Today, my girlfriend of six months dumped me over the phone. I'm in the military and recently had to move away to another fort. We'd agreed that we would try to make long distance work. I'd even offered to buy a plane ticket to come see her each weekend. I've been gone less than two weeks. FML
Today, I was babysitting. The kid said he had to use the bathroom. When I told him to go ahead, he said he just did. He was on my lap. He wasn't wearing pants. FML
Today, at my volleyball tournament I was extremely pumped to start playing so I went to take my sweats off and everybody began to stare at me then I looked down to come to realize I had no spandex on, just a thong. FML
Today, I was emptying the cutlery section of the dishwasher when I reached down and accidentally got the tip of a steak knife wedged half-way under my fingernail. My mum yelled at me for getting blood on the clean dishes. FML
Today, I returned a friend's jacket after borrowing it. I made sure to wash it and keep it clean. When he went to put it on, a pair of my granny panties fell out of the sleeve. FML
Today, I called a guy who had requested a free marketing consultation for his funeral home through the internet a couple of days ago. When I got through, the receptionist seemed a little taken back by me wanting to talk to him. He had died and was buried yesterday. FML
Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML
Today, my family and I went Christmas tree shopping. My husband and I were walking around when I saw the perfect tree. Excited, we immediately bought it. When we got home and set it up, I realized it came with a present: termites. FML
Today, I was entertaining people during an extra curricular school function in order to help "brighten people's spirits in their time of need." After it was all over, I found out that my phone had been stolen. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. You would think he could at least spell my name right while ending our relationship. FML
Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML
Today, someone asked my wife if I was her father. FML
Today, I went to a restaurant and sat at the last available table, which had a seat available across from me. A cute girl approached and asked if she could sit down, so I said "Sure" and made some room. She then asked "You're leaving, right?" FML
Today, my professor spent the entire class showing us how to make paper airplanes. I pay over 40 grand a year for college. FML
Today, I was discussing the traffic with my brother. He said the most common car colour is red. I said it was black. We ended up betting €100 on which three vehicles of either colour would pass by our house first. It seems a convoy of fire trucks had somewhere to be in a hurry. FML
Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. Now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML
Today, I was on my back patio talking with my husband. It got dark outside, and I saw something shuffling in the back yard. I freaked out so bad that I went to run inside, only to fly face-first into the screen door. Turns out the shuffling was a baby rabbit. FML
Today, I learned that the "If I can't see you, you can't see me." rule is entirely false. Just because I can't initially see my creepy neighbor, doesn't mean he isn't watching me change my clothes through the blinds. FML
Today, my dad met my fiancé's dad for the first time. My fiancé's dad is a cop. He had arrested my dad for indecent exposure in the past. FML
Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little joke on my girlfriend. Before I gave her the real present, an engagement ring, I gave her a gift-wrapped rolling pin instead. I ended up in the hospital. FML
Today, working as an EMT on an ambulance, we had a patient who refused to accept that he had a massive GI bleed, despite the fact that bloody stool was flowing from his anus all over my ambulance. To make things worse, my EMT ride-along student puked all over the patient. FML
Today, during my friend's group's science project presentation, the teacher yelled at me, "Stop making stupid faces at the presenters!" I was smiling. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML
Today, I discovered that you should always unplug the electric mixer before licking the beaters. FML
Today, I was at my job as a bartender where I had to listen to a 40-something man with no legs drunkenly explain just how much he loves nipples. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. All my date would talk about was how he was "really his own best friend." FML
Today, I got punched by a man for making fun of his stutter. I didn't. I stutter too. FML
Today, I had to have a word with my boss about how him coming into work drunk is probably not a very good idea. FML
Today, I rescued a cactus from a lethal fall. It thanked me with a handful of spines. FML
Today, I was hanging out with some of my friends when I fell asleep. When I woke up, I found that they had shaved the F word into my arm. I don't know what is more disturbing: the fact that this is what my friends do for fun, or that I have enough arm hair to have four letters shaved into it. FML
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