Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML
Today, I found out that my brother was selling pictures of me showering. For what? World of Warcraft money. FML
Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML
Today, I was getting it on with a girl I've been talking to for three months. She's a year younger than me and it was her first time. So, I went easy. After five minutes she started crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she said that I reminded her of her dad. FML
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