Miss Single
Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML
Today, I dressed up for a date. After waiting for hours, sending countless texts and voice mails to my date, and thinking I'd been stood up, I remembered my date is actually scheduled for tomorrow. FML
Today, my morning sickness decided to show itself every time I smell coffee. I work at a coffee shop. FML
Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML
Today, I was house-sitting for some friends of my grandparents while they are out of town. While I was in the shower, the dog decided to take my dirty underwear and run. There is now a pair of lacy, black underwear hidden somewhere this giant house, and they return tomorrow. FML
Today, I caught myself staring at my grandmother's cleavage. FML
Today, things were getting heated between me and the guy I like, and we were about to have sex. I told him to turn the TV off so we can get started. His response? "But I like this show." FML
Today, my ex-husband officially became my stepdad. FML
Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to put my bra on. FML
Today, after years of secretly faking my orgasms, my husband gave me my first real one. Afterward was also the first time he ever accused me of faking it because, "It was different from all the other times." FML
Today, I cleaned my computer screen for the first time in ages. When I turned it on a few hours later, I spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out why the brightness was suddenly so painfully high. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went to a basketball game. A very pretty woman sat next to him. During the third quarter, the kiss cam came on. But it didn't show him and me, it showed him and the other girl. And they kissed. FML
Today, while driving my car near a farm, I hit a man on the side of the road. I started freaking out and got out of the car to help him. It was then that I found out that I'd hit a scarecrow. FML
Today, my girlfriend saw the name "Melissa" on my phone's contact list. After refusing to tell her who it was, she accused me of being a cheater, broke up with me and stormed out of my house. Melissa is the name of a woman from Craigslist who was going to sell me an antique engagement ring. FML
Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML
Today, I picked up my daughter from preschool. Her teacher handed me her nap blankets and mentioned there was an extra article of clothing I might want to take home. I looked in-between the blankets and saw a pair of my giant granny panties that had gotten mixed in with her stuff. FML
Today, I had to get stitches on my foot and was then forced to wear a plastic bag on my foot while showering. The plastic bag made me slip in the shower and had to go back and get stitches in my forehead. FML
Today, I was watching a boys volleyball team warming up, and I had my eye on one of them who was quite attractive. He sent the ball a little too far and it hit me in the face. He apologized, and I then for some reason replied with, "It's fine, I like balls in my face." FML
Today, my dad came to pick me up. It would have been nicer if he'd had his clothes on. FML
Today, I held up my best friend with a lighter shaped like a gun, and jokingly accused him of sleeping with my wife, only to have him admit that he really did. FML
Today, I found out that I've been calling my boyfriend's dad by the wrong name for the past two years. No one had told me sooner because they liked laughing at me for it when I wasn't around. FML
Today, I received a text from the guy I'm into, thanking me for helping him drunkenly stumble back to his apartment last night. He ended it with, "How long did you stay?" Apparently, he doesn't remember confessing his secret love for me, or the fantastic kiss that followed. FML
Today, I finally gained the nerve to ask out the girl of my dreams. She responded by saying, "You need to lower your standards." FML
Today, I started my job as one of those sign spinners. About an hour later, some people drove up, yelled, "Bitch, get off my corner," and threw water balloons at me. My boss made me keep working in the soaking wet outfit. FML
Today, I came home to find a note on my door from the neighbor saying, "I saw a coyote eat your dog, but was afraid it was rabid." FML
Today, my mother described what her ideal daughter-in-law should be like. Halfway through her description, fishing for some compliments, I told her that such a girl would be way above my league. She sighed and emphatically agreed. FML
Today, I found out that when I text my boyfriend, he isn't the one to read them. Instead, he pays his friend to "keep the bitch busy." FML
Today, I waited in the pouring rain for my wife to come pick me up from work. It was only after I was thoroughly drenched that I remembered it was my wife's day off, and that I drove myself to work earlier in her car, which was parked fifty feet from where I was waiting. FML
Today, at a grocery store, a man came up to me while I was picking out apples and whispered in my ear, "That's how Snow White died." FML
Today, I was having sex for the first time with a girl who wanted to be friends with benefits. Halfway through sex she noticed that I had the same tattoo as her brother, and had a full-on panic attack that lasted half-an-hour. FML
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