Miss Ontario, Canada In a relationship
Today, my little sister asked if she could play on my laptop, but I said no because I was writing an essay for school. She then bit herself hard and showed the mark to our parents, saying I did it. As they bitched me out, my sister got on my laptop and deleted my half-finished essay. FML
Today, I bought my cat a fun toy at the one of a kind craft show. It has catnip in it, which he loves. He flipped out, so I took it away. He won't stop trying to break into the cupboard I put it in. My cat has a drug problem. FML
Today, I broke a glass case containing my pet scorpions. I still can't find them. FML
Today, at work, due to a mix up, I had to call an answering service. I am also from an answering service. We got the problem fixed but I couldn't hang up due to company policy. She couldn't hang up either. We both had to get our supervisors for permission to hang up. FML
Today, my son told me the Christmas letter he wrote to Santa was a joke and he didn't want the stuff he asked for. I already bought everything. FML
Today, after months of saving, I went to buy the wedding ring I promised to buy my fiancée. Just seconds after I walked in, the owner asked me to leave, saying he doesn't serve "trash" like me, while pointing at the memorial tattoo on the back of my hand. FML
Today, my mom wouldn't let me go to the YMCA pool with the rest of the family. She said that the sound my thighs make when they rub together is "embarrassing". FML
Today, my parents decided to finally kick me out of the house because they've gotten tired of seeing me "sleep around all day and being so lazy" whenever I'm home. I'm currently triple-shifting for 6 days a week. FML
Today, I finished a painting I'd spent 3 weeks working on for an exhibition. When I came back from lunch, my cat was perched above it on my desk. He looked at me, then down at the painting, then jumped down onto it. He slipped and smeared the wet paint everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML
Today, I found out that the "IRS scam" that I ignored last week was actually not a scam, and now I have a warrant out for me. FML
Today, I woke up to the lovely sounds of goats having escaped their pen and climbed onto the roof. Again. FML
Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML
Today, my mom finally got a Netflix account after months of me begging. When I asked her what the login was, she refused to give it to me. She said, "Netflix will know it's not me and then they'll cancel our account." FML
Today, I'm celebrating New Year's with my cat. I made her a cake. FML
Today, I dragged my grill outside in the freezing cold to cook a steak for New Year's day. I left my spatula in the garage, and I set the still-wrapped steak on the grill. I was only gone 45 seconds, but that was long enough for my cat to open the wrapper and run off with my steak in his jaws. FML
Today, my mum sat me down for a serious talk about not being home enough - not because she misses me, but because the family cat needs more stability in her life. FML
Today, I gave birth to our first child at home. What was supposed to be a beautiful moment of us peacefully greeting our newborn, ended up with the cops knocking on our door. Apparently me giving birth sounds like a domestic dispute. FML
Today, I moved into my new apartment complex. I left some items including a cherished painting my best friend made for me outside the front door while I moved furniture into my bedroom. When I went back outside, someone had kicked a huge hole in the painting. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML
Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind, "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML
Today, I gave a presentation to my college class about life with Tourette syndrome. I only got 3 minutes into it before my asswipe classmates started yelling stuff like "Shit!", "Cock!", and "Bob Saget!" I gave up and went back to my seat in tears as our bored instructor said "Next." FML
Today, I was fired for "blatant, inexcusable racism". My boss had asked me which website background I preferred for our company, and I said that white backgrounds are usually best. He thinks that I believe in white supremacy, and that's bad for the company's image. FML
Today, we got a new Roomba. I set it to clean and came back an hour later to find shit smears all over the floor. Apparently, one of my cats had done his business in the kitchen, and the Roomba had dragged it around the entire first floor of my house. FML
Today, I saw a stick in my car and picked it up to throw it out the window. The "stick" turned out to have eyes. It was a dead lizard. FML
Today, my boss informed me I couldn't go on my "vacation" because he's leaving for one of his employees' weddings. That just so happens to be my wedding, for which I'm taking the vacation. FML
Today, I was in charge of taking a delivery of new office chairs for the meeting room at work. The delivery men took the old chairs, but left without delivering the new ones. I can't get in contact with them, and we have a big meeting first thing tomorrow. FML
Today, I was awoken by the sound of my pet lizard eating my other pet lizard. FML
Today, while shopping with my 6-year-old daughter, she said, "Mommy, remember you wanna get duck tape!" A middle-aged guy nearby scoffed and told her, "DUCT, not DUCK. Dumb cunt." I ended up having to drive my bawling daughter home, with no shopping. FML
Today, my mom asked my siblings and me for help cleaning the kitchen. After working for a half hour while all my siblings sat on the couch, I pointed out that I was the only one working. My mom thanked my siblings for not having attitudes like mine and sent me to my room. FML
Today, I have spent so much time watching Scooby Doo with my son that I actually used the word "Zoinks". FML
Today, my manager accused me of stealing $20. I didn't do it, but since she said she was going to call the cops, I gave her some of my own money. She still called the cops. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
