Who Askin'?, Yo' Bitness 27 years-old Single
Today, I saw a girl walking to class by herself. I thought she was weird for not having any friends to walk with. Thats when I realized I was eating lunch by myself. In my car. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend's crazy ex, who let herself in with her old key. She screamed at me to get out of "her" bed, snatched "her" blanket off of my body, and finally dragged the bed itself out the door. I was still in it. FML
Today, I was at my Muay Thai class. We were doing a combination which consisted of a low kick, body kick and head kick. My partner had already done the low kick so I held the pads for the body kick. He kicked me straight in the jaw. I'm a teenage girl and he's a fully grown man. FML
Today, my boyfriend of three years saw baby wipes in my bathroom and assumed I had a kid. He broke up with me. I use baby wipes to take off my makeup. FML
Today, I learnt that the people I work with dislike me so much that they have a competition to see who can accidentally hurt me the most. How did I find out? A chef poured boiling water over my hands, and another shouted "50 POINTS!" FML
Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he can't keep an erection while we have sex is that I'm not attractive enough. FML
Today, I ran into my boyfriend. The same guy that told me he was still in Florida with his family. FML
Today, I found out that my husband was trying to cheat on me while I was away at basic training. I signed up for the service to pay off his debt. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were driving around town in his car. To my surprise he took me out to lunch. As we were leaving, a girl walks up and asks if he had room for one more for a ride, sadly he only has two seats in his car. Guess who had to walk! FML
Today, I found out that my overprotective parents hired a private investigator a month ago, who since then has been watching my perfectly normal boyfriend, in case he "tries to rape or kill" me. We're both 25 years old. FML
Today, it was really hot in my house so I pulled my shorts down so I was just in my boxers. My family and I were watching TV and I got a spontaneous erection. When I discreetly tried to pull my shorts back up, my penis flipped out of my boxers. FML
Today, a cute girl sat down next to me on the bus. She looked up at me, and then moved to the back. FML
Today, my dad finally told me why he never paid child support to my mom when he was supposed to for the last ten years. His reason? Because I'm a girl and I wasn't that important. FML
Today, I learned I was adopted and that my parents had died in a car accident when I was really young. My girlfriend was sitting next to me when I got the news, and several hours later broke up with me in a text stating, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have real parents." FML
Today, at work, there is a rumor going around that I'm gay. Somewhat curious at how did this start, I asked a co-worker. He said I was seen 3 days ago at a mall holding hands with someone who looks like a guy from behind. Three days ago, I was at the mall with my girlfriend. FML
Today, a kid came Trick-or-Treating at my house. When I told her it was still one more day until Halloween, and that I didn't have any candy, she wound-up her fist, punched me in the groin, and ran off laughing. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for Christmas. He then told me that he would only tell me if I promised not to get mad, so I agreed. He told me that he wants me to start working out because I'm getting fat. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if there's a reason why he has never gone down on me. He responded, "Your back door is too close to your front door and it creeps me out." FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, in the bathroom. I noticed a pregnancy test in the trash can. He lives alone. FML
Today, I was released from jail. I had helped a three year old girl get up after falling on a wet floor at the mall last night when the security guards tasered me. Only this morning did they tell me they had mistaken me for a child molester that looks a little bit like me. FML
Today, I got a text from a girl that I've had a crush on for a long time, asking me out to dinner. I agreed and went to the restaurant. Not long afterwards, I got text from her saying something had come up, so she couldn't make it. As I was walking back to my car, I saw her walk into the same restaurant with another guy. FML
Today, I had to present a powerpoint in front of my class. When I was finished, no one clapped. On my way back to my seat, I slipped on a pencil and fell straight on my face. That's when everyone clapped. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not letting her keep the 75 cents that she stole from my truck. FML
Today, I was answering a text from one of my students asking me if they could retake a test. I thought I'd texted back, "No, you can't." Auto correct had used a more frequently used word: "No, you cunt." FML
Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML
Today, my boyfriend of nearly two years broke up with me because he's sick of me being annoyed at him. Why am I annoyed at him? Because he wants to go and spend a week with his ex. FML
Today, at 2 in the morning, my water broke. I called my mom and woke her up to come watch our older kid, while my husband and I went to the hospital. After being tested at the hospital, I was told I had just peed myself. FML
Today, I just bought a car with all of my own money. Then, when I brought it home my dad informed me that my mom will be driving it to work every day. FML
Today, while at work, I suddenly went into diabetic shock. As I was nearly passed out on the floor, a customer yelled at me for not getting his coffee in time. FML
Today, after being in love with one of my best friends for ages, he took me on a date. We then went back to his place and we made love. Afterwards, he told me he wanted to show me something and led me outside. He ran back in and locked the door. It's a two hour walk home. FML
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