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Michael here... I had to introduce the new girlfriend to the exwife when I picked up my kid. My exwife didn't want my son spending the weekend with me and her if she didn't meet her. They did end up sharing things about me. However they claim that if I think that's all they talked about that I'm really conceded. I think I'm more paranoid than conceded, though.

By Anonymous - 01/10/2011 06:48 - Australia

Today, I learned no matter how much your friends pressure you, you must never snort lines of curry powder. FML

agreeclassic 9 338

vote type 1 67 452

Avalanches app_comment_confession_title

Avalanches 9

Saturday 1 October 2011 14:18

I cried.

Dumbass idea

By Caeru - 21/06/2011 07:08 - United States

Today, my mother tried to tell me that nicotine is the only substance that ensures weight loss, and that nicotine has been passed down in our family for over 5 generations of heavy smoking relatives. Then she encouraged me to start smoking. FML

agreeclassic 46 207

vote type 1 3 610

By NoSpirit - 01/11/2012 08:20

Today, in the spirit of Halloween and to get back at a child who repeatedly pressed the doorbell until I showed up, I quickly opened the door and yelled "Boo!" The child ended up being carried away crying with wet pants by a mother threatening to sue. FML

agreeclassic 33 063

vote type 1 5 260

By Anonymous - 25/10/2010 16:24 - United States

Today, I found out that my 43 year-old wife has been having a cyber relationship with a 14 year-old kid on Halo. FML

agreeclassic 47 114

vote type 1 4 491

I'm a rebel, mom!

By SheenaL - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my son is going through a rebellious phase. He's taken to wearing leather and chains, listening to death metal music all day in his room alone, and screaming at me in public places. He was fired from his part-time job for swearing at customers. My son is 29 years old. FML

agreeclassic 48 240

vote type 1 13 926

Lingo

By Ethan - 09/03/2009 13:35 - Australia

Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I'd got her. She replied, "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home." I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace.' FML

agreeclassic 28 185

vote type 1 95 463

By Username - 03/02/2011 04:46

Today, I accidentally drank my sister's science project. Her science project consisted of taking a glass of orange juice and putting maggots in it to see if they would live. I thought it was just pulp. FML

agreeclassic 42 962

vote type 1 24 930

By englishclasshigh - 10/09/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, I was having a really bad day and told my friend at lunch about how stressed I was and he gave me his brownie to cheer me up. After school, he texted me "Did the brownies kick in?" Yes, they did, right in the middle of my English presentation. They were "funny" brownies. FML

agreeclassic 50 623

vote type 1 7 533

By wowthatwould - 04/12/2011 21:39 - United States

Today, I was watching porn when I heard my mom call for me. I closed my laptop right as she walked in my room. The sound, however, kept going. FML

agreeclassic 21 425

vote type 1 46 738

By insulted - 15/11/2011 17:48 - Canada

Today, I was denied membership to an all-women's gym. Why? Because "men are not permitted to join". I am and have always been female. FML

agreeclassic 41 131

vote type 1 3 976

Shut up!

By Beepbeepbeep - 01/09/2011 02:50 - United States

Today, I lost power. That didn't stop my house alarm from running on battery, loudly informing me in a British accent, "AC power disconnected. BEEP. AC power disconnected. BEEP." It's been going on for 5 hours and the battery takes a special screwdriver to remove. One we don't have. FML

agreeclassic 28 314

vote type 1 4 368

By omgwtf - 18/10/2009 15:32 - United States

Today, it was Homecoming. During the dance, I saw this mentally handicapped guy ask this pretty girl to dance. She said no. So I went over to him and asked him to dance. He replied that he only wanted to dance with "pretty girls" and I was not one. FML

agreeclassic 54 800

vote type 1 5 549

By Anonymous - 06/05/2011 18:09 - Saudi Arabia

Today, I locked myself in the bathroom and started spanking the ferret. I started to get really into it when my dad started pounding on the door and yelled, "Son, that's great staying power, but can you finish up already?" FML

agreeclassic 15 703

vote type 1 52 149

Gotta get that sweet sweet nicotine

By MCMB33 - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I caught my pregnant wife smoking. This is after I quit over a month ago to show her my support and be a good influence on our child. FML

agreeclassic 38 693

vote type 1 3 173

By Al - 10/03/2010 02:07 - United States

Today, while attempting a DIY pest removal, one of our tenants lit a skunk on fire. FML

agreeclassic 26 026

vote type 1 2 927

By Emily - 03/01/2013 06:42 - United States - Arlington

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me by writing on my bathroom mirror in Sharpie. What did he write? "Hi, I'm Emily. I'm fat, ugly, and now single." FML

agreeclassic 56 131

vote type 1 4 923

By yawning - 01/02/2011 20:14 - Australia

Today, I woke up at 3am to go to work. This will be my new routine from now on. FML

agreeclassic 33 963

vote type 1 9 887

IN A RUSH, SORRY

By Anonymous - 04/07/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend returned from a 2-month internship in New York. As I saw him exit the plane, I imagined him running to me and kissing/spinning me around passionately like in movies. He got closer and closer, and as I opened my arms to embrace him, he runs past me saying, "BRB, I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT." FML

agreeclassic 58 818

vote type 1 10 798

Creeped out

By emoney - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was walking out of my front door in the town where I intern. I live alone and know no one. As I'm locking the door, I see a golf ball wedged between my mat and step. I notice that there's writing on it so I pick it up to read, "You look hot when you sleep." FML

agreeclassic 78 652

vote type 1 3 776

By Paul Williams - 24/06/2011 19:17 - United States

Today, I had my first hockey game after being out with a shoulder injury. I ended up cracking my tail bone. FML

agreeclassic 34 384

vote type 1 4 478

By Sarah - 10/03/2009 17:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in Science class and to my surprise I felt my pants suddenly becoming warm and wet. I looked behind me to see that 4 boys from my class had inserted a small funnel into my exposed buttcrack and where pouring the melted butter from the experiment into that area. FML

agreeclassic 98 015

vote type 1 29 853

By -_- - 29/03/2011 02:22 - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my girlfriend, when out of nowhere, I was savaged and brutally humped into submission by a massive Great Dane. Not only did my girlfriend watch it all, but the dog's owner took the time to snap a few pictures with his phone. Neither bothered to help me. FML

agreeclassic 38 997

vote type 1 5 359

By imafrickenidiot - 08/03/2010 08:33 - France

Today, I was supposed to talk to my girlfriend's mom to ask permission to date her daughter but I chickened out. We've been together for almost a year, but have not been on a real date because I am too damn scared of her family. FML

agreeclassic 10 964

vote type 1 46 177

By embareassed - 20/01/2010 05:27 - United States

Today, I was riding my dorm elevator from the 5th floor to the 1st by myself. Since the elevator is really slow, I pulled my pants and underwear down just for kicks. Just then, the door opened to let a girl on at the 4th floor. FML

agreeclassic 6 694

vote type 1 86 016

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, my dad told me he has money set aside for when he has to bail me out of jail, because "it's bound to happen sooner or later." FML

agreeclassic 34 658

vote type 1 10 773

Today, I cleaned the two staircases at the hotel where I work. Five minutes later, someone complained they were dirty. Someone had dropped soda and got mud all over them. FML

agreeclassic 922

vote type 1 66

Today, I went to put a lasagna in the oven for dinner. I was greeted by a revolting scent of a chicken-soup and biscuits boxed dinner. The fridge apparently was too full for my brother to put it away inside, so he covered it up and forgot about it in the oven. We made that dinner two weeks ago. FML.

agreeclassic 23 423

vote type 1 2 208

Today, there are two cats in my basement that won't stop fighting. Loudly. I'm trying to sleep, if you don't mind. FML

agreeclassic 570

vote type 1 187

Today, my boss fired me because I "didn't get the right kind of coffee beans." FML

agreeclassic 27 094

vote type 1 3 848

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I learned that my favorite book series is coming to the end. I had to leave the store and sit in my car. FML

agreeclassic 41 191

vote type 1 9 077