Not bad, eh?

By a very unlucky dude. - 18/06/2014 06:37 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I learned the valuable lesson that taking care of a baby crow isn't the best idea. He finally can fly away, but sits on my porch all day cawing for food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 209

You deserved it 13 415