Mr 34 years-old In a relationship
Today, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. My best friend comes over and informs me that I had sex with my girlfriend's two best friends last night. Awesome! Then I realized her best friends are guys. FML
Today, my professor, who was born without arms, asked somebody "need a hand?" There are over 300 students in that class and I was the only one laughing. FML
Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML
Today, I drove to Bank of America to deposit money. Upon returning to my car I saw some new scratches on the front. I kicked and rubbed it to try and get rid of it. Then I notice someone in the car staring at me in bewilderment. I'd parked 2 spaces away. We have the same car. FML
Today, a girl-scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of Giant. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money and went home with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a girl-scout. FML
Today, I was hanging out at a friend's house. Her adorable 5 year-old sister came up, gave me a hug, and said, "You're fat. When are you going home?" FML
Today, I was riding my bike and stopped at a street light. A little girl looked at me, then asked her mother, "Mommy, why does that girl have a ring through her nose?" Her mother then replied, "Because her parents don't love her." FML
Today, in my art class we had to paint a nude portrait of a fat, old woman. About halfway through the piece, and while painting her fat rolls, I realized she was the only person other than myself I had ever seen naked. FML
Today, I was at the doctor and I had to get a fingerstick in the lab to get blood drawn. There was a 6 year-old boy waiting to go next. He was terrified. His mother told him to, "Watch this brave girl go first." I panicked and began to hyperventilate. The kid fainted. FML
Today, I turned 23. I had asked my mom for some things to decorate my new place. As I opened the box to reveal my gift, a mirror was inside. I liked the mirror. I did not like the note attached that said "Look inside the mirror to see who is now 100% financially responsible for themselves." FML
Today, my girlfriend wanted to name my penis. After 5 minutes of thinking up names, she finally picked one. Say hello to Squirtle. FML
Today, while having sex I realized two things. First, I can't remember the last time my boyfriend gave me an orgasm, and secondly I think the curtains slightly clash with the duvet cover. I was more annoyed with the second one. FML
Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML
Today, I was walking home from my acting gig at a haunted hayride. Even after spending lots of time washing the fake blood off my hands and face, I looked like I'd murdered someone. Perhaps that's why an officer stopped me and questioned me about a stabbing that happened earlier tonight. FML
Today, the 6 year old girl I was babysitting asked me, "Why are you so ugly? Are you an alien? Because aliens are about as ugly as you are." FML
Today, I went through the Taco Bell drive through. The lady at the window handed me my food and receipt. In a moment of insanity, I threw the receipt at the cashier and yelled, "WOOHOO!" I attempted to burn rubber and get the hell out of dodge, only to remember my car was in park. FML
Today, I had an interview for a college. The college is in Rhode Island. I live on the West coast. When I asked the interviewer if they got to the mainland by boat or by some other form of transportation, he told me Rhode Island is not an island. FML
Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML
Today, my boyfriend woke up wheezing terribly, aching, and sneezing. He's allergic to cats. I have 2 and they are my babies. He gave me an ultimatum, him or the cats. I haven't figured out how I'm going to tell him that I choose the cats. FML
Today, I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. Way to avoid an awkward situation. FML
Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML
Today, at work, a little girl was misbehaving. Her dad told her that she would look like me when she grows up. The little girl look horrified while Daddy laughed and kept reassuring her he was "just kidding." FML
Today, I was walking outside when I saw my best friend about 100 meters away. I began running towards her, arms flailing, screaming out a tribal battle cry. It wasn't until I was nearly on top of her that I realised it was someone else. FML
Today, my dad found the ugliest picture my mom has ever taken. I show it to her laughing. She said it looks like me. I looked again and it kind of does. FML
Today, I woke up to a broken window and 3 guys sitting in my living room watching TV. FML
Today, I went to the library to pick up a copy of Romeo and Juliet for my English class. After looking around for half an hour, I asked the librarian. "I couldn't find Shakespeare anywhere. Where could I find him?" She quickly replied, "He's dead", giggled to herself, and went back to her work. FML
Today, I was at the doctors office after throwing up for the past week. My diagnosis? Apparently I'm the first pregnant man. After several minutes of me freaking out and him explaining how it was possible, he told me he was joking and that I'm fine, but my reaction was the best thus far. FML
Today, I went to see a famous rapper perform. My girlfriend got us up to the front to get pictures with him. He went to give me a high-five, I thought it was a fist-bump, so I made a fist. So he made a fist while I made a palm to match his retracted high-five. Then I panicked, cupped his fist, and ran. FML
Today, I realized I've been driving for almost two years and still get excited when I park between the lines on my first try. FML
Today, I was in the car with my mom. We were discussing my brother, how he's been screwing up majorly lately and she blamed it on his friends. Then she turned to me and said, "It's a good thing you've never had any friends." FML
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