39 years-old Single
Today, I went from a party where both of my girlfriends decided to show, to a hospital bed with no girlfriends and a painful left testicle. FML
Today, I got dumped during sex. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML
Today, I called work crying, telling them that I wouldn't be able to go to work tomorrow due to my grandmother's sudden and tragic death. After hanging up, I walked into the midnight release of Grand Theft Auto 5. I had no idea my boss was also an avid gamer. FML
Today, I helped my brother propose to his girlfriend of 5 years in the spot where they had first met. As he delivered his heartfelt speech, a sizable crowd appeared. When he got down on one knee, she punched him in the gut, yelled, "I never loved you", and ran away. Now he won't talk to me. FML
Today, my husband wanted me to "spice up" our sex life. I guess he didn't count on me vomiting when he came in my mouth. We won't be getting intimate again for a long, long time now. FML
Today, my alcoholism reached a new low when I found myself sitting on the toilet drinking a bottle of wine. FML
Today, while riding the bus, the person next to me broke into a coughing fit. Fortunately, he covered his mouth. Unfortunately, he used my arm. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via Snapchat. FML
Today, I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with another man. Her main reaction was to get mad at me for not knocking. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend out to eat at a diner where my friend works. My friend was our waiter but too busy to talk much. He texted me after we'd left to tell me that my girlfriend had slipped him her number. FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate whacking off to clown porn. FML
Today, even though I don't necessarily believe in soul mates, I found out my wife does. She met hers a few weeks ago. FML
Today, my gran came over for dinner, for which I had to go grab some supplies from the supermarket. I guess I should have locked my laptop, because when I came back, I found my gran had used my Facebook account to propose to my now-ecstatic girlfriend. FML
Today, I found out that my controlling, verbally abusive ex-boyfriend from nearly four years ago is still obsessed with me. Apparently, he's told everyone back home that he and I are getting married as soon as I finish college. We haven't spoken in over two years. FML
Today, I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. She responded by breaking into my place and stabbing my hamster with a fork. FML
Today, I went with my boyfriend to his church youth group for the first time. I found out a girl there likes him, when she decided to pull me off him while we were hugging, and take my place. FML
Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend, who's already made two threats against my life, informed me that she now has a concealed carry permit. FML
Today, as I was walking home, a car drove through a puddle and splashed me like in a cheesy movie. As if that wasn't annoying enough, the driver had to pull over because she was laughing too hard. FML
Today, I woke up, got dressed, and left for the 1 hour drive to the nearest vet. When I arrived, I realized that I left my cat in its carrier on my kitchen counter. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went to the doctor's for an ultrasound, as I'm 7 months pregnant. Then he went home and took his wife out to dinner for her birthday. FML
Today, my boyfriend won a diamond engagement ring through a citywide competition. Instead of proposing to me, he's selling it. FML
Today, I called my dad to let him know some details for my wedding had changed. It would have been really nice if he had paused the porno I could clearly hear in the background. FML
Today, my fiancé's best friend, who will be our best man at our wedding, decided to confess his feelings for me and tell me how he's always dreamed of us eloping together. The wedding is going to be awkward. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that I have the bad habit of not doing the dishes before he has his daily piss in the sink. FML
Today, my mom let me stay home from school, because I was sick. We both agreed not to tell my dad, since he's adamant that I never miss even one day of school. A few hours after my mom left for work, he came back home, with another woman. FML
Today, my boyfriend sent me a nude picture. I would have been fine with it if he hadn't taken it in his ex-girlfriend's room. FML
Today, I finally got my driver's permit. To celebrate, my parents decided to go to a bar and make me wait in the car because I'm now the designated driver. FML
Today, I found out that when my boyfriend jokingly talks about his other girlfriend, he isn't actually joking. FML
Today, I found out through one of my friends that my boyfriend cheated on me. He says it doesn't count as cheating because he couldn't get it up. FML
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