Mr London, United Kingdomshire
Today, a 32 year-old man I've been dating for a few months finally took me to his place. To my surprise, this bachelor had a huge and very clean home. Also, to my surprise, I met the REAL homeowner. His grandmother, who came home early. We were having sex on her couch at the time. FML
Today, I jokingly told my mom that I was having sex with my Professor. Her response was, "As long as you're getting A's, honey!" FML
Today, My mom walked in on me and my 2 year crush about to have sex. When she saw us she said "oh I'll just wait outside, I know it wont be long anyway." FML
Today, at a party I told this guy that I really liked his pirate costume. Turns out he wasn't wearing a costume, his eye was shot out with a BB gun. This explains the eye patch. FML
Today, I got an email from my professor with my grade for a paper. It said, "Solid writing, but you should have proofread your final draft more carefully." In a moment of annoyance, I typed in the reply box, "God should have proofread your FACE more carefully." My elbow hit the send button. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was 25 cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML
Today, I was telling my mom that I was really nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Her response, "Oh don't worry, it's not like it's the first time you've spread your legs!" FML
Today, I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner and the bars. One of my friends asked to see my ID. He noticed my birthday didn't make me over 21. I paid $170 for a fake ID with my real birthday. FML
Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML
Today, at my softball game, there was one spot left for center field. The coach had to choose between me or the girl who forgot her glasses and was blind without them. He chose her. FML
Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim, and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier, I realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go, "Don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML
Today, my parents met my boyfriend's parents for the first time… while they were bailing us out of jail. FML
Today, I saw my mom sneaking meat into her spaghetti sauce. She told me she sneaks meat into most of the food she cooks. I've been a vegetarian for 8 years. FML
Today, my sister had a friend over and I had just gotten out of the shower. I wrapped something around me and walked across the living room. When I walked through, they both started laughing hysterically. Turns out I'd grabbed a poncho and the hole for the head ended up right over my crotch. FML
Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend masturbating so I said to her, "Need a hand with that?" to which she replied "I'm doing fine here on my own, don't ruin it." FML
Today, I stayed home, sick in bed. I had been sleeping on my arms. I got up quickly to grab the phone. My numb left arm rocketed and punched me in the (now cut) lip, which threw me off balance, making me smash my (now bloody) nose off of the headboard. It was a telemarketer. FML
Today, I asked a very cute fireman for his number, "just in case I needed him to come to my rescue." He told me, "Yeah, sure!" and scribbled it down. After he walked away, I read his note, which read: "911". FML
Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze. Unable to hold it, I sneezed and hit my head on a metal beam supporting the urinal. In complete disarray, I had to step back from the urinal while pissing and managed to spray the floor, the wall, and the person next to me. FML
Today, my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie when he started kissing me. Things heated up so we moved things over to his bed. He was on me when a hand shoots down from his top bunk. His roommate had been up there the whole time and he wanted a high-five. So they high-fived. FML
Today, my hard drive on my computer crashed with all of my files on it. I took it to my Dad, who is a computer analyst, to see if he could recover anything. The only thing that he could salvage was my illustrious collection of porn. FML
Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box saying, "Love, mom." FML
Today, I sent out a note to 300 friends saying that I'm having a birthday party in a couple of weeks. I asked to please write back if they are interested in coming. Two people replied. They said they can't make it. FML
Today, my parents gave me a shirt from Banana Republic for my birthday. It looked like one I had bought for myself a couple of days earlier but I thanked them and went to hang it in my closet. An empty hanger hung where I placed the shirt I had purchased. They gave me my shirt for my birthday. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend owns and wears more thongs than I do. FML
Today, my mom decided to give me relationship advice. She told me the key to a happy/successful relationship was "letting your man explore ALL your orifices." FML
Today, I farted in my cubicle thinking no one would smell it. Two seconds later, everyone came to my cubicle to wish me a happy birthday. FML
Today, in art class, we finally did the critique of the self portraits we've been working on for a month. We critiqued a few and got to mine. Everyone was silent then finally, one girl says "I'm just going to be blunt. It doesn't look like you. You're not that pretty." Everyone nodded. FML
Today, I was in an elevator with my girlfriend when it stuck mid-floor. Being supportive, I went to hug her and tell her we'd be OK. Today I also learned that my girlfriend is deathly claustrophobic and her predominant reaction is to vomit. In this case, all over me. We were stuck for 2 hours. FML
Today, I emailed my boyfriend from work. Out of habit, I absent-mindedly entered my department into the "From" field. My boyfriend didn't notice when he replied. Now my entire department knows I want to "drop to my knees and suck him when I get home." And he plans to "finish on my face." FML
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