coryhopea

Not the sharpest tool

Today, I took my 16 year-old daughter to get a bank account, taking her birth certificate with us as requested. When the teller wrote her name down on a piece of paper, my daughter said, "How do you know my name?" The teller just looked at her and held up her birth certificate. I raised a nitwit. FML

Learning

Today, while babysitting a five year-old, I found a cartoon called Metalocalypse for him to watch while I made dinner. I didn't realize it was an "adult" cartoon until afterwards. He watched a whole episode about a clown with a cocaine problem. FML

Biology lesson time

Today, my 16 year-old daughter tried to convince me that tampons don't actually work, all because she can still pee with one in. FML

Today, I met a really nice guy. He was funny, handsome, and we were both into each other. He told me his name, and when I replied with mine, it came out sounding like "I'm a bear." FML

Today, I took my mom to Victoria's Secret to help her find a bra. She made me try one on to see if it looked good on me. Turns out we have the same cup size. I'm a guy. FML

Today, I was hanging out with a guy that I really like. When he gave me a hug goodbye, he slid his hand into the back pocket of my jeans. It was glorious until I farted on his hand. FML

Brief encounter

Today, I got a nose bleed in the ladies bathroom. An old lady comes out of a stall and says, "Oh, your nose is bleeding. Well I shit my pants. I'm sure it'll come out in the wash." FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML

Compromising situation

Today, I was on a hot date. After we finished supper, we went back to his place. My stomach started to feel upset, so I politely asked where the bathroom was so I could "powder my nose;" After ten minutes of agonizing diarrhea, I looked down and noticed he was out of toilet paper. FML

This is fine

Today, I was given a DUI while in the Whataburger drive thru. FML

Today, I Googled my ex-husband only to find that in the years since we've split he now fancies himself as a stand-up comic. His material? Our sex life. FML

Stop talking, stop talking now

Today, I had to endure a long story about how and why my brother shaves his pubes. FML

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

Today, I was riding my bike and swerved to avoid hitting a lizard. I ended up sliding into a bush and skinning myself, only to find my tires had still managed to cut the lizard to pieces. FML

Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML

Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML

The spirit world

Today, I killed a centipede. Now every little itch I feel, I think it's the centipede's spirit coming back to haunt me. FML

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

Today, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend I still love, and his new girlfriend, who he cheated on me with. Embarrassingly, she was wearing the same top as me. However hers was in size 6, unlike my 16. FML

Today, I was dared to eat durian. With my reputation hanging in the balance, I bought one. Only after I opened it did I realize the extent of the dare. It smelled and tasted like dried cat shit that Satan himself had regurgitated. FML

Today, my mom tried to get me to shoplift. From the dollar store. FML

Today, I saw a facebook status that said, 'Wedding today. Ugly people belong together.' I'm getting married today. FML

Today, my dad taped a picture of me to the fridge with "Do not feed the she-beast" written on it. FML

Today, yep, pubic hair is still flammable. FML

Today, I saw my picture in an architecture magazine. I'm not an architect. I was walking up a flight of "magnificently built" stairs as my skirt lifted to show an absence of underwear. FML

Today, I saved a honey bee from drowning in our pool. It promptly stung me and died. FML

Today, I accidentally slept in two hours later than I was supposed to. Today is my wedding day. FML

Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML

Unfair

Today, I went with my boyfriend to the OC Fair. He was taking a picture of me in front of a giant mechanical butterfly at the insect exhibit. Playfully, he told me to pretend to be a butterfly, so I quickly lifted my arms, just in time to slap a 7 year-old girl in the face. FML

Today, my mom still hasn't gotten over the novelty of our brand new microwave. We've been eating hot pockets for nearly a week now. FML