musicgirl0166

Today, my mother was watching me play Pokémon. She walked over to the TV and pulled the plug before ranting about how shameful it is that her 17 year old daughter plays Pokémon. She then sat down at the computer and started playing Farmville. FML

Today, a friend told me over MSN that her father had died. Trying to express some solidarity, I went to send her a tearful smiley. I accidentally sent her the dancing pig animation instead. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my family. The night consisted of my sisters hiding in a tent and chasing us around in it, my parents singing songs from 'The Lion King' opera-style and throwing cheese at him. Pretty sure he's freaked out. FML

Today, I came home with a friend to find my mom scratching my dad's butt with a fork. FML

Today, I came home to my fiancé and his mates playing Monopoly naked in our backyard. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he feels empty inside when I'm not in the kitchen. This is the most romantic thing he has said to me in the past two years. FML

Today, I walked in on my sister sitting on the toilet, trying to use "The Force" to pull over the toilet paper roll sitting on the sink. FML

Today, my dad created a new rule: It isn't old until there's mold. FML

Today, my crush grabbed my butt while I was walking up the stairs. In surprise I farted. He won't even look me in the eyes now. FML

Today, I was walking to the bus stop when someone slapped an innocent person in the face with a fish. I was that innocent person. FML

Today, my girlfriend hummed the Jeopardy theme while I was trying to undo her bra. FML

Today, I had to slowly explain to my daughter why her Facebook profile isn't a valid piece of ID. FML

Today, I was kicked out of a comedy club for laughing too loudly. FML

Today, I fell and sprained my ankle while trying to step into my underwear. FML

Bad breakup idea

Today, my boyfriend ended our relationship. He called me from his mobile phone, claimed to be a trauma surgeon, and told me with a bad German accent that my "boyfriend" had been in a fatal car crash earlier in the day. What the hell is wrong with this idiot? FML

Today, the mailman delivered my new phone to my neighbour's house. This was okay, because he left a note in my mailbox informing me so. Now my crazy neighbour won't give me the package because, "*I* signed for it!" FML

Today, a drunk man wearing a sandwich-board proclaiming that, "The end is nigh" threw some so-called holy water at me while bellowing, "It's what Jesus would've wanted" and that I should "repent for being an evil shite." FML

Today, I got stuck in a three-hour traffic jam because I sneezed and missed the road I was meant to take. FML

Today, a kid I taught to swim became my new boss, at the pool that I have worked at for nine years. FML

Hangry

Today, I was so broke I went to Costco, not to buy anything, but to eat their free food samples. FML

Today, I couldn't find my hairbrush anywhere; I ended up having to brush my hair with a fork. FML

Today, I saw my reflection in the computer screen and I thought I looked quite nice. I tried to take a screenshot. FML

Today, I said to my boyfriend that he makes the same noises when he smells bacon as he does when we have sex. Now everytime we have sex, he whispers "Bacon..." in my ear. FML

Today, I was given a lapdance by a pregnant stripper. FML

Today, my 24-year-old brother tried to convince me that Hogwarts is real, because there is no way a person could have written that based on imagination. My parents agreed with him. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a restaurant in front of a lot of people. Once I said yes, some guy yelled out, "SEX. SEX. SEX." My boyfriend yelled back, "LATER!" FML

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

Today, in a drunken state, I decided that it would be a good idea to shave with a pizza cutter. FML

Today, after a long night of partying, I fell asleep, while my bride was delivering her vows. FML

Today, my grandmother saw me for the first time in years. "Not all your clothes have to be as tight as condoms, you tramp," is probably the nicest greeting she's ever given me. FML