Single
Today, my fiancé was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML
Today, I was with my boyfriend, and things were getting pretty heated. Trying to be sexy, I told him that every time we touched was a guilty pleasure. He rolled off of me, and said "Oh, you're married too?" FML
Today, I went to the movies. Not only did the movie end up being awful, but I came to my car to find out someone drew Squidward from SpongeBob, with large letters spelling, "I LIKE POTATOES!" on my windshield. In permanent marker. FML
Today, I turned eighteen. Thinking I was going to get a big present from my parents on this special day, I eagerly unwrapped my present. They got me a bag of M and M's. Last year I got flannel bed sheets. FML
Today, I invited my boss and his family over for dinner. As usual, I bought his kids Christmas' presents, nothing too fancy though. This year, he had one more that wasn't here last year. So I just pulled something from under the tree to hand him. He opened it on the spot. It was my son's PS3. FML
Today, my teacher compared the female reproductive system to Shrek's head. Never again will I be able to watch the movies. FML
Today, my niece offered me a slice of cake. After I refused, she asked, "Why not? Aren't fat people always hungry?" FML
Today, I was fired from my job. The reason? My boss didn't feel comfortable paying his son's girlfriend. FML
Today, after wondering why I didn't receive a grade for a summer course I took in 2007, I realized that I gave the professor the wrong student ID number. Someone else received credit. I've been waiting on this grade for 8 months in order to graduate. FML
Today, I was rushed to the hospital because I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. Why was I crying? My favorite anime character died. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend watching a home made sex tape he had previously made with his ex-girlfriend. What's worse than him jerking off to it? He was crying and hugging a pillow. FML
Today, I saw a video of me from over the weekend, naked, pretending to be a duck. What the fuck happened that night? FML
Today, I found out that we have six skunks under my shed. While I was mowing the lawn, they all came out and sprayed me. FML
Today, I went to a party. No one there was under 60. I'm 16 and it was the only party I've been to all year. FML
Today, my boyfriend of three months texted me saying he loves me. I excitedly started texting back, "I love you too." Before I even got done, he messaged again saying, "Can you send a pic of your tits to me now?" FML
Today, I went to bed with three hot, half-naked girls beneath me. I was in the bunk above. Alone. FML
Today, I downloaded porn and saved it on my desktop. After watching it, I couldn't delete it, and now it is stuck on the desktop. It is a shared computer. FML
Today, while I was working at childcare, I asked a two year-old not to hit. He threw a bucket at me, which bounced off my forehead. FML
Today, I learned that making an illegal U-turn right after you see a cop doing one will not stop said cop from ticketing you. FML
Today, I got so nervous that I actually peed my pants during a job interview. FML
Today, I received an overdue bill for my now nonexistent car that caught fire in July. FML
Today, I called my boss and said, "I have been awake since 3 a.m. throwing up." He replied, "Great, see you at 9." and hung up. FML
Today, I asked out a girl I like to a movie. She said "I hate babysitting." FML
Today, my 15 year-old daughter got kicked out of her cheerleading squad because she was overweight. I heard one of the cheerleaders say, "She must be overweight because her mom is." FML
Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML
Today, I had to give a 63 year old man a shot. He started bawling before I even brought out the needle. I tried to get him calm down. Then he grabbed the needle, threw it at me and ran out the door. FML
Today, I learned how unhappy my husband is in our marriage. Apparently he also can't find a good woman. We didn't have a heart-to-heart, I read his woes in a blog. FML
Today, a man came up to me and punched me in the face. He turned out to be the guy my ex-girlfriend cheated on me with. Apparently, she told him we broke up because I used to beat her. FML
Today, I helped an elderly lady unscrew the cooling tank's cap from her smoking car. My reward? A scalding shower of toxic, pungent antifreeze that erupted moments after removing said cap. She didn't even thank me. FML
Today, my mom still hasn't gotten over the novelty of our brand new microwave. We've been eating hot pockets for nearly a week now. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
