Miss Single
Today, I didn't have plans on shaving my pubic hair. My girlfriend's braces thought otherwise. FML
Today, I got an early Valentine's day card. My boyfriend and I recently broke up, and my hopes shot up thinking it might be from him. It wasn't. It was from my parents. FML
Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML
Today, I walked out and saw four kids mercilessly keying my car. When I questioned them on it, they said "Oh, that was your car? Oh well at least we didn't pee on your door handles too." FML
Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend of two years. I realized I was going to be late for work, so I asked him to hand me my underwear. I had never seen the underwear he gave me before. FML
Today, I woke up sweating and gasping for air after having a terrible nightmare. The nightmare involved my deceased mother-in-law bitching me out for being a bad influence on her daughter and threatening to cut my nuts off. Even in death, she won't leave me be. FML
Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML
Today, I got my colonoscopy results back. I had hoped they'd show what's been causing my stomach pains for the last few weeks, but instead it turns out that my colon is healthy and normal. I basically got cornholed for no goddamn reason. FML
Today, I had to convince my 28-year-old boyfriend to take down his booger wall. FML
Today, I started the job of my dreams. Our first marketing meeting was an in-depth analysis of the phrase, "Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate". I have a 5 year contract. FML
Today, I thought I felt my baby kicking for the first time. After excitedly exclaiming this fact to the few people around me, I involuntarily let out the loudest fart. Not the baby kicking, just gas. FML
Today, after years of lobbying for a travel job, I'm finally in Africa. Everything I eat or drink comes violently back out both directions. When I don't eat or drink, I pass out. Essentially I have to choose between illness and consciousness. Hello, fabulous new job. FML
Today, I woke up to a guy outside my house, who wanted to give me flowers and take me out on a date. Aside from it all being pretty fucking creepy anyway, the guy is my not quite right in the head second cousin, who's apparently now head-over-heels in love with me. FML
Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified, me or him. FML
Today, my sister asked me if I was going to be getting married "for real" this time, because she didn't want to waste her money like she did on my previous engagement. The reason that one didn't work out in the first place is because she slept with my fiancé. FML
Today, I found out just how easy it is to be launched against the wall and sucker-punched into oblivion by a 200-pound former Marine turned professional body-builder. I discovered this after I told my fiancée's dad that we were expecting a baby. FML
Today, I discovered my cat's favorite hobby: sitting butthole-first on my favorite makeup brush. FML
Today, while looking through pictures of my boyfriend and me on Facebook, I noticed that in practically every single one featuring my best friend, his eyes are directed down her shirt. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to make me dinner surrounded by a candlelight setting. By the time I got home, we had 7 firefighters surrounding our house. Turns out one of the candles fell on the carpet and lit up the curtain as well. FML
Today, I'm accused of vandalizing a cop car during a night of partying, and in so doing, violating my parole. While talking with my lawyer, who I spent all my savings on, I said he could hire better than his hideous secretary. Turns out she's his wife. I think I'm now more screwed than ever. FML
Today, I finally hooked up with the girl of my dreams. We went back to her place, and I explored every inch of her body; luscious lips, hourglass curves, genital warts... The worst part was when she got angry when I refused to continue, shouting, "No wonder you're still a virgin!" FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that my vagina looks like Yoda. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I've been diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Despite all my attempts to explain that he's wrong, he is totally convinced that my genitals have diabetes. This guy is going to be such a great father to our kids. FML
Today, my neighbors are moving. As we were saying our goodbyes, their 12-year-old son approached and thanked me for the times I forgot to shut the blinds and he watched me change. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it appropriate to let me know that doing the "duck face" in my Facebook pictures "highlights my mustache." FML
Today, a male co-worker asked me in what shape I shave my pubic hair. Jokingly, I replied that I have a very nicely trimmed dodecahedron. Now he's telling everyone at work that I have a venereal disease. FML
Today, I had a few friends over. Wanting to seem cool, I yelled at my girlfriend to get me a beer. She chucked four bottles at my head. All my friends cheered her on. FML
Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to spice up our sex life. He suggested incorporating bacon. He was serious. FML
Today, after being upset at the fact that my phone was stolen at work, I received a note on my locker saying, "100 bucks and you get the phone back." My phone is being held for ransom. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
