almcf

Today, my brother woke me up by trying to light my bed on fire. FML

New isn't always good

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying something new. I ended up with a shard of glass in my back and a concussion. Don't have sex on a glass table. FML

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His father was completely wasted, his mom was high, and his 11-year-old sister was talking about her favorite alcoholic drinks at the dinner table. FML

Thanks, I guess…

Today, I got undressed in front of my boyfriend for the first time. His reaction? "You're chubbier than I expected." FML

Today, my little brother walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex and threatened to tell my parents. I paid him $30 to keep quiet. 15 minutes later he told them. FML