Philadelphia, PA,, Single
Today, my son and I were on an airplane playing "I Spy" to pass the time. The game went back and forth a few times when my son said, "I spy something yellow." After pointing out numerous yellow objects on the plane I gave up. He said, "Daddy! It's your teeth!" FML
Today, I was on a train when an old man standing next to me very obviously checked me out, caught my eye, and winked. He spent the next five minutes rubbing his penis against my leg. When I turned to tell him off, the train lurched, and the old man fell face first into my breasts. FML
Today, an old lady on the street told me that I should be wearing a bra because my nipples were visible under my white tee. I am a 37-year-old man. FML
Today, I was in a public restroom with my 4 year old daughter. I took her in the stall with me, and as I was using the restroom she looked down and loudly asked, "Mommy! Why do you have a beard on your peepee?!!" Then I heard everybody in the stalls next to us laughing. FML
Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML
Today, my four year-old daughter pulled her pants down in the middle of Best Buy. Apparently, you can smell the farts better when they don't have to pass through clothing. FML
Today, I was patting my kitten who was asleep underneath the blanket on my lap. My roommate walked in and gave me disgusted look. She thought I was playing with myself. FML
Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML
Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML
Today, I discovered a tick on my penis. After a long battle, he finally let go. Four hours later I'm in the hospital. My penis is twice the normal size. I may have won the battle but lost the war. FML
Today, I told my five year-old daughter that no, she could not have ice cream for breakfast. She retaliated by pooping in the living room and smearing it on the walls. My in-laws, whom I've been trying to impress for ages, are visiting today. FML
Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML
Today, my 5 year old fish died. As I was flushing him, he started swimming again. FML
Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML
Today, I started to fall in love with my wife again. We are in the middle of a divorce. FML
Today, while flicking my bean, I was thinking about my boyfriend who moved to California last week. Before I came, I had to stop because I started crying. FML
Today, my little brother proudly informed me that he found a way to suck pool water up his asshole. FML
Today, I told my son he couldn't have a toy. He threw a fit, looked me in the eye, and screamed, "Daddy's right! You are a bitch!" The whole store was watching. FML
Today, my mom, who is relatively new to Facebook, posted on her friend's wall, telling her about her recent diagnosis of vaginal thrush. She assumed that her wall post was private. Six of my friends liked the post. FML
Today, I got my period at school. I didn't notice until a boy asked me if I'd killed someone in my pants. FML
Today, after having a naked wrestle with my boyfriend, I discovered he'd left a skidmark on my stomach. FML
Today, I was driving back home with my family. I had to sit quietly for half an hour, all while pretending I didn't notice my sister playing with herself under the coat on her lap. FML
Today, it was my wedding. Every good wedding has slutty wedding sex, and I thought it would be over after my cousin and his girlfriend were caught in the parking lot. I was wrong, the sluttiest wedding sex goes to my drunk husband and my sister in the coat room. FML
Today, after his sixth beer, my dad looked me in the eye and said "I've never forgiven you for what you did to your mother's vagina". FML
Today, I woke up to large spot of blood in my underwear. This wouldn't be too big a deal if I didn't have a penis. FML
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