MrsKent123

Today, my drunken father decided to walk my quiet street naked. FML

Good boy

Today, I got a call from my five-year-old son's principal. My son had pooped in the schoolyard, then gave the teacher a Ziploc bag, and commanded her to pick it up. He said he was trying to imitate our dog. FML

Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML

Today, I got a call from my 8 year-old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years confessed that at first, she'd only dated me to get her friend jealous, and that even now, she "only kind of liked" me. I bought a ring only a few days ago, and was planning on proposing to her. FML

Today, I came home from a week-long vacation, only to find my mother-in-law didn't just dog-sit while I was gone; she moved in, along with all her possessions, and seems to think it's a permanent deal. FML

Nice try, chief

Today, while discussing having sex for the first time with my boyfriend, I asked what method of birth control we should use. He replied, "Anal." FML

Today, my husband told me that he's letting his mother move in with us. He told her it was alright without even consulting me first. I hate my mother-in-law so much that I'm contemplating divorce rather than living with her. FML

Today, my mother-in-law visited the house while my husband and I were at work. When we returned, we discovered she'd shredded and thrown away all the scribbled on papers sprawled on our messy desks. We're graphics designers. Those were rough sketches for about 14 different clients. FML

How very dare you?

Today, I met my husband's old high school sweetheart. My mother-in-law introduced me to her as "one of my son's friends." We've been married for over eight years. FML

Today, after being terrified for years, I went on a plane for the first time. It was also the first time I "emergency landed." FML

Meddling

Today, my obnoxious mother-in-law berated me in front of my husband's family for still working while pregnant. She says I'm harming the baby by not quitting. I'm only four months pregnant and I work as a nurse at a hospital. FML

Oh no…

Today, I found out that my mother-in-law is house hunting in my town. There is a house for sale two doors down from me. In her price range. FML

Today, my future mother-in-law gave me advice on life. One piece of advice was that I should leave her son. FML

Today, I was talking with my uncle, when the subject of my abusive mother-in-law came up. He assured me he'd talk to her and straighten things out. Apparently this means posting on her Facebook wall threatening to "pimp-slap a bitch" if she doesn't get her "fat ass out of family business". FML

Today, I was woken up at 6am to the sound of my mother on the back deck of the house hooting like an owl. FML

Today, I was called a "whore," a "demon," a "piece of shit," and a "disrespectful bitch." All of this happened because I wouldn't let my mother-in-law borrow my car. This is a woman with multiple speeding tickets. FML

Today, my mother-in-law moved into my wife's two-bedroom apartment. She's quite possibly the reincarnation of Hitler himself, and she'll be staying until this time next year. FML

Today, when I excitedly announced to my mother-in-law that I was pregnant, she looked at me with a blank expression and asked me who the father was. She's 45. She's not senile or suffering from dementia, but apparently just suffering from being a chronic bitch. FML

Today, an intoxicated homeless man tried to chase me out of a McDonald's because he thought I was President Obama. I'm a 26-year-old white woman. FML

Today, my husband thought it would be "funny" to put laxatives in the cakes for my son's 7th birthday party. Over 40 kids came to the party. FML

Today, I realized that my husband and I are at that point in our marriage where "sleeping together" means scooting closer to each other in the bed. FML

Today, my mother-in-law thought it would be appropriate to give my five-year-old daughter some bedclothes with the Playboy logo all over them. FML

Today, I had to yet again tell my mother-in-law that I wasn't going to name my unborn baby "Ermintrude" after her late mother. My husband told me to stop being difficult, and that he agrees that it would be nice. FML

Today, I had to bail on yet another date with an awesome guy. Every time I make a date, my hateful mother slips laxatives into my food so I'm glued to the shitter until 2am. This is the fourth time. FML

Demented

Today, my crazy mother-in-law threatened to camp out outside my house so she will "never get left out" of our lives, all because we called instead of sending a written invitation to my three-year-old's birthday party. I actually believe she's crazy enough to do it. FML

Today, my 6-year-old son pooped in the back yard and used a stick to throw it over the fence into my neighbor's yard. FML

Today, just for old time's sake, I decided to jump on my bed. I ended up hitting my head on the spinning fan and knocking myself unconscious. FML

Today, I was talking to my future mother-in-law about my upcoming wedding. She told me that I wasn't allowed to have the wedding at a church, nor wear a white dress, nor have roses for flowers, because that would mean I'd be "copying" her. FML

Air filters

Today, my mother-in-law moved in because she has a hip problem. I don't know what's worse, her constant complaining and slob like tendencies, or the eight cats she brought along with her. FML