Montreal 31 years-old In a relationship
Today, I was giving a strip tease over Skype to my boyfriend. My mom walked in mid-way through, took a long look at me, said hi to my boyfriend, and walked out. FML
Today, my husband and I had the grand opening to our new winery. We had a big sign out front saying "FREE GRAPES", to try and get more people interested. People kept giving us dirty looks when passing. We later realized there was something covering the "G". FML
Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML
Today, my doctor told me I have tennis elbow in both arms. I don't play tennis, I just have way too much free time. FML
Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML
Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML
Today, while flicking my bean, I was thinking about my boyfriend who moved to California last week. Before I came, I had to stop because I started crying. FML
Today, I got my first handjob. She ripped out a pube. It hurt so bad my eyes teared up. She asked what was wrong and not wanting to make her feel guilty I had to tell her it was "Just so good." FML
Today, my boyfriend kindly informed me that if I ever got bitten during a zombie apocalypse, he'd love me enough to beat me to death with a tire iron. He said this because he's been having vivid dreams about it happening. I honestly don't know whether he's joking or not. FML
Today, I shat a magnet. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that having sex with me was as good as eating crispy bacon. I don't know if I should feel complimented. FML
Today, I ran into an old friend. I asked her how she was doing, then asked, "And your mum?" Just as the words escaped my lips, I remembered her mum died a few years ago. Trying to save face, I messed up again and blurted, "She still in the same graveyard?" FML
Today, I had a dream that I was trying to pop a balloon. Nothing I did was working, so I put it between my knees and tried to pop it that way. Immediately, I woke up to the sound of frantic hissing and meowing. As it turns out, I was trying to pop the cat. FML
Today, my dad had his "sixteen years overdue" vasectomy. I'm fifteen. FML
Today, my husband changed the voice on my car's GPS to Mr T's. I don't know how to change it back. I've been saying, "I pity the fool" over and over again ever since. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I said something grammatically wrong during it. He chose to correct it. FML
Today, my boyfriend referred to his penis as 'The Eye of Sauron'. It didn't help when he pulled down his foreskin, pointed it in my direction and said 'I see you'. FML
Today, I spent my day creating a new type of laugh, and performing it in my head. FML
Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML
Today, my daughter sat me down for a long talk. It turns out that she thinks she is the Chosen One. FML
Today, during my first day as a doctor’s intern, I attended a consultation. The embarrassed patient asked me to leave. Not really knowing my way around, I went through the first door I could find. By the time I realized it was a closet, I didn’t dare come back out. Twenty minutes is a long time to wait. FML
Today, I asked my dad why there were no photos of me on the wall. He replied, "Every time you disappoint us we burn one." FML
Today, I came home to find a note on my door from the neighbor saying, "I saw a coyote eat your dog, but was afraid it was rabid." FML
Today, I had so much to do, I didn't know where to start. So I didn't. FML
Today, while at my cosmetics job, an elderly lady came up to me asking for a product. I told her we had a smaller size and a larger size for a better deal. She told me she wanted the smaller size because she'd "probably be dead" before she finished that one. I laughed. She was serious. FML
Today, I woke up to find my cat has gone into heat. Her favorite thing to do right now is sticking her ass in my face and howling like a Nazgûl. FML
Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML
Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substitution cipher, using literary references. As they're both literature professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I was apparently really loud, because when we finished I heard his mom and grandma sarcastically imitating me outside. FML
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