DerpSalad

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Derpsalad's favorite FMLs

By ineedalife - 02/02/2013 12:08 - Australia

Today, I got so lonely I decided to make sock puppets and play with them. I played for four hours straight, only to be interrupted by a phone call. I didn't answer because my sock puppets were "on a date" and I didn't want to stop playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 543

You deserved it 22 473

By Anonymous - 21/03/2013 10:43 - United States - Kalamazoo

Today, there was a new girl in one of my classes. We both corrected a classmate on his grammar, so, trying to make a new friend, I leaned back to her and said, "Haha, fellow Grammar Nazi?" She gave me a disgusted look and told me she was Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 371

You deserved it 21 857

Bunch of dorks

By leela - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a group of guys came into my restaurant, dressed up in some kind of role-playing game clothing. Apparently I pronounced one of their fake elf names wrong, because the guy complained to my manager, who then bitched me out in front of everyone for upsetting the customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 986

You deserved it 4 903

By tinypenis - 04/06/2013 12:15 - United States - Jamaica

Today, while sexting my girlfriend, I accidently sent a picture to her father instead of her. He sent back a link to a penis enlargement company's website. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 838

You deserved it 71 924

By ugh - 03/09/2013 23:53 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 776

You deserved it 40 950

Bad women's anatomy

By O-|---<=~ - 18/10/2013 23:01 - United States - Bellingham

Today, my otherwise lovely boyfriend of a month showed his true colors. He freaked out when he learned that I use tampons instead of pads. He yelled that using them is like cheating on him, because his penis is the only thing that should ever enter me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 972

You deserved it 5 687

By crixon42 - 18/11/2013 23:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I turned 30. While all my friends are getting married, furthering careers and having children, I'm still sat around being as immature as I was as a teenager. I'm going through a classic case of premature age-jaculation. I laughed for 10 minutes after coming up with that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 687

You deserved it 39 675

crixon42 tells us more.

crixon42 4

Wednesday 20 November 2013 13:20

OP here, love all you guys who appreciate the pun, and don't you all worry I do not live at home, I have a job and am not a serial sponger.

By claubea11 - 01/01/2014 05:17 - Puerto Rico - Ponce

Today, I decided to light a lantern and watch it fly with my girlfriend after midnight. The neighbor's tree caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 754

You deserved it 13 803

By Anonymous - 02/02/2014 17:33 - United States - Far Rockaway

Today, I was bitched out at 2 a.m. by my parents, for trying to "sneak out." I was sneaking out of my bedroom to take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 065

You deserved it 3 994

Dirty talk

By awkward - 22/02/2014 05:39 - United States

Today, I was having some kinky sex with my girlfriend. When I said "You've been a bad girl", she looked at me wide-eyed and asked very seriously, "What did I do?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 661

You deserved it 10 494

Gullible's travels

By Anonymous - 20/01/2015 00:45 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 15 year-old sister asked which animal rice comes from. She believed every word when my mum told her it's harvested from tiny cows in Asia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 604

You deserved it 2 804

By Anonymous - 03/05/2015 07:42 - United States - Annapolis

Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 466

You deserved it 5 076

By iamfab - 06/06/2015 05:52 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I asked my boyfriend to come hang out with me. He said he was busy and had to do homework. Since he never studies, I got suspicious and went to check up on him. I found him playing dress-up with his cat. He's 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 295

You deserved it 5 089

By Anonymous - 03/07/2015 19:29 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied by telling me to fuck off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 722

You deserved it 3 483

Cheer up!

By wintersoldier - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Austria

Today, while trying to comfort my little brother who just injured his leg, I tripped and sprained my ankle. At least he was amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 300

You deserved it 2 440

By Andrew - 14/07/2015 17:59 - United States - Blackwood

Today, I heard my ten-year-old brother say, "Are hamburgers a reptile?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 955

You deserved it 2 788

Mortifying

By Anonymous - 15/07/2015 16:29 - United States - Katy

Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say, "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 396

You deserved it 2 761

By raquel - 17/07/2015 16:40 - United States

Today, I babysat the Antichrist of all kids. After the 5 long hours were over, his parents came home. Instead of paying me what they agreed, they offered to let me eat some leftovers of a takeout in the fridge. I'm so afraid of confrontation that I accepted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 183

You deserved it 10 192

By stressedmom36 - 13/08/2015 23:50 - United States - Tampa

Today, my 4-year-old son's daycare called because he kissed a few girls. They explained he can't walk up and kiss little girls. I thought the situation was under control, until I was called an hour later to remove him from the premises for kissing little boys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 432

You deserved it 2 791

Sounds like quite the catch

By Brooke - 14/08/2015 16:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred, "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 835

You deserved it 2 366