Today, I confessed to my girlfriend that I cheated on her. She told me that she needed time to think, and left. An hour later, her dad came by with a baseball bat. FML
Today, my 6-year-old son was so angry at me for not buying him overpriced candy at the airport that he told a security guard I had a machine gun in my suitcase. The interrogation was not pleasant. FML
Today, I was on the toilet when my cat came in and jumped up on the sink. Apparently my lap looked like a comfier seat, so she jumped onto it. She misjudged the distance, but luckily caught herself by sliding to a stop, with her claws in my bare thighs. FML
Today, while using a urinal in a very busy mall bathroom, another man unzipped his pants and attempted to use the same one as me. FML
Today, my boss suspended me for laughing too hard at my desk and causing a big scene in front of our customers. I was laughing because he'd forwarded me a hilarious email. He was practically smirking as he handed me my official warning. FML
Today, I asked my dad why he only has pictures of me from when I was a little kid. Without skipping a beat, he said, "I only keep pictures from when I liked you." FML
Today, while sitting in a crowded waiting room at the doctor's office, my 5-year-old daughter pointed at my 6-year-old son's crotch and boomed, "MOM, WHY DOES ANDY HAVE A FINGER DOWN THERE?" to which he yelled, "IT'S CALLED A COCK!" FML
Today, I was gushing about my love for Disney princesses when someone told me I "definitely needed to calm down." By whom? A four-year-old girl. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to a figure holding a knife above me. After I screamed in terror, the figure burst into laughter. It was my mom. She did this as payback for me not washing the dishes last night after making food. FML
Today, I lost a bet with my grandma, and now she's coming with me on my next date. FML
Today, I was babysitting an 8-year-old boy. He was playing with Play-Doh and made a sculpture that looked like a penis. I tried to cover up and asked if it was an action figure. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "It's a DICK." FML
Today, my daughter was scared to go to the bathroom because she thought there was a person behind the shower curtain. There actually was a person behind the shower curtain. FML
Today, I told someone about my degree in technical theatre with a concentration in lighting design. They looked at me and said, "You're paid $52,000 a year to turn lights on and off?" And technically, that's correct. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted to make breakfast. Since I usually do all the cooking, I said that was fine. Four hours later, my boyfriend and I were sitting on the sidewalk across the street as the firemen sprayed down the burnt remains of our kitchen. FML
Today, I came home and saw my cat all snuggled up with another cat on the sofa. I thought it was the cutest thing ever, until I remembered that I only have one cat. FML
Today, I woke up from a horrible nightmare. What was it about? Me accidentally scratching a non-stick pan with my utility knife. FML
Today, while I was working customer support, a lady hung up on me mid-sentence, and I trailed off, saying, "…aaannnddd you hung up on me like a bitch." Turned out she was still on the line and had just accidentally hit mute. FML
Today, as I awoke, the sun was shining, the birds were tweeting, and police sirens were wailing at a drug bust next door. FML
Today, while working at McDonald's, a woman returned to the drive thru because her fries weren't hot enough. She was so angry about coming back that she threw her cold fries at me through the window and told me to "choke on them." FML
Today, I confiscated a 1st grader's cell phone. It was better than anything I could come close to affording. FML
Today, at the restaurant where I work, a guest choked on a bone from her crosscut ribs. She asked me to bring the manager over, so I did. When he got there, she complained that the bone could have seriously injured her, and we should be more careful of where we put the bones in the ribs. FML
Today, my daughter came home in tears, completely distraught. It took half an hour to convince her to tell me what was wrong. What horrific thing happened to her? One of her friends wore the same outfit as her to the movies, and apparently that's a betrayal of their friendship. FML
Today, I went with a couple of my friends to see a friend who's fallen very ill. Her dad walked in with a gun and demanded to know which of us had gotten his daughter pregnant. By the time I realized it was a joke, I'd already pissed myself. FML
Today, I asked my dad to take me to the store so I could get some feminine hygiene products. When we got there, he went running down the aisles yelling, "Help! My daughter's bleeding to death! Where're the tampons?!" FML
Today, I found out my son was selling pot for pesos. We live in New Jersey and have never planned on going to Mexico. FML
Today, I woke up to a mouse sitting on my pillow and chewing on my hair. FML
Today, a girl puked on me. No warnings, nothing. She just threw up on me, then walked off like nothing even happened. FML
Today, my OCD reached a new high when I used a correction pen to white-out an eyelash which was photocopied onto every single page of my reading material. I did it because the eyelash was too distracting and I couldn't finish reading the article without the urge to rip it into shreds. FML
Today, I attended an assembly regarding senior graduation. The assistant principal told us to look to the left and right of us, because those people would be our friends for the rest of our lives. I was the only one in the entire row. FML
Today, my son was smart enough to hack the school's computers to change his midterm, but isn't smart enough to actually keep his grades up. FML
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