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By penisface69 - 05/05/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, I was talking with this cute guy. I mentioned the fact that I'm single. His response, "It'd be awkward, but we can still fuck." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 356

You deserved it 9 917

penisface69 tells us more.

penisface69 17

Wednesday 6 May 2009 2:57

he said it would be awkward if we went out cause hes a freshman and im a junior. and it wasnt spontaneous. i told him i was bored and he told me to go ********** and i told him im sick of masturbating and he was like what? how is taht even possible? and i was like well ive been doing it for half a decade. it gets old. i need a boyfriend.

My favorite boy

By Anonymous - 23/04/2009 14:09 - United States

Today, I came home from a two-week overseas business trip. My wife was at work, but she came home for lunch. When she came in, she brushed right past me to hug and talk to her dog. When I mentioned it, she said, "But I haven't seen him all day!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 654

You deserved it 4 338

By wishbone - 14/04/2009 20:41 - Canada

Today, a cute boy told me I looked like a celebrity. Flattered, I asked who I resembled. He responded by saying that I looked exactly like Ugly Betty. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 711

You deserved it 5 663

Getting hot in here

By blocked_by_fire - 17/04/2012 18:13 - United States - Pullman

Today, while I was in the midst of the most mind-blowing shower sex ever, the fire alarm went off. My girlfriend had left the stove top on and the entire kitchen had caught on fire. So instead of finishing, I frantically ran around naked trying to douse the flames. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 792

You deserved it 4 533

By kirsty - 08/04/2012 17:18 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went to a new deli in town. While waiting in line, I hadn't made up my mind on what to order, so I let the guy behind me go instead. Turns out he was the hundredth customer, and they gave him his lunch for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 473

You deserved it 9 394

By BlazefireSaber - 07/07/2015 03:59 - United States - Norfolk

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with a broken finger, all because I beat my little brother in a Wii game. He ran over and twisted my finger, saying, "Now how are you going to beat me, cunt?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 548

You deserved it 2 998

By nicoleee - 29/03/2012 20:16 - United States

Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 071

You deserved it 4 068

By heallven - 31/01/2013 12:26 - France - Ostricourt

Today, my loyalty and regularity at my local pizza place were noticed. The delivery guy, when bringing yet another order, asked me if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were living with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 441

You deserved it 98

By danikka1 - 11/03/2010 17:13 - United States

Today, I told my husband that after fifteen years of marriage, I wanted a divorce. His first question was whether or not he could still go on the family cruise my parents are paying for in May. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 118

You deserved it 10 504

By embarrassed - 31/01/2012 03:54 - United States

Today, my sister set it so all the Yahoo articles I read are published on my Facebook wall. This would have been fine had I not decided to read, "Does the gynecologist care if you shave?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 525

You deserved it 5 384

By Anonymous - 28/07/2009 06:03 - United States

Today, I went on a group job interview, where all the applicants seem to have the same qualifications. When the interviewer dismissed all of us but the prettiest girl, outraged, I told him he was a prejudiced pig, and should be ashamed of himself. Apparently she was the only one who had a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 754

You deserved it 58 910

Threat

By fuck you, kid - 16/07/2014 18:56 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I babysat a 9-year-old kid for the first time. The moment his parents left the house, the little shit looked me dead in the eyes and let me know that if I didn't let him do whatever he wanted, he'd tell his parents that I touched him in his "no-no place". Suddenly I hate kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 366

You deserved it 4 018

By mylifeblows - 19/08/2010 06:15 - United States

Today, I found out my husband put a parental block on the TV so I couldn't rent a movie. I'm 42. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 056

You deserved it 8 499

By Anonymous - 28/03/2012 16:25 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, one of my nostrils became completely blocked. At lunch time, I went out to my car to dig into my nose. When I finished, I held up the cornflake sized booger in victory. I noticed too late that my boss was in a car adjacent to me, shooting me a horrified look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 103

You deserved it 30 158

Bad influence

By BigSister - 13/09/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, my 15 year-old sister came home at 4 a.m. totally stoned. My parents treated her really nicely and woke me up. I'm now grounded until I go college for being a bad influence. I volunteer at schools to talk about drug abuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 072

You deserved it 3 403

Hmmmm…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my 21 year-old boyfriend asked me what foreplay is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 824

You deserved it 5 380

By Anonymous - 07/07/2013 13:58 - United States - Wayne

Today, not only do I work as a garbage man, but I had to pick up a used, bloody tampon that someone decided to throw on the ground rather than in a garbage can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 629

You deserved it 5 068

By pathetic - 31/10/2009 10:08 - Australia

Today, it's Saturday night, and also Halloween. Instead of going out, I'm sitting at home on MSN telling everyone who asks me what I'm doing tonight that I'm 'going out in 10 minutes to a party', then when 10 minutes pass, I block them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 656

You deserved it 26 381

By nomoresbfun - 22/02/2010 06:31 - United States

Today, I found out that my most amazing spring break ever, will be spent stuck on a ship with my ex. It's been almost two years, and he still isn't over me. Yay. This cruise shall be fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 685

You deserved it 6 117

Little shit

By single&alone - 06/03/2015 20:44 - United States - Seattle

Today, my boyfriend's little sister told me she hates me. I thought she was just a jealous, whiny nitwit like most kids are, until she calmly walked over to the wall and headbutted it hard. She burst into tears, ran out of the room, and told my boyfriend I hit her. He believed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 884

You deserved it 3 537

By Anonymous - 15/12/2011 15:49 - United States

Today, realizing how poor I am, I decided to steal gas. The only place I was brave enough to steal from was my parents' lawn mower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 025

You deserved it 38 470

By stillkindahorny - 13/09/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been seeing. It took him longer to put the condom on than it did to finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 851

You deserved it 4 744

Be more specific

By readytoamputatemyfeet - 30/06/2013 23:00 - United States - Winter Springs

Today, my shoe fell apart a few minutes after I got to work. I called my boyfriend and asked him to bring me the "pretty black pair" in my closet. What did he bring? Black stilettos. I'm a waitress with an eight-hour shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 565

You deserved it 32 211

By sicksicksick - 19/06/2013 17:23 - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have pink eye in both eyes, the stomach virus, and a cold. I'm also sitting at work because my boss "doesn't believe in sick days." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 674

You deserved it 3 682

Time wasted

By theunborn - 19/06/2012 16:42 - France - Vic-fezensac

Today, my parents made a list of all the things they could have done had I not been born. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 881

You deserved it 3 575

By Unhappymothersday - 17/05/2012 20:41 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to the sound of my car being stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 537

You deserved it 2 179

Prevention

By CalyenaL - 13/05/2012 01:35 - Mexico - Tijuana

Today, I'm found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I spoke at length about how we were going to handle things, which included him "forbidding" me from having an epidural, because he doesn't want our baby to "come out addicted to drugs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 823

You deserved it 3 195

By Anonymous - 10/07/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month had to leave early. I asked him why and he replied that his brother was getting off the bus and he needed to feed him. I had never met his brother, and I said "He can't feed himself? What is he, retarded?" He is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 482

You deserved it 93 911

Life advice

By Anonymous - 13/08/2014 15:19 - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, my professor told everyone that he thinks all med students should be required to get a catheter and an enema at least once in their lives so they can relate to their patients, saying, "Gentlemen, it might change your lives." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 309

You deserved it 7 325

By latinalocks - 20/06/2014 04:59 - United States

Today, while working in a call center at a university, someone threatened to report me to the President of the University because "I" wouldn't accept their daughter who had a 1.5 GPA and "got accepted into Harvard". I don't even make the decisions, I just answer calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 170

You deserved it 3 785

latinalocks tells us more.

latinalocks 10

Saturday 21 June 2014 8:36

The parent reported me to my supervisor, my super proceeded to pull the recorded tape of the call and took my side. Faith in humanity restored!

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, as I was going to bed, I spotted a man staring at my window from a neighbor's yard. Ten minutes later, he was still there. I freaked out, started crying, and contemplated calling the cops. My creeper turned out to be the neighbor's wooden lawn ornament. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 464

You deserved it 37 416

Today, I finished working a week's overtime managing admin, stock, finances, and three members of staff. I realised that despite all my extra work, I actually earn less per hour than the students who only work on the weekends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 986

You deserved it 2 761

Today, while in class, I was called down to the office. The principal showed me a video of two guys fighting in the school parking lot. I'm accused of being one of those guys. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 839

You deserved it 2 263

Today, I had a surprise visitor at my place. A guy I was talking to a few months back. He said he was down my way getting gas and thought he’d stop by. He lives more than 45 minutes from my place, in the opposite direction, with about 20 gas stations between us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 301

You deserved it 216

Today, I had a big job interview on Zoom. I forgot my name was set as "Fat F***". I joined the call and the older lady interviewing me was very offended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 249

You deserved it 1 546

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go out and that I'd be back later. He asked where I was going. "To see my other boyfriend," I chuckled, smiling. He took it seriously and wouldn't believe it was just a joke. I'm pretty sure I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 458

You deserved it 10 134