Mr
Today, it was the first time I ever saw a vagina in person. It was during medical school training on how to do a pelvic exam. FML
Today, my company hired a new guy to help on our project. My boss said that he would shadow me for the whole day so he could learn our system. At the end of the day my boss fired me, handed my company car keys and laptop to my "shadow for the day" right in front of me. My Mom picked me up. FML
Today, I was talking to a guy at the bar and I told him I was a biology major. He promptly said, "NEXT" and moved on to the girl next to me. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling in bed. After looking at me for a while he said, "you look better when I'm not wearing my contacts". FML
Today, my crush talked to me for the first time. He told me to stop staring. FML
Today, a flight attendant asked me if I was airsick because I looked really pale. I told her that was my normal complexion but thanked her for her concern. She insisted, "No, that can't be normal." FML
Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML
Today, my mom and I were looking at pictures from the beach. She goes, "That is a REALLY ugly picture of Michelle" (my cousin). The picture was of me. FML
Today, I got my boyfriend a pair of concert tickets for his birthday. He loved the gift, but turned to me and said, "Do I have to bring you?" FML
Today, I texted this girl I really like and she didn't answer. She did about two hours later and it said, "Sorry, I was having sex at the time you texted me. So how are you?" FML
Today, my mother was driving me and my friends to a wedding. My friends and I were talking about birth control, and then my mother chimes in, "Yeah, I used to use the sponge, but the spermicide would always burn your dad's penis." FML
Today, I spent $20 on a spray tan, $30 to have my make up done, and $50 on a pretty new dress all for a special date with my boyfriend. It turns out I spent $100 just to get dumped. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a gift card for $32 to a local salon. I thought the amount was kind of random, but when I went in I saw that the bikini wax was $32. FML
Today, I got talking to a really hot guy at a party. He told me that he was only here because he heard the host would sleep with anyone, and he and his buddies had a bet going. It was my party. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom changing. She was trying on a thong my boyfriend bought me for Valentine's Day. It looks better on her. FML
Today, I told my parents I really missed them and wanted to come home for the weekend, as I haven't seen them in months. They told me that was a bad idea and they couldn't fit me into their schedule. I asked what their plans were. They said they didn't have any yet. FML
Today, the man I have been dating for 3 weeks, who told me he owns a high end restaurant in the city, handed me my lunch order through the drive-thru at Wendy's. FML
Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They apparently thought it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML
Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old girl and we were eating chocolate covered nuts. She kept on chewing the nuts and wondered where the chocolate was. I told her to taste the chocolate you suck on the nuts. Then her parents came home and the first thing she said was, "I learned how to suck nuts!" FML
Today, I called up the boy I like to ask him on a date. He said "Haha, thats a pretty good impression Chris. Next time pick someone less ugly and maybe I'd think this is real." He thought I was his friend prank calling him. FML
Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML
Today, it has been a year and a half since my boyfriend discovered online poker. Annoyed to see him spending every evening playing on his laptop, I threatened him: “Now honey, you have to choose. It’s your poker or me!” Answer: “You are bluffing!” FML
Today, I lost my third phone in a year, making it a grand total of 11 telephones lost or stolen in the past 3 years. FML
Today, I fell in love with a girl on the internet, she's great and funny. She says she's 16, but everyone keeps telling me she's only 11 and that I'm a pedophile. FML
Today, my boss called me in to tell me I had got a raise. I bought a $1500 Chanel bag. Two hours later he called me in to tell me he was kidding. FML
Today, I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites. I ended up meeting my own girlfriend. FML
Today, I woke up late, didn't shave, didn't have time to iron my clothes, didn't eat breakfast, and ran into the office with beads of sweat running down my face. The meeting had been cancelled. FML
Today, I was talking to a charming young lady on MSN by webcam. She suddenly asked me to take my glasses off for a minute; I did so, and she said, "Oh never mind, you're still just as ugly..." FML
Today, taking the train to work after the worst hangover ever, two immense fat women start talking about rim jobs. I got up to switch cabins just in time for their conversation to switch over to RECEIVING rim jobs. I sprayed puke all over myself and an innocent bystander. FML
Today, I went to the UK for the first time, and had the most amazing time with my girlfriend, catching it all on tape. When I got back to South America, I realized someone had stolen my camera. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
