Mr Bellbrook, Ohio, USA Single
Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML
Today, my fiancé played Rockband drums from the bathroom while taking a crap. He actually managed to properly hit notes. FML
Today, I had a job interview. The only moment I impressed the interviewer was when I talked about drama. He started to talk about a play I hadn't seen, but I decided to agree on everything he was saying. Suddenly he said, "the play doesn't actually exist." I silently left the room. FML
Today, my brother in law got into a fight with my husband. My pregnant sister was yelling at her husband to stop beating my husband up. When I came into the room, I asked why they were fighting. You'll never guess who the real father of my sister's baby is. FML
Today, I ordered food at McDonald's. I'm on crutches, and a guy offered to carry my tray to the table. He rushed out with my food. FML
Today, I got a boner at the dentist's. FML
Today, I saw my upstairs neighbor outside getting the mail. She asked how my day was, and then apologized that the sound of her baby's crying through the walls kept me up last night. Apparently she heard me when I yelled at 2am for her fucking demon spawn to shut up. FML
Today, I was pulled over. The cop seemed very familiar. Turns out he was a relative of mine whom I haven't spoken to in a very long time. We had decent conversation and caught up. He still gave me a ticket. FML
Today, a freshman set off the fire alarm in my dorm at 2 a.m. He tried to microwave Easy Mac without adding water. I had to stand outside for 45 minutes while the firemen moved the noodles to the sink and ran cold water over them. FML
Today, at the Black Friday Sale, a fully grown man hit my 5 year old daughter for an Xbox. In anger, I punched the guy and gave him a bloody nose. I'm now banned from Best Buy, and my daughter has a concussion. FML
Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML
Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML
Today, two American guys attacked me for not speaking their language. I'm from England, and they said I'm speaking my own language wrong. FML
Today, I somehow managed to slam my trumpet case closed on my nipple. FML
Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops off his shoulder-pimples and sprinkles them in our food. FML
Today, I'm on a medication that really dehydrates my skin. I thought split lips were the worst side effects. Other split orifices make a trip to the toilet a literal pain in the arse. No sign of stopping in the near future. FML
Today, my girlfriend hated the idea of sex so much she was willing to give me money for a stripper. FML
Today, I had a band concert and my mum got kicked out. She screamed "BORING!" in the middle of it. FML
Today, I'm so broke that when I got out of the shower, I had to slowly dry myself off with a ShamWow sample I received in the mail. FML
Today, I was going through airport security. Trying to get things over and done with quickly, I dropped my pants without a second thought. Turns out they just wanted me to remove my shoes and belt. FML
Today, my mom was freaking out about me handling a CD-ROM with my bare hands. When I asked her what all the commotion was about, she said she was worried that I would catch "one of those computer viruses" she'd heard about on the news. FML
Today, I sat in my boss's office as he bitched me out for being "too sarcastic" to our customers. After nearly half an hour of him criticizing my "piss-poor attitude," he asked me what I was going to do to fix it. Without thinking, I said, "Your mom." Now I'm jobless again. FML
Today, I was on the subway head bobbing to my favorite track when the guy across from me gets up, punches me in the face and says, "Don't nod at my wife like that." FML
Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML
Today, my oven decided that it was going to lock and clean itself right in the middle of cooking my steaks. FML
Today, my grandma seemingly decided that it was a really nice day to put my cat in the dryer. FML
Today, as I was walking home from work, I became the victim of a drive-by peanutting. Yes, apparently I'm only worth a bag of nuts. FML
Today, I woke up in jail charged with a DWI. I wasn't drinking last night and the only thing I remember is taking my prescription sleep medicine and lying down. FML
Today, I learned a valuable lesson: Make sure you learn to swim at a very young age, or else you might end up a in a swimming class with a bunch 3 and 4 year-olds, taught by your crush. FML
Today, I was jumped and savagely beaten to the ground by a group of six-year-olds wearing Disney princess masks. FML
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