jamaviper91

Today, I asked the girl I like to send me "yummy pictures." I got a picture of cheesecake. FML

Today, I was so drunk that I gave my mom's number instead of mine to the really cute guy I met at the bar. FML

Today, I drunk texted a guy I like. We'd met at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. FML

Lightweight

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough. FML

Today, I told my husband that I wanted him to stay sober during the week. He responded by saying he wanted me to be a supermodel during the week. FML

Today, my boyfriend preferred to delete his account than admit we are in a relationship on Facebook. FML

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML

Today, my boyfriend went and bought Skyrim, Modern Warfare 3 and renewed his WoW subscription. Looks like I won't be getting laid for a month or two. FML

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML

Today, like every other day, my boss referred to my breasts as pillows he needs to nap on. FML

Today, while riding back from a weekend away with my boyfriend, we crashed his motorbike, resulting in us getting thrown over a barbed wire fence into a forest. I woke up in hospital. Apparently, in his adrenaline rush, he climbed back on his bike and continued his trip, forgetting all about me. FML

Today, I didn't have plans on shaving my pubic hair. My girlfriend's braces thought otherwise. FML