Today, I got to see my best friend for the first time in months. Her first reaction was to say, "Wow, you gained a lot of weight." I actually lost a fair bit. FML
Today, my hiccups got so intense that I threw up in the middle of class. FML
Today, I broke my leg. My mom told me I still have to go to tennis class tomorrow because the course isn't refundable. FML
Today, my mother confused the terms 'necromancy' and 'necrophilia'. We had a great talk about why you shouldn't have sex with dead people. FML
Today, my sister came out of the closet. By which I mean she came out as the pregnant mother of my boyfriend's child. FML
Today, I was turned down from the dream job that I was promised two years ago, once my chemo and radiation therapy was finished. His excuse? He never actually expected me to survive. FML
Today, I realized I hate my boyfriend's little sister enough to break up with him. FML
Today, I was demoted as a bridesmaid in a wedding because I dyed my hair, and didn't ask permission from the bride to do so. The bride is my sister. FML
Today, my entire junior class took the ACT. On the last test, a classmate's phone went off, automatically invalidating the whole test. We all have to retake it. FML
Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML
Today, during a meal out with my team and bosses, I wasn't drinking. The waiter complained, "If you're not ordering alcohol, how am I supposed to take advantage of you later?" I'm not sure what's worse, the rapey pre-dinner joke or the awkward silence as my colleagues looked on. FML
Today, my long-term boyfriend said that if we ever finally get married, his ex-girlfriend will definitely have to be a bridesmaid. FML
Today, while chatting with my in-laws, I told them about my upcoming spinal surgery. Soon after, when I went to get us some drinks, I overheard them murmuring about how many surgeries I've already had, how I'm a drain on the healthcare system, and how I should ideally just die. FML
Today, I was told that I need to learn to "let things go" by a woman who held a four-month grudge over a ham sandwich. FML
Today, it is the one-year anniversary of my mother's death. It's also the day my father chose to announce his engagement, to the whole family. FML
Today, I received a phone call from the counselor at my son's preschool, requesting that I come pick him up. He was barking incessantly at his classmates. And when they asked him to stop, he growled. FML
Today, my mother in law accidentally cc'd me on an email she was sending to my husband, telling him that his youth is fleeting and that he should leave me while he still has time. FML
Today, I found out that the reason I didn't get the job that I have been working my butt off for over a year for is because they can't find anybody who can do my current job as good as me. I'm too good to be promoted. FML
Today, after several months of eating right, exercising, and weight loss, my mother has yet again arrived at my house, unannounced and with a very sugary cake. She's been doing this most weeks since I lost 50 pounds. FML
Today, I took my son to the playground and watched him have fun. Minutes later, I was being shoved around and called a pedophile because I was there alone with no wife. By the time I convinced them I was innocent, my son was bawling. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He claimed it wasn't cheating because he's not romantically attracted to her. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I thought everything went well, until I got a text from him later saying, "Come on mom, she isn't THAT bad." FML
Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. The first thing he did was hand me a paper containing listed rules he expects me to follow. When I asked if it was a joke, he promptly pointed to number 7 on the list, "Cleanliness is not a joke". FML
Today, my ex called me up to suggest that we become friends, only so that she could introduce me to her new boyfriend. FML
Today, my dad turned up drunk to an intervention for my brother's drug addiction. FML
Today, my brother wore a T-shirt to my birthday party that said "I dig skinny chicks". I'm a recovering anorexic and told him that I didn't really like his shirt. His response? "Don't let the liberal media brainwash you into thinking it's OK to be fat." FML
Today, my dad spent 30 minutes incorrectly correcting me about our legal system. He thinks he knows more than me because he's been divorced twice. I'm a lawyer. FML
Today, I sent my father a text asking when he was finally coming to meet his 4-month-old granddaughter. His response? "I forgot." He forgot he has a granddaughter. FML
Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone call. They were impressed with me. That's when my son decided to throw a tantrum asking for food. After some silence, the caller told me they were looking for someone who wasn't juggling little kids at home and hung up. My son is 20. FML
Today, I got a call from the ICU. Apparently, my boyfriend has been there for 3 days and I'm the only person who didn't know. Even my parents have been to see him. FML
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