Mr 33 years-old In a relationship
Today, someone called out "Ma'am!" while approaching me from behind, but then said "Oops, sir!" when I turned around. I was wearing a corset and miniskirt with leggings. They were correct the first time. FML
Today, I hit the six-year mark for daily vomiting. All the doctor can say is that it's psychological. FML
Today, when I was done masturbating to the thought of my crush I noticed my phone was lit up. I turned it over and stared in horror as I saw a call connected to him. I had been loudly moaning his name. I guess I hit his speed dial when I was setting my phone down. He was definitely still on the line. FML
Today, my girlfriend was in the midst of giving me head when she got lockjaw. My dick was stuck inside her mouth as she bit down on it for over an hour. FML
Today, as my husband and I were leaving our wedding reception, my mother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You're gonna do great tonight!" FML
Today, I took the kids to the pool. I'm short and 20lbs overweight but they talked me into it and I put on a swimsuit for the first time in 10 years. As soon as we got there, a girl my height but a good 150lbs heavier said, "It's so nice to see another big girl in a two-piece!" FML
Today, I got my period while spray tanning. FML
Today, I was at my bf's house (we are long distance, about 5 hours apart). I found an entire drawer of another woman's clothing and belongings. He told me that they were his ex's, but I don't believe him. I thought he was the love of my life and I'm realizing I'm just his side piece. FML
Today, I found out that my husband of 11 years shared nude pictures of me with random people online, to 'show me off' and to masturbate to the pictures he received in return. FML
Today, while my husband and I were having sex, we were trying this strawberry flavored lube which had a very strong candy smell. My husband starts laughing mid-performance, looks me in the eye, and exclaims "F*CK THE RAINBOW, TASTE THE RAINBOW!" FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend to meet me in the park to talk. Just when I wanted to break up, he knelt down on one knee and proposed. I had to reject him in front of a whole crowd of people. FML
Today, my girlfriend's dad refused to give me permission to marry his daughter because I'm "covered in gang tattoos" and he doesn't want his daughter marrying a criminal. The only tattoos I have are the Game of Thrones direwolf and a quote from the Lord of the Rings movies. FML
Today, I wanted to get my mind off my ex, so like any other guy I decided to watch some porn and jack it. I see one video with a familiar looking room so I click on it. Guess who I saw getting it from some dude? So much for forgetting about my ex. FML
Today, me and my boyfriend had sex but stopped when I felt pain downstairs. That evening he wanted me to go to the emergency room but I wanted to sleep it off. Turned out I needed surgery. One of my fallopian tubes had ripped. The sex was so rough, I got an intravenous hemorrhage. FML
Today, I had to watch as my deeply religious mother broke out in tears of joy, as she said how happy she was that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. I didn't have the heart to tell her that my fiancé and I fucked on the first date. FML
Today, I saved a woman from drowning at a pool where I lifeguard, but when I got her out of the water she started screaming about sexual assault. Apparently I accidentally brushed her breasts when pulling her up and out of the water. She wants to sue me. FML
Today, my mother-in-law and I were having a lovely chat about my partner, until she asked me if he was good in bed and started saying things like "I've seen it, great length. I'm jealous." FML
Today, while spending the night at a friend's house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing a bed, I reached over to wake her up. Turns out it was her boyfriend trying to push me off the bed because they were having sex. FML
Today I took my girlfriend to the cafe where we had our first date, with the intention of proposing. Moments before I took the ring out, some sleazy old guy said, "How are you two fine babes single on a Saturday?" He refused to leave us alone, even when we said we were on a date. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It was during a sex scene that intensified the moment. The same sex scene from which emerged a sudden jump-scare. I now have bite marks on my penis. FML
Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend a few years after I slept with his boss and got him fired. He is now a multi-millionaire investor and won't take me back. FML
Today, I hooked up with the guy I've been seeing. Apparently he doesn't believe in condoms and took it off without my knowing; I didn't realize until after. When I asked him in horror why he would do such a thing, he said "I love you. I want you to have my child." It had been our second date. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend who is a VERY loud moaner. He kept saying my name over and over again then all of a sudden his mom comes in and says "yes hun...oh God sorry"...that's how I found out I have the same name as my boyfriend's mom. FML
Today, while watching Game of Thrones, my boyfriend remarked that he doesn't think that "sibling incest is a big deal" and doesn't "get why it's illegal." He has 2 sisters. FML
Today, my mom asked me to back up her phone. When I downloaded all of her pictures and checked to make sure they were all saved, I accidentally saw the topless photos she's been sexting my dad. I can erase the files, but not the images in my mind. FML
Today, I got into an accident in my girlfriend's car. While I was in the emergency room, crying from the pain, she reassured me, "don't worry, you can pay me for the damage in several installments if you need to." FML
Today, my boyfriend of 2 years wanted to break up because I was "kissing" another guy. That guy was 73 years old and dying of a heart-attack. I work as an Ambulance Technician and was performing CPR. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend at his place, taking advantage of having the house to ourselves. Out of the blue, his mother, who already hates me, came in and caught us in the act. Now she hates me twice as much for desecrating her house. And she'll hate me triple when she finds out I'm pregnant. FML
Today, I hooked up with a freshman at a party. No foreplay, just a quickie. The boy was a virgin, had phimosis, and didn't know. He started to bleed and scream, causing everyone from the party to gather around the bathroom door. He left with his dick bleeding and now everyone is saying I have a snapping vagina. FML
Today, during my company's liquidation sale, I had not one, but three customers tell me to go back to Auschwitz. FML
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