Miss In a relationship
Today, I met my birth mother. My dad won't talk to me, my mom won't stop crying and thinks I'm replacing her, and the rest of my family won't stop calling me a bitch. I'm 21, and I just wanted to meet the woman who pushed me head-first out of her vagina. FML
Today, after getting back from a year-long world trip, I nearly fell on my knees and cried when I saw boxes of Twinkies at my local gas station. Finding out they were back was the highlight of the year. FML
Today, I found a pamphlet for alcohol counseling on my front door today. I think it was from the guys who pick up my recycling. FML
Today, I was getting my cat some canned food. Out of habit I licked the spoon after I had emptied the can only to realize too late what I had done. FML
Today, I accidentally punched myself in the mouth while eating a Go-Gurt. I was eating it because I'd just had my wisdom teeth removed. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. He showed up in a shirt that read, "I F*ck On First Dates". FML
Today, being the prank couple that we are, I decided to mess with my husband. When he got off work, I said, "The lady from your office called and said she was pregnant. From you." He immediately broke down crying, and said, "I knew it." Turns out, my fetus already has a sibling. FML
Today, I texted my girlfriend a long heartfelt loving message for our 2-year anniversary. Her reply was just "K." FML
Today, I finally handed my girlfriend a portrait of her. I'm not the best drawer, but I spent weeks on it and I thought it turned out pretty good. When she looked at it, she asked what kind of dog was it. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend a text asking him to come over a little later and have some "fun" with me. He texted back, "WTF babe? Breaking Bad's on tonight. You got a dildo, fucking use it." FML
Today, my boyfriend called me a selfish bitch and dumped me after I told him I'm planning on getting much-needed breast reduction surgery. FML
Today, my parents favoritism towards my brother really shone through when we moved house and he got the nicest and by far biggest room. I wouldn't mind, but my brother is in college overseas and never comes home. FML
Today, my mom started getting ready for the Rapture. FML
Today, my purse was stolen from my bag while I was on the train. The thief will be surprised to find that it wasn't my money purse, but in fact my "period purse". Hope they find tampons useful. FML
Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating because according to him, our child does not have his hair color, eye color, or other facial features. Our son is five days old, bald and hasn't opened his eyes much. The closest thing I can probably compare him to is an old, wrinkly potato. FML
Today, I passed my math test with flying colors. My dad thought I had cheated, so he emailed the school and told them that I had. They lowered my grade. FML
Today, my boyfriend won a diamond engagement ring through a citywide competition. Instead of proposing to me, he's selling it. FML
Today, as a science teacher, I did a science experiment in front of a class. One of my students asked me if it was "photoshopped." He was being serious. FML
Today, during parent/teacher conferences, my mom told my Chemistry teacher that I have an intense crush on him. There are still 7 months left in the school year. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents at a family dinner. There was plenty of alcohol on offer, as is normal at our get-togethers. She got blind drunk and ended up crying to my mum about how I can't please her because I have a small penis and my oral sucks. FML
Today, I got into a fight with my mother. Her idea of a birthday present to me is buying me a husband. Yes, buying. She told an asshat she found online about my trust fund, and now they're both trying to put together "the wedding of the millennium". She still doesn't understand why I'm mad. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. The girl seemed perfect for me, until I found out she says "lol" and "rofl" out loud whenever she laughs. She also believes sex screws with people's "spiritual energy", and that's why she'll never have it. FML
Today, I realized how amazing I've become at faking orgasms: I made up everything from the noises of my juices to pure, blissful climax over the phone to my husband. He came; I finished putting laundry away. FML
Today, I found out my best friend made a program to reply to my text messages with random sentences from a list. It took 15 minutes of texting before I finally noticed. FML
Today, my mom baked a cake for the whole family. One spent EpiPen later, I found out there were nuts in it, which I'm severely allergic to. My mom's defense was that she thought I'd have "gotten over" my allergy by now. FML
Today, my boyfriend went down on me. I don't know why, but my mind wandered. He now thinks that he has the skills of a porn star, while I'm pretty sure that finally solving a mathematical problem I've been working on for a week caused me to orgasm. FML
Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML
Today, I woke up and screamed. My older sister had placed a Furby right by my face while I was asleep. This is a common occurrence. FML
Today, my boss's obese bully of a grandson had a seizure. Being the only physician around, I had to rush in to tend to him. Except it wasn't a seizure as such. My daughter had found my taser and used it on him. FML
Today, I met the guy I've been talking to online for two years in real life. He tried to convince me to have his children because they would be average height. He's a midget and I'm 6'2". This is the most romantic thing anybody has ever said to me. FML
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