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Dirty mind

By Anonymous - 27/10/2012 19:28 - Germany - Nuremberg

Today, I saw a folder on my son's PC named "PussyPictures". I sat him down for a talk, only to be told they contained pictures of the James Bond character Pussy Galore, for his essay about sexism in movies. He's now mocking me for "having a dirty mind". FML

agreeclassic 11 577

vote type 1 38 638

By yarhyun1 - 19/08/2012 16:00 - United States

Today, I realized just how messed up my life is, thanks to all the scare stories my wife sees on Dr Phil. She's now convinced that I'll start beating her someday. She's started taking martial arts classes, and threatens to use her skills every time I get even slightly frustrated with her. FML

agreeclassic 30 353

vote type 1 2 553

By sissydlk - 02/12/2010 15:54 - United States

Today, my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. FML

agreeclassic 40 309

vote type 1 10 383

By Anonymous - 06/08/2011 21:34 - United States

Today, in one fell swoop, my testicles and spirits were simultaneously crushed into submission by the girl I like. FML

agreeclassic 31 133

vote type 1 4 895

By Anonymous - 17/07/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML

agreeclassic 9 440

vote type 1 90 854

By ZAS - 15/06/2009 07:45 - United States

Today, my mom and I rented a hotel room. She decided to go to bed, while I watched MythBusters. Apparently, my mom got hot while she slept. She threw the covers off of herself and pulled up her night-gown. I turned to find out that my mother does not wear underwear when she sleeps. FML

agreeclassic 58 079

vote type 1 4 053

By Anonymous - 09/11/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I was cheering up the girl I've been in love with for years. She was having one of those, "I'm ugly, no one wants to be with me" days. To cheer herself up, she said to me, "If you were a hot guy, you'd date me, right?" FML

agreeclassic 45 402

vote type 1 4 384

By ugly - 10/07/2011 06:03 - United States

Today, a total stranger on the bus called me hideous and threw a soda in my face. I only asked him if the seat next to him was taken. FML

agreeclassic 37 198

vote type 1 3 516

By Patrick R - 09/06/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, my co-worker finally gave me a check for the money he owes me. In the memo line, he wrote "for swallowing". Now I have to go cash it. FML

agreeclassic 40 192

vote type 1 7 004

By Anonymous - 14/01/2013 17:58 - United States - Arlington

Today, while I was having sex, he stopped, looked at me all seriously and said, "Permission to climax, ma'am?" FML

agreeclassic 50 030

vote type 1 10 035

By Anonymous - 21/11/2013 22:30 - United States - Auburn

Today, my neighbor finally password-protected his wifi. Right in the middle of my timed, online exam. FML

agreeclassic 30 039

vote type 1 95 824

By et510 - 20/07/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, after work, I parked in the parking lot I go to every day to let heavy traffic go by. As I was about to leave, two cops suddenly yanked me out of the car and arrested me for "stocking," as they spelled it on the report. Some paranoid girl thought I was parking there every day to watch her. FML

agreeclassic 48 667

vote type 1 3 755

et510 app_comment_confession_title

et510 0

Tuesday 21 July 2009 0:27

It was a parking lot for a grocery store. My car is a beige '82 300D Mercedes. I don't think it looks that suspicious. I've never been in a car accident in my whole entire life, then when I moved to Georgia, I was in 3 within my first year living here. I didn't cause any of them. If that happened to you, you'd understand why I park in a parking lot to let the traffic go by. I know it sounds shady, but after I explained this to you, does it still sound shady? Apparently the cops think so.

By Asterisk1009 - 29/06/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents that I'm gay. My mom said "Yeah, we know." When I asked how they knew, my dad, without looking up from the tv, said, "We've been monitoring your Internet history." FML

agreeclassic 50 676

vote type 1 17 090

Who am I? Who are you?

By Maria - 20/08/2012 13:25 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, a stranger came up to me with a flirty smile, greeted me by my name, and asked if I remembered him. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't remember, so I asked him to tell me. He promptly left with a disappointed look. He was the most gorgeous person I've ever seen. FML

agreeclassic 36 840

vote type 1 7 688

By OopsMonkey - 13/09/2011 13:43 - Netherlands

Today, for the 5th day in a row, I had to keep my 7-year-old home from school and search his poop because he "forgot" he's not supposed to swallow things like, in this case, a screw that fell off his scooter. FML

agreeclassic 28 047

vote type 1 4 224

By Anonymous - 23/06/2012 14:23 - Canada

Today, I told my girlfriend I love her for the first time. She said, "Thanks." FML

agreeclassic 30 841

vote type 1 3 986

By JPTK - 17/06/2012 16:08 - United Kingdom - Newark

Today, my best friend and I broke up with our respective girlfriends, so we could go on holiday and meet lots of new women. Instead, within a few hours, he got back with his ex, and they're planning their own holiday together. FML

agreeclassic 8 783

vote type 1 59 585

JPTK app_comment_confession_title

JPTK 1

Monday 18 June 2012 11:50

OP CLARIFICATION TIME!!!!! A *month* ago, me and my ex broke up as I was moving away, 3 days later she got drunk and had rebound sex with some guy. Talking to my best mate, he said we should go on a lads holiday around Europe to get over our exs etc. (He broke up with his around the same time). Y'know - meet some girls, work on our tan, drinks on the beach, you know the drill! Yesterday, when we were supposed to book, he told me he had to pull out as he'd gotten back with his ex and wanted to go on holiday with her. That is why FML.

By :( - 27/01/2014 22:31 - Algeria

Today, I woke up after a night out partying only to find I'd wet the bed. I was so ashamed that I rolled my girlfriend into it to avoid taking the blame. FML

agreeclassic 23 279

vote type 1 62 423