Mr 8 years-old
Today, my brother told my 3 year-old son that cool kids call their parents by their real names. This wouldn't be half as bad if he hadn't also convinced my son that my real name was Satan. FML
Today, my boyfriend was entertaining himself by shoving tampons up his nose and seeing how far across the bed he could blow them. This man is the father of my son. FML
Today, I finally got around to cleaning out my mother's things after her passing. In the process I found a fancy box. What did it contain? A collection of crack pipes. FML
Today, my sister told me about her upcoming trip to Mexico. I asked her how she was going to do anything without knowing any Spanish. She told me she's "just going to read their lips". FML
Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML
Today, I'm horribly out of shape. My arms are sore, almost like I'd been doing heavy lifting yesterday. Nope. It just was from squeezing cupcake icing out of a tube. FML
Today, my daughter mentioned that she didn't need to work because she could convert a dollar to 13 Mexican pesos and convert it back into "13 USD", over and over again. She's 17. FML
Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML
Today, I learned that when you're talking about your girlfriend's 6'4", 250 lb dad in a negative way, you should really make sure he isn't around first. FML
Today, I was so lonely, I caught myself whispering to my food just so I had someone to talk to. FML
Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. As things got heated, he broke down crying. I assumed it was just anxiety so I hugged him and told him it's alright and that it didn't matter, we'd try another time. Half an hour later, he confessed that he's actually gay. FML
Today, as I walked into McDonald's with my mom, she glanced at me and said, "Smells like your future." FML
Today, a very drunk woman at the family Christmas party told me she felt terrible that I didn't have a mother who cared about me. She's my mother. FML
Today, I accidentally texted my mother instead of my drug dealer. FML
Today, I went to break up with my psychotic bitch of a girlfriend after months of abuse. When she opened the door, her 5-year-old son ran up to me, smiling and calling me "DADDY!" for the first time. Now I don't have the heart to dump the psycho and devastate her son. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Things got heated and I yelled, "Who's your daddy?" With a blank expression she replied, "I don't know." FML
Today, I found out my 7-year-old daughter really did lie about my husband's "other girlfriend" as revenge for being grounded, and that he never cheated on me at all. We're well into our divorce proceedings and he won't forgive me for not believing him when he denied it. FML
Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my pads were not in fact "big band-aids" and that he should probably remove them from his legs. FML
Today, my dad rejected my birthday present to him because it was "Made in China." FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML
Today, I caught my girlfriend Googling how to uninstall Siri. I asked why she wanted to do that, and she said, "I don't like it. I don't like how the slut talks to you." I get the feeling I'll need a gun when I break up with this crazy fucker. FML
Today, my young daughter came up to me, grabbed my face and said, "I'm putting you in the garbage." When I laughed and asked why, she looked me dead in the eye and said, "You are trash." FML
Today, I walked in on my husband jacking off to a photo of himself. FML
Today, when making a delivery for the restaurant I work for, a customer shoved and yelled at me because she didn't get any fries with her order. She didn't order any, which isn't unusual, considering we're a Chinese takeaway and don't even sell them. FML
Today, while shopping, my dad asked me to walk further away from him, saying I was cramping his style in front of all the chicks there. FML
Today, I was in a heated debate about climate change. I got so flustered that I forgot the word "volcano" and ended up calling them "exploding mountain things". End of the debate. Shame. FML
Today, I found out that my 2-year-old brother is afraid of his own penis. Whenever he doesn't have a diaper on, he screams, cries and yells, "Ew". FML
Today, my girlfriend tried to justify having a one night stand with some other guy, with the words, "I'm on my period, okay?!" She acted like I was crazy when I asked how the fuck that made any sense. FML
Today, hours after being turned down for sex, I woke up to my boyfriend sitting at the computer, jacking off to a picture of my deceased mom. FML
Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML
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