Today, my colleague yet again misused the word "literally." It's driving me insane. I have to work opposite him and hear him say things like he's just "literally shit himself inside out." FML
Today, I watched a movie with my little sister. I couldn't understand a word that was said during one scene, but I figured it was in some kind of made-up language. When I commented on it later, she called me a moron and said it was Spanish. FML
Today, after months of using the empty driveway across the street from my house, a note was placed under my windshield wiper. It read, "Please stop parking in my driveway. P.S. You’re hot. Are you single?" FML
Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML
Today, after spending about 5 grand on my home studio over the past year, I realized I have no musical talent whatsoever. FML
Today, I discovered a drawer full of chocolates, cookies and baked goods in my house. When I asked my sister what the drawer was, she told me that my mom thought it would be a good idea to hide the fattening foods from me. My entire family had known about the food drawer, except me. FML
Today, I went to a professional baseball game. In the 5th inning, our row was chosen for a random giveaway where everyone sitting in the row recieved free roundtrip airline tickets to New York City. While this was going on, I was up, getting a pretzel. FML
Today, I ran into a girl I used to go to school with. We went out for dinner to catch up, and we ended up at my house, watching movies and cuddling. This fantastic and spontaneous date was concluded with several kisses. I dropped her off at her car and drove off. I forgot to get her number. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and refused to give me back the condoms I'd just bought. Why? Because she wants to use them with the guys she's been cheating on me with. FML
Today, I was walking down the strip with a friend when we saw a homeless man with no arm. I felt bad, so I gave him some cash and I looked into his poor little eyes when he put out his arm for a hug. Without thinking, I hugged him. Right as I was thinking, "WTF am I doing?" he kissed my boob. FML
Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for something to drink. I found a jug of lemonade with a piece of paper on it saying "Mom's Lemonade, Don't Drink!" I was really thirsty, so I ignored it and drank the whole jug. My mom is about to have a colonoscopy and had filled it with laxatives. FML
Today, someone asked my fiancée and I how we met. She said, "Well, it was just supposed to be a one night stand!" and laughed, right as I was about to take her hand and say, "It was love at first sight!" FML
Today, I had dinner with my family in celebration of my 19th Birthday. I've been hinting that I need a new laptop for months now and I was sure my family had bought me one. I have got a pair of slipper socks. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML
Today, we had a fire drill in my dorm, and I live on the 7th floor of my building. They shut the elevators down and I had to walk down 14 flights of steps. I shattered my kneecap last week. They turned the alarm off when I got to the first floor. FML
Today, my 7 year old brother decided that it would be fun to cut off my hair. I woke from a long nap after working the late shift, to about 15 inches of my long blonde hair all over my bed and floor. I now have bloody bald spots and really choppy hair about 3 inches long. He got away with it. FML
Today, I had to take a test that's required to pass the class. The test administor told us that those of us who were wearing hoodies would have to take them off. I would have taken mine off, but I was only wearing a bra underneath. There's no other days I can reschedule the test. FML
Today, my girlfriend canceled our date I've been looking forward to all week because her dog was having puppies. She doesn't have a dog. FML
Today, I discovered my water bottle had leaked and spilled water all over my backpack, ruining my notebooks, soaking my schoolbooks, and destroying my midterm portfolio. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be cute to try and pick me up while kissing, instead he tripped and slammed the back of my head on the corner of the wall. FML
Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey's stage name. I was then laughed at for ages by my co-workers. FML
Today, I gave my two weeks notice at work. My boss sighed with relief and muttered, "Thank God." FML
Today, I found my brother tampering with my laptop. He had changed the entire settings, in ways I don't even know how to fix. I finally had to get my mom to threaten him to change it back to its original setting. I'm 15. He's six and can barely get dressed by himself. FML
Today, my boyfriend drunkenly decided to let his friends cut his hair into a mullet. He won't change it. I'm supposed to introduce him to my family. FML
Today, my family had a secret meeting on my "puberty issues." I'm 21. FML
Today, I went to see a psychiatrist for my depression and low self esteem. While in the waiting room, I overheard a guy telling his friend how ugly I am. FML
Today, I was messing around on my laptop by drawing on the screen with a marker pen. When it came time to clean it off, it wouldn't budge. Now I have a full beard and mustache etched permanently on my computer screen. FML
Today, a pretty co-worker invited me out for drinks after my shift. I have no money left until payday. Embarrassed, I had to decline and go home alone. FML
Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML
Today, I was browsing the web when I checked the search history. Turns out my son has been searching for "nude grills" and "hot grills." Not only is my 12-year-old son attempting to find porn on the internet, he also can't spell. FML
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